Politicians fight in the house all the time. But what if they had to do it for real? Madeleine Chapman schedules a political fight night.

There is nothing funnier than office people, who have no business fighting, wanting to fight. National MP and former defence minister Mark Mitchell challenged police minister and Labour buff man Stuart Nash to a fight (for life). Nash declined the offer but insisted it was not out of fear.

We won’t be seeing a Mitchell-Nash card in April when the charity boxing event takes place, but they’re not the only politicians that could get in the ring.

Mark Mitchell vs Stuart Nash

Mark Mitchell is the obvious favourite due to having actual training in something resembling combat. Stuart Nash is a gym bro and proud, having famously gotten his second Covid-19 vaccine with his shirt off, but you have to be able to land a punch to win a fight. The trash talk, walk-ins and the glove touch would be great though.

James Shaw vs Maureen Pugh

There’s no love lost between the climate change minister and the MP who is, let’s say, sceptical of all the fuss. Shaw would have a reach advantage but Pugh has been struck by lightning three times and lived to tell the tale. Plus, a prolonged insistence on not educating oneself suggests a bullheadedness that would come in handy during a fight.

Judith Collins vs Barbara Edmonds

Judith Collins is as scrappy as they come and has a Sāmoan husband. Barbara Edmonds is actually Sāmoan and has eight children. I would pay upwards of $50 to watch this fight.

David Seymour vs Simeon Brown

This would just be fun. Neither would have much in the way of reach, but both have the persistence and sheer will to stay on their feet. I think this fight is plausible given both would view it as good publicity, even if they lost.

Chloe Swarbrick vs Karen Chhour

A surprise match up but a good one. Swarbrick claims to have martial arts experience (I say “claims” because I have yet to see evidence of it) but Chhour from Act is street smart in a way that makes me believe she doesn’t back down easy. This would be scrappy.

Carmel Sepuloni vs Chris Bishop

An even match-up for height and reach but we all know this would be a bloodbath.

Rawiri Waititi vs Chris Luxon

Luxon has the reach but that’s about it.

Chris Hipkins vs Shane Reti

This fight would be the first of the night because it’s the boringest match-up. An even match but one that would involve a lot of dancing around each other and not a lot of contact.

Helen White vs Nicola Willis

I have such low expectations for this fight but looks can be deceiving so it’s worth including in case someone’s inner scrapper jumps out.

Michael Wood vs Michael Woodhouse

Just crack up that two people in parliament have Michael Wood in their names. Gotta give this one to Woodhouse though, for living up to his name (he is what happens when you combine Michael Woods with a house). The winner of this match-up will go on to fight Megan Woods.

Sam Uffindell vs No one

Expelled from the venue lest he get any ideas.