Jane Yee recaps the week on The Block NZ, including illuminating dart boards and an X Factor NZ cameo for the ages.
Calling all penises! It was Garage Week on The Block and according to the male Blockheads, Mark Richardson and even bloody Jason Bonham, garages are all about guys, so basically it was a man cave comp and being a delicate flower I had absolutely no business watching this week’s episodes. Just as I was about to curtsy, apologise for my very existence and quietly take my leave, I remembered it was also Laundry Week. Thankfully there was a place for me after all.
Not only was it a celebration of all things MAN this week, but it was also a celebration of the performing arts as the contestants took to the stage for Block Stars; a challenge as painful to watch as Dinner Wars but lacking the redemptive drama of strategic scoring.
The big news this week was the return of the Haier Appliance Secret Alliance that saw the dudes agreeing to have each other’s back and make it difficult for the little ladies to get ahead in the game. Welcome to all of history!
#1 ANDY AND NATE
Even though they don’t seem to understand it is possible for women to enjoy using power tools and working out, it’s back to the top of the list for Andy and Nate this week. They won Room Reveal because their garage was tricked out with boys’ toys and gym equipment and they finally found some tiles that didn’t make Jason Bonham spew in disgust.
The pair also pwned the competition in Block Stars, expertly utilising their Church Camp talent show experience to bust out a be-tutu’d number that had Laura Daniel and Guy Williams worried for their jobs.
To top it all off, if the HamDads don’t already have People’s Choice all sewn up, then their cute lovers’ tiff about whether or not they should bring the mongrel and play their elimination card against Stace and Yanita will surely seal the deal.
#2 LING AND ZING
Ling and Zing were bloody amped about Garage and Laundry Week because QUAD CHILLA.
It also gave them an excuse to bust out a dart board, which they flashed up with some LED backlighting and a snazzy border of spanners, because this is Auckland and big city folk like a bit of razzle dazzle in their dart game.
The resident jokers inexplicably whipped off their longs and stuffed some socks down their undies for Block Stars. They performed a rousing original song that managed to make Julia and Ali crack a smile, but it wasn’t enough to snag them the 5k.
The judges were very impressed with Ling and Zing’s garage, but they failed to pop some booze in the quad chilla for Jason so they missed out on the win and for the first time ever we saw Zing in a state of not-chill.
#3 JULIA AND ALI
Back when the Twins were swilling wine, sleeping off-site and throwing side-eye shade at the “tragic 40 year olds” I had high hopes for the rest of this season of The Block. Finally we had some true villains bringing quality drama to Northcote and creating cliffhangers that didn’t involve tardy tradies or leaky loos.
However, over the last few weeks the prickly pair have slunk back into their cave and delivered nary a skerrick of the nastiness I’ve come to expect from them. They still look like they’re having the very worst time of their entire lives, but they aren’t using their sour power for evil anymore and quite frankly I’m bored.
Also, this happened during their Block Stars performance and I feel like maybe it’s time they eased up on the old twin bond thing?
Julia and Ali’s garage and laundry would’ve been perfectly pleasant if it weren’t for the art wall that looked like they’d sourced the image file from the HamDad’s living room and entered “400%” in the scale box of the print settings.
#4 STACE AND YANITA
It was another shocker for Steak and Cheese. Despite impressively vomiting up a playing card and disguising a cellphone as a balloon, the Besties didn’t win Block Stars. They were disqualified from Room Reveal because a painter showed them how to use a paintbrush properly (PC gone mad!) and Mark was perplexed by their girlie garage because he couldn’t figure out where he was going to put his golf clubs and fishing rod.
To top it all off, when Yani donned a beanie over her gargantuan hair she was left looking like a garden gnome
It wasn’t all bad news: the pair finally found a home for their towels and sheets seventy thousand miles from the closest bathroom or bedroom.
Sadly, the travelling linen cupboard dropping anchor in the garage wasn’t enough to save Stace and Yanita from being anchored at the bottom of these power rankings once again.
Brent the Builder in House Three was absolutely fizzing about Garage and Laundry Week. He was frothing at the mouth when explaining that he was over the fluffy duffy bathrooms and hallways with carpet. All those door handles and lights have been freaking him out and… seriously, WTF are you on about Brent?
Cast your mind back to that season of The X-Factor NZ and you might remember the should’ve won duo that was Mae Valley. The Valley was cleft in twain shortly after the X-Factor lost its x-factor and now Ab-doulou (just a suggestion) has clawed her way back into Mediaworks primetime with this career highilght.
THE NEXT SHAAANXO
You may be surprised to know not every dude on this show is stuck in the 1950s. Proving that makeup isn’t just for the ladies, old mate gib stopper here has been hitting the contour palette to define, enhance and sculpt the shit out of those cheekbones.
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The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.