Alex Casey assembles her contestant power rankings for week three, including near-death experiences, cocktail kisses and a spectacular vomit from the frontrunner.
It was a week that promised “thrills and spills” on The Bachelor NZ, a promise that mostly delivered on one contestant – and shortly after the entire nation – being sick in their mouths. What has happened to this show? Why does it feel like they are not people looking for love, but Roomba vacuums moving through the motions, occasionally bumping into each other? Why does Jordan talk like a man who has been locked in a bunker with nothing but a toilet book from the 1930s full of ye olde idioms and lyrical sayings?
Jordan wants to use “the precious time” he has left to really make a connection, get in touch with all the feels, really kick start his spritely heart up the apples and pears. Sitting pensively on a hill, it really does seem like his life could be coming to an end. Just like all our lives really, slowly slipping through our fingers as we watch Naz and Claudia awkwardly showering one another on national television.
We had to farewell Amanda on Monday, after the ink finally wore off her hand and Jordan forgot who she was. Claudia was also eliminated in a shocker last night, despite her best efforts at grinning unblinkingly at the fireplace into the small hours of the night. We also farewelled Mike’s blazer, abandoned as the Bachelor mansion heats up like the gates of Hell on which it is surely built:
And here are the lucky ones still trapped in the inferno:
After being eerily quiet for the past two weeks (probably locked in the toilet organising her thesis notes), Rebecca made a blazing, chundering return to the top of my hit lis- I mean, power rankings. Going on a rambunctious date to an empty Rainbow’s End, she and Jordan skipped their way through the RYOGBV gates.
Tbh, I’ve been to Rainbow’s End when it’s been closed to the public (humblebrag) and it was terrifying. Ghostly dry chicken nuggets everywhere and Michael Murphy playing on that scary magician stage to nobody. A chilling experience indeed. Where was I? Oh yeah, she VOMITED IN HER MOUTH, which was somehow actually far more palatable than Jordan’s reaction:
Jordan took Bub over to the food stall to load her up with fries, chucked her on a carousel and tried to get her spewing again because this isn’t The Bachelor at all but a Fear Factor reboot that nobody asked for. It didn’t work, and she pashed him with her delicious sick mouth. Believe you me, anyone who will do a kiss on someone after being sick is in it for the LONG game.
Talking of kissing and vomiting, how sick was the foley on this cocktail kiss between Storm and Jordan? Sounded like NooNoo battling with a frozen Coke on a hot summer’s day. Jordan is absolutely locked into the eye of the Storm and I can’t see her going anywhere for a long, long time.
Honestly, from here on in I’ve just shut my eyes and pointed at a list. Gabs came out of the woodwork this week to reveal that she has been quietly being herself for the past 3 years, which makes me think she is either a secret agent or has grown up in witness protection. I’d get out of there while you can Jordan, although he might enjoy the method acting.
I also immensely enjoyed Gabs’ reaction to Jordan showering Claudia and Naz on the boat. Je suis Gabs.
I was just “esstactic” to see Kate get a date this week, especially considering it was a horse trek experience which is definitely not linked to a traumatic event from her childhood. But evidently fear is not a factor for her, because she got in the saddle and trekked all the way to bad joke land. Classic jizz in the hair gag:
Classic 900 rosé jokes gag:
Sweet Ceri continued to creep on out of her shell this week, baking an assortment of fudge, lolly slice and cookies for Jordan Mauger. Perhaps she’d be better suited to Ben Higgins of US Bachelor fame, but it did the trick anyway and she scored time with Jordan and his yuck shoes.
Ceri also upset Naz this week because she told Gabs something that Claudia had said about her and it made her cry and she’s telling the teacher on you, or something. Anyway, Naz cast a spell on Ceri:
And gave her such a big fright that her hair now stands straight up like the alien woman in Mars Attacks.
Speedster Lara won the ‘can the woman drive’ challenge, and received the gift of sitting in a car with Jordan whilst he cackled and sped around the track like a child who has had too much Fanta.
Big John Mayer fan, who knew?
We all had a bit of a scare at the thought of Shari going home last night, perhaps because she might seem like the most relatable woman in the house. We all love a free necklace, an art gallery, and pissing off film nerds by telling them we don’t know who Bill Murray is. Live strong Shari.
Erin played the sick card this week and secured herself an easy rose by looking surprised in bed with a full face of makeup on. I pray every night for those white pillowcases.
I also unearthed another sinister finding on my second watch (forget the pillows, pray for me) – the painting on the wall is missing. Where have you hidden the loot ERIN?
Perhaps, being The Bachelor, she just wanted a slice of Art for herself. Not too much to ask really.
The woman of a thousand hairstyles, Sarah impressed this week by ditching the rules of the ‘can a woman drive’ challenge to just drive in a straight line. No cones, no hoops, no nonsense for Sarah. Dad (Jordan) wasn’t impressed though, so I give her scornful place in the rankings this week.
If Naz was doing Drake’s part in ‘Work’, she would definitely say, “if I had a twin, I would still choose me,” then add that twin’s name to her hit list. Naz had her own Fear Factor challenge this week: swimming. Sharing her traumatic tale, she remembered being three(?!), hanging out with her girlfriends on the beach(?!) and having her head held under the water for too long.
Despite her fears and diving into the water, Naz only managed to get one on one time with a bottle of bubbles and an ocean full of sadness.
Nicole spun a great yarn this week about how she came back from the toilet one night and everyone was hiding in their beds… Scorned by Dad (Jordan) for her poor oratory skills, he took her aside for some extra time. Oh, and she ate a lovely Kapiti ice-cream first thing in the morning – which is about the best reason to go on The Bachelor I have seen thus far.
Please stay forever. Please. We need you.
The letter idea backfired after Jordan read out his answers in front of everyone – spilling all the magical secret beans that Alicia was hoping to collect and plant in her animal oasis. I’m just not sure how much longer this weird penpal scenario can fly.
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See you next week, Bubs.
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