Photo: Getty Images
Photo: Getty Images

ParentsJanuary 19, 2018

The PM’s baby: all the worst takes so far

Contributing writer
Photo: Getty Images
Photo: Getty Images

Two words from Emily Writes in response to today’s many terrible reckons: shut it.

I live in the most wonderful liberal bubble. It is here in my echo chamber that I hide from terrible comments from people with shit for brains. I don’t venture into comments sections anymore; I just don’t want to be knee-deep in pus. I don’t watch Hosking or any other outrage goblins – instead I hide among friends on Twitter. It’s wondrous and I think you should try it.

Because for just five minutes I ventured out and what I came across could win awards in the fucking are you fucking serious these people are actual fucking morons awards.

Here are the worst takes, and my responses. Because we should note down in the anals (yes anals) of history these terrible comments so that one day scientists might research how human-shaped sacks of dick cheese scrapings managed to somehow comment on a Stuff Facebook page.

What about hormones though now we are going to have a hormonal prime minister grunt grunt grunt

You want hormonal? I’ll show you hormonal. Jacinda Adern managed to campaign successfully and form a government and run a damn country while she was hormonal and probably spewing her guts out. You had no idea she was pregnant. Hormones shmormones. Hormones make us stronger. Hormones make us even more powerful. So you better watch out Gary you little bitch. We are coming for you.

She has to step down because she can’t be pregnant AND be a prime minister it’s impossible *scratches nuts*

What have you ever done in your life Gary? While you were cry-wanking over the election and pounding your bruised knuckles against the keyboard ranting about how offended you are by women working, Jacinda was getting shit done. She was running the country. While pregnant. She done been doing that Gary. So shut the fuck up.

I’ve had a baby and once you have one you’d know it’s not possible to work and be a parent

Sit your ass down Karen. Nobody asked for your fucking opinion. So you couldn’t – or didn’t want to – parent and work outside the home. Fine. You do you Karen. Nobody is going to come to your house, knock on your door, and tell you that you should have tried harder. So consider that Karen, and consider that maybe you don’t know Jacinda, you don’t know her life, or who she is – and consider Karen that maybe your opinion isn’t needed. Write your opinion down Karen, and shove it.

Why would you even have kids if you’re going to go back to work after blah blah blah I’m a massive turd

Joan, look, with all due respect, go fuck yourself. Mothers who work are still mothers. We work outside of the home for lots of different reasons, because we have to, because we want to, because it’s the right choice, because we don’t have a choice. Having a job doesn’t mean you’re not a mother. It means you have a job. End of. What matters with babies is that they know they’re loved and that they’re kept safe and looked after. This baby will have all of that. So save your sanctimonious bullshit. This is why your kids won’t spend Christmas with you.

Why did she get pregnant when she knew she was going to be prime minister

You haven’t ever had sex have you Andrew. Do you know how babby form?

What about baby brain?

Mate you can’t even spell government.

My mum never worked and blah blah blah

Your mum wished she worked. I just got off the phone to Mary and she thinks you’re an absolute failure of a human, Tony.

The First Baby Twitter account is so funny!

You are wrong.

It’s not right for a man to be a stay at home dad

I’m sorry Gareth. I’m sorry you didn’t get to be the dad you wanted to be for whatever reason. But don’t project that. It’s a wonderful thing (and studies have shown that it’s great for children if they have fathers) to have stay-at-home dads and hands-on, involved dads. So shut your pie hole.

She has to resign if she can’t be prime minister!

She can be prime minister, has been being prime minister, will be prime minister. So deal. It’s going to be a long-ass five months if you’re going to bitch every day about this. Might I suggest you learn to ride a bike instead. Or maybe take up cake decorating?

Winnie knew! Wake up sheeple! Now we have Winnie as prime minister and something something sweeping changes now everyone owns a race horse and you can only buy sherry

Please. I know nothing about politics but I do know that Winnie is not going to do shit in those six weeks. Dude is so laid back when cameras aren’t around he’s almost in a coma. Jacinda is so goddamn efficient she is probably going to have those six weeks planned out to a tee.

You need to be at home with a baby how will she breast feed six weeks is too young what if she has the baby early what if she has a birth injury what if the baby has colic what if what if

Shhhhhhhhhh. Hush Karen. Jacinda is a grown ass adult with a support network and resources. She will get through if she gets support. And part of that support is you being quiet OK? It’s hard not to project, I get that, but it’s not useful or helpful. It’s not your baby. It’s not your boobs or your boyfriend. It’s not you staying up at night or changing nappies. Chill.

*

When it comes down to it, I’m sure Jacinda always knew she was going to get shit. Helen Clark got shit for not having kids. Jacinda got shit for not ruling out having kids in order for people to attack her for not having kids. Some people are addicted to being outraged and being mad about shit that actually doesn’t impact them at all. And ultimately, even if you think it does impact you, it hasn’t yet – and if it does, well you can address it then.

Unfortunately news platforms with unmoderated comments sections are like strep throat or a recurring STD – they’re always around.

Until then, these are two people in love who get to bring a baby into the world. That’s a lovely thing. So shut the fuck up and instead of putting your reckons into the world, dig a hole and put them in there instead.

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    Emily Writes is editor of The Spinoff Parents. Her book Rants in the Dark is out now. Buy it here. Follow her on Facebook here.

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    James Kehoe Rowden as a Sumatran tiger, his favourite animal, and one of the endangered species threatened by the palm oil industry.
    James Kehoe Rowden as a Sumatran tiger, his favourite animal, and one of the endangered species threatened by the palm oil industry.

    ParentsJanuary 19, 2018

    You’re never too young to protect the planet

    Contributing writer
    James Kehoe Rowden as a Sumatran tiger, his favourite animal, and one of the endangered species threatened by the palm oil industry.
    James Kehoe Rowden as a Sumatran tiger, his favourite animal, and one of the endangered species threatened by the palm oil industry.

    In the first story in a series celebrating the amazing things young New Zealanders do every day, James Kehoe Rowden talks to Angela Cuming about his commitment to protecting the environment, and how little can make a big difference. 

    There are some people who see rubbish littering our streets and beaches and think to themselves ‘gee that’s bad’ but keep on walking. And then there is six-year-old James Kehoe Rowden.

    The pint-sized environmentalist powerhouse is a regular fixture in the streets of his home city of Wellington, picking up rubbish that – in all likelihood – others much older than him have left behind.

    Joined by mum Thalia Kehoe Rowden​, James will don kid-sized gardening gloves and fill bags full of anything and everything he finds on his street, his neighbourhood and, most importantly, the beach.

    ”When I first got started thinking about rubbish in the sea, I was on a walk with my dad and I was climbing around the rocks, when I found some rubbish,” James says.

    ”Then I got inspired to pick up rubbish since I knew that it was a good idea. We pick up rubbish because the rubbish can get into the storm water drains, even on your street, if you don’t pick it up. It’s also a good idea to pick it up on the beach if there’s some there.”

    James first learned about protecting the environment collecting rubbish at the beach.

    A deep love of animals is the main driver behind James’ intolerance to trash.”Rubbish is bad for animals because they can get into some animals’ homes or the rubbish could get stuck on them or they could swallow them,” James says.

    ”One of the penguins at the zoo, he had a sore flipper because some fishing line got stuck on him, that is not good.”

    James has recently joined The Plastic ​Club, which aims to reduce plastic bags ending up in the ocean. The club was started by seven-year-old Harmony Perrie from her Masterton home, and it encourages its members to partake in ”plastic walks”, where they walk around their local streets and pick up plastic and other bits of litter.

    On a typical day James will collect everything from cigarette butts to glass bottles, toilet rolls and plastic straws. He will sort through his haul and separate the recyclables, then the rest is safely and properly disposed of, meaning nothing ends up in local waterways or, critically, the ocean.

    The love and enthusiasm James has for protecting the environment and in particular animals has been fostered by his involvement at Zealandia and Wellington Zoo – he’s an ‘Ambassador’ at the zoo and one of Zealandia’s ‘Junior Rangers’ – and he regularly visits both.

    On a recent visit to Auckland Zoo James learned about the problem posed by palm oil plantations and is now committed to doing something about it. Endangered species threatened by palm oil include Sumatra’s tigers, rhinos and elephants, as well as orangutans.

    James with Wellington Zoo educator Charles Wilson.

    ”James’ favourite animals are tigers,” says Thalia.

    He is very concerned that three subspecies of tiger have already gone extinct – the Javan, Caspian and Bali tigers – and the remaining six subspecies are all endangered.

    ”The Sumatran tiger is critically endangered, with only a few hundred left in the world. Their habitat is being cut down to make room for palm oil plantations, and that’s what James wants to help stop. James visits the Sumatran tigers at Wellington Zoo, Senya and Bashi, every week when he helps out at the Zoo’s Wild Start programme.”

    In a recent blog post mum Thalia described the moment her ”heart swelled” when James returned from a zoo visit after learning that palm oil plantations take over the habitats of endangered animals like orangutans.

    ”He wanted to do something about it,” she wrote, ”and we talked about activism and maximising our impact – that it would make a small difference if we avoided palm oil ourselves, but a larger impact if we worked to encourage other people to do that, and joined with other people to make systemic changes”.

    Determined to make a difference, James looked up Auckland Zoo’s palm oil shopping guide and worked with his mum to remove products containing palm oil from the kitchen pantry, right down to the lolly snakes he had loved so much.

    A small man with big plans.

    What next for James? He’s in the process of setting up a club for children who, like him, are concerned about the impact of palm oil on animals and, as mum Thalia wrote, will continue to use his voice for good.

    ”Once he asked me to call his friend, who is six years old, so he could make sure he knew all about this, ‘because he loves animals, too, so he won’t want to buy any palm oil’.

    “They had an earnest conversation about the issue. It’s the first time he’s used the phone for this kind of communication with a friend, so I’m not sure how effective it was, but I did love that he was so moved to share the news. He has a list of friends he wants to talk to, and he’s sure they’ll all be on board. He’s probably right – they’re kids, and much more reliable about this stuff’.”

    This content is entirely funded by Flick, New Zealand’s fairest power deal. In the past year, their customers saved $320 on average, which pays for a cheeky bottle of wine in the trolley almost every shop. Please support us by switching to them right now!