The Spinoff enters the tittle-tattle market with a thrilling new zeitgeist-defining column, Jamboree. This week, All Blacks, boobies, women of influence, Steve Braunias, Camilla P-B, and Kate Hawkesby lets rip.News arrives from Jamboree’s London bureau of disappointment in the British capital when the All Blacks, on cloud nine following their Rugby World Cup victory at Twickenham, took up an invitation to visit the “exclusive” Kiwi-owned nudie bar, Platinum Lace.
The disappointment stemmed primarily from the absence of nudies in the nudie bar. Instead, the triumphant All Blacks and their guests were served drinks by fully clothed bar staff throughout the evening.
Platinum Lace, which prides itself on having been frequented by the likes of Steve Coogan, “various array of Premiership footballers” and even unlikely All Blacks endorser Snoop Dogg, would usually have been teeming with strippers, all of whom are “highly trained in the art of sensual striptease and pole dancing”.
Spotted leaving the club at around 6am by the sort of person who hangs around the back entrance of strip clubs at 6am was one All Black, who told our mole: “No boobies. We may as well have stayed in the team room.”The upstairs room at Time Out Books in Mt Eden was teeming with inetellectual nudity on Wednesday night for the launch of the new book from beloved scribbler and man-about-Te-Atatu Steve Braunias, The Scene of the Crime: Twelve extraordinary tales of crime and punishment in modern New Zealand. Among the literary and media darlings squashed into the loft were CK Stead, Charlotte Grimshaw, Paula Morris, Simon Wilson, David Slack, Shayne Currie, Miriyana Alexander, Emily Simpson and Diana Wichtel.
Fresh from attending the Victoria Park celebrations for a successful local sporting team, Labour MP and urbanite DJ Jacinda Ardern launched the book. She said she’d foregone another glamorous event – cocktails with Camilla and Charles – to attend Braunias’s morbid celebration of criminality. But in a way she was in the presence of Camilla after all. One of the writers at the event confessed to Our Cub Reporter that he or she is the genius behind the popular parody Twitter account The Duchess, @CamillaPOW. It wasn’t CK Stead. Or was it?
Steve “Steve” Braunias features in the most fabulous and disturbing story of the week, which sends a shiver down the spine even from the distance of several years. It involves Helen Clark and fleas, and to learn more you’ll have to scroll through this virtual door-stopper of an interview.To the Women of Influence Awards at Auckland’s Sky City, where the speeches were excellent, the prawns delicious, and MC Carol Hirschfeld’s dress shone a brighter gold than any sporting trophy.
The supreme winner was a surprise, however, as described by RadioLive’s Twitter feed:
While those at home marvelled at Joan Rivers’ achievement at winning such a prize despite being foul-mouthed, an American and, most remarkably of all, no longer alive, those at the venue cheered Joan Withers, a deserved winner of the big prize.Jamboree is a big Kate Hawkesby fan. We love her work, we love her Social Media Content, and we love the way she loves a man who was so ruthlessly exposed by one of Jamboree’s so-called competitors as someone who sometimes vacuums his car.
A tender, misty London roofscape posted on Instagram this week concealed a powerful Kate H name-taking tirade. Responding to a hyperbolic story on another of Jamboree’s so-called competitors about her beau, Mike Hosking, having been struck down by a bout of flu, she wrote: “Dear NZHerald reporter stalking me on Instagram, stealing someone’s photos from social media & publishing them is not journalism. Creating news content out of stolen social media captions is not journalism. If you think something is a news story why don’t you have the decency to at least call them?”
“In the interest of facts (which I accept you’re not), ironically Mike is here in London for NewstalkZB & has been doing his show live from here everyday for 3 weeks. Yet you only mention Seven Sharp. NewstalkZB is a brand of NZME which owns your newspaper. Opportunity missed? Anyhoo, foggy morning in London. Would you like to put this one on the front page? I could caption something about house prices or sharks if it helped.”
Jamboree has not contacted Kate Hawkesby for comment, either, but we fucking love her and hope she’ll forgive us.
Send us hot gossip or mild interesting things you’ve come across to: email@example.com
The Bulletin is The Spinoff’s acclaimed, free daily curated digest of all the most important stories from around New Zealand delivered directly to your inbox each morning.