Rowing endlessly around The Bachelor NZ pond of love, Alex Casey delivers her sixth power rankings in our weekly series. If you missed last week’s power rankings, click here.
This week The Bachelor NZ was about as juicy and satisfying as a face-sized burger eaten without a knife and fork because the Burger People didn’t have any. Everyone has finally graduated from the Pashing 101 night course at the Old Forest School House, and Art is now having to make very some tough calls. Thank JC up above (John Campbell) that he can still find the time to exercise.
Art’s best buddy and all-time top bloke Mike Puru had an exciting week as well, getting away from the hot tub and out and about with the girls. He chilled by the pool:
He chilled at the courts:
He chilled out from his pouch on Art’s back:
Vaguely vintage was the theme this week, with a rickety open-top plane taking our lovebirds sky high, rickety old 1800s tennis rackets getting the best of Chrystal Sharapova, and vintage melted ice-cream causing a scene.
Oh, and Tiki Taane was there, possibly locked in the Old Forest Barn for the entire filming and beyond. Pray for Tiki, can someone please get a care package to Tiki.
We lost Chrystal and Natalie this week – obviously a huge blow to the show’s diversity, tension and movie misquotes – but we also gained a few new friends. The Bachelor universe became stacked to the gills with animal life this week, so my power rankings will also allocate an emblematic critter to each of our girls. Whack on your industrial fishing belt and get out onto the rough ocean of emotion – let’s see who the prize catches are this week.
1. (LW: 3) Dani
Dani has to be first this week because, as MediaWorks mathematician Matilda calculated, “pash = rose.” Dani has done 40 million pashes, which should get her a rose every week until she is – let me just consult Matilda – 769, 230 years old. She was confident and ballsy, as demonstrated by this zero fucks sandwich eating whilst all the other girls picked delicately at scones:
Dani is reeling Art into her reinforced fishing belt of love, using kissing as her lure. She was relaxed and DTF (down to fish) on their two-on-one date, and managed to kiss Art at both cocktail parties. She’s just a kiss-monster, and seems pretty unstoppable at this point. My only fear is that Art and Dani do so much kissing that they forget to talk, and something important might slip through the cracks and they slip major tongue… like their names.
Dani’s Spirit Animal: Dani is a straight Meowser for sure. Not fussed about anything, always kicking back – and never far away from some serious pash action. Look at that hussy of a cat.
2. (LW: 1) Matilda
Aside from pouring her heart and soul into bedazzling her sling, Matilda had a very strong week in the love stakes. Scoring the single date with Art, she got an open air plane ride with Pete the Pilot and then got to sit in a rowboat for a fair few years. The double rainbow has really emerged through Matilda’s dark broken-arm thunderstorm:
After six months in a leaky boat, Matilda and Art enjoyed some tart by candlelight in the middle of the day. Matilda received a sumptuous Michael Hill© bracelet, and the world learned that she has a ‘carpe diem’ wrist tattoo. Exciting news, but I would much rather carpe what happened next – the highlight of the season by far. All the roses to Meowser.
Matilda’s Spirit Animal: Matilda is this interesting colourful duck thing. Friendly, pretty and down to eat a bit of broken bread and/or scone. Plus, when she broke her wrist it was like water off a duck’s back.
3. (LW: 2) Alysha
Alysha conquered her fear of small aircraft to visit the dicey-named White Island with Art this week. They got to walk around the romantic bubbling fart pools, and whisper sweet nothings.
And then, the bombshell. Something something partner something something Japan. Alysha is married, Art deduces. This hardly comes as a surprise anymore, at the point I was more concerned about the impending birth of Alysha’s first child:
They had a passionate kiss in the ocean set to a free Garageband rock anthem, and Alysha clung to him like a spider monkey. She’s done her research, she knows about spider monkeys and timeless love stories:
Things went a little downhill for Alysha on the two on one date with Dani, rather unsurprisingly. Going on a two-on-one with Dani is like trying to win a colouring-in competition against Michelangelo. The girl knows her Art, that’s all I’m saying. Like their lunch, Alysha was a bit of a dead fish when they came ashore, but opened up her heart/mouth when they got some alone time.
Alysha’s animal equivalent: Alysha is this unpredictable seal who popped up on their two-on-one. Seemingly cute, but has the potential to turn very dark very quickly.
4. (LW: 4) Poppy
Poppy had her fair share of chats about kids and futures with Sir Arthur this week, but I fear for her chances. She has the darkest hair of the lot, that’s all I’m saying. A tiny tiny plait isn’t going to change that.
She had her big moment of tension when the other girls found out that she had massaged the truth about massaging Art’s tongue with her own. For some reason, this was a big issue. Everyone was so distracted by this scandal they forgot about the return of her Lord Sauron Ring:
Poppy has been a crucial part of The Bachelor world up until this point, farting and flashing her way through all the awkwardness and the boring admin. But I think she has done her duty, and her time could well be up. But I’ve been consistently wrong every week so, carpe diem.
Poppy’s Bachelor spirit animal: We’ve been through this already.
So that’s the current rankings but – because we have all grown so close* – I thought I would also give our eliminated contestants their own Bachelor Spirit Animals as well.
Natalie’s Bachelor Spirit Animal: These lurking gannets in the background. Stand off-ish, coy, hovering just shy of kiss-parameters at all times.
Chrystal’s Bachelor Spirit Animal: This Praying Mantis. I have no doubt that, if Chrystal and Art had made it to the Fantasy Suite, she would have bitten off his head after they boned. Sorry for the bad pic, that thing was tiny!
Also, this weird thin denim line of a top looks like something a praying mantis would wear if it knew about clothes.
Other Honourable Mentions:
Pete the Pilot
Quite Tense Hand Gesture from the Proprietor of WHITE Island
Next week is going to a total club-banger. Hometowns, parents, and fancy lounges. To tide yourself over till then, enjoy even more Bachelor drivel with the latest episode of our podcast The Fantasy Suite:
The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.