David Shearer in 2012. Photo: Toby Manhire
David Shearer in 2012. Photo: Toby Manhire

PoliticsDecember 8, 2016

David Shearer is off to the UN, and so the last former Labour leader leaves the building

David Shearer in 2012. Photo: Toby Manhire
David Shearer in 2012. Photo: Toby Manhire

Should David Shearer’s South Sudan appointment be confirmed, a byelection is likely in Mt Albert, signalling the departure of the last ex-Labour leader and leaving the question hanging: did the party err in knifing him?

“Former leaders” are a mixed blessing for a political party – they can be weathered, wise old owls, or they can be ghosts of parties past; or they can be just a bit bloody bored. Just a few months ago, the New Zealand Labour Party was full of the species: if you happened to be a member of their caucus you had a one in eight chance of being either a former or current leader of the party.

Then Phil Goff began the longest striptease in political history, culminating in victory in the Auckland mayoral election. David Cunliffe announced he would return to the private sector after the 2017 election. And this morning (just another quiet news day in a quiet news year) it emerged that David Shearer is, almost certainly, on his bike, too: leaving – to regurgitate this morning’s most overused joke – the Labour Party for the relative sanctuary of war-torn South Sudan. This is no cushy gig or clever National ploy to jettison a foe, however; rumours have abounded all year that Shearer was looking for a Labour exit plan involving the UN, but challenges don’t come much steeper that South Sudan, and Shearer’s pre-parliamentary CV shows he’s qualified.

While his appointment as head of the United Nations mission is yet to be confirmed, Shearer will leave a hole in the Labour Party in the foreign affairs shadow portfolio – he bore a genuine authority in the role, and on issues such as the refugee crisis and Australia’s offshore detention system, he delivered thoughtfulness, passion and gravitas. On his day, he was among Labour’s best performers in the house.

David Shearer in 2012. Photo: Toby Manhire
David Shearer in 2012. Photo: Toby Manhire

He had visibly become disgruntled, however, if not at times embittered. On issues such as the TPP, for example, the centrist and trade advocate was palpably becoming aghast with the direction of his own party – and he wasn’t granted the get-out-of-whipping-free card that fellow TPP-cheerleader Goff enjoyed.

For Shearer, the big what-if will always relate to his resignation from the leadership in the middle of 2013. Following wave after wave of destabilisation, much of it emanating from caucus colleagues riven by infighting, his departure became inevitable, punctuated with the whiffy closing quotation marks of two snapper held aloft in the house of representatives.

David Shearer and some fish.
David Shearer and some fish.

Shearer’s advocates point out that neither of those who came next, David Cunliffe or Andrew Little, showed in the polls that they could do any better. Shearer was never given the opportunity to lead his party into an election. Could he really have done worse than the Cunliffe-helmed effort in 2014?

Certainly, he had a scratchy start, and stumbled routinely in media appearances, but he had only been in parliament since 2009, when he succeeded Helen Clark. It sometimes seemed as if he was cursed by being cast as Labour’s answer to John Key, and the energies of his backers in trying to sculpt him into the form of a modern, relaxed leader suffocated him, made it harder to develop his own style. It can be a struggle to be yourself when surrounded by a group of people shouting BE YOURSELF, LIKE THIS at the top of their lungs.

When he left the role he was still relatively new to politics, however, still relatively new to leadership. And his performance at the 2012 Party Conference, in a strong speech that included the launch of the KiwiBuild policy, showed he had the cojones.

But it could be that, for the Labour Party, the most important leader since Helen Clark is in fact John Key: as the Labour Party scrambled hopelessly to work out how to take him on – go for the antithesis or try to ape him; attack him as wolf or as a flake? – the leaders were knobbled from the start.

In that regard, Andrew Little may be the luckiest of the lot – not only has the universe cleared out the haunted corridors of leaders past, it’s now relocating easily the finest New Zealand politician of the generation, John Key, to Hawaii. If Little fucks it up next year, he has no one else to blame.

Meanwhile – unless the next prime minister calls an early 2017 election, a byelection is very likely in Mt Albert (another of those seats, like Mt Roskill, in which National in 2014 won the party vote). Every MP for Mt Albert since 1981 has also become the leader of the Labour Party. And Jacinda Ardern moved to a house in the electorate earlier this year.

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PoliticsDecember 7, 2016

John Key as a nude muse: an artist farewells her favourite subject

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John Key was a lot of things to different people. For some, a hero. For others, a villain. And for illustrator Lucy Zee, a nude model.

Unless you’ve got John Key muted on your feed from that time every white man online was savagely trying to out do one another with who could make the best ponytail hot take tweet, you might already know that the Prime Minister of New Zealand has given us the ultimate shock twist of 2016: Announcing to the country that he will be resigning.

As an avid Labour and Green supporter, half of me is excitedly, delightfully suspicious of the announcement and the other half – the perverted, high functioning insomniac, fraudulation illustrator half of me – is feeling very, very lost.

I’ve dedicated at least five or six hours of my life drawing John Key in states of nudity. Think Marge in that episode of the Simpsons when she was struggling creatively about how to paint Mr Burns – that’s me, the only time I will ever have anything in common with Marge Simpson: we love to draw naked old men.

Here are a few of my favourite pieces that I’ve drawn of the PM of NZ.

Break The Country of NZ

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This was the first nude John Key picture I drew. An image mirroring Kim Kardashian’s iconic ‘Break The Internet’ photoshoot for Paper magazine. I saw John Key as a very narcissistic, money loving, attention seeking figure at the time (I still do lol) and seemed like he had a lot in common with Kim K. And also, like a moth to a flame, I am just really taken by a glossy butt.

Lonely Johngerie

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This was one of the more tamer, and dare I say, romantic drawings I did of John Key. Inspired by a beautiful Lonely Lingerie photoshoot, I imagined that if JK was the same age as as me he would be really into locally made, fashion-forward statement pieces and have total body confidence to pull it off. He’d also be rich enough to afford a matching 2-piece set from this brand, not even on sale.

Selfkey

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This is my favourite drawing I’ve ever done. I know that most real illustrators who have actual skills and talent and experience would be far more humble about their own work but I am the opposite of all those things so I will declare this to be my favourite drawing I have ever done.

The piece has its origins in famous DJ Max Key’s Instagram post of John Key taking a selfie with his son. I was so taken by this image, how casual and typically KIWI it was that such a photo existed of our prime minister, that I painstakingly drew every curve of fat, every pale strand of body hair, every wrinkle, every penis vein. And it paid off because Max screengrabbed my tweet of the drawing and posted it to his Facebook. Worth the RSI, worth the neck cramp, worth every Meninist commenting that I was a sexist pervert for drawing this.

Keynye’s Famous

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This is the latest (and maybe the last ever) I drew of John Key. I hate this picture the most. I hated hated hated drawing this, but I couldn’t stop myself from doing it. I physically felt sick, I had to cover half the drawing as I drew John Key in. I took like six breaks in the hour it took to do it but I kept going, I just couldn’t help myself. This was the first time I questioned why I kept drawing John Key. These pictures are time consuming to do, they’re mentally taxing. I’ve even cancelled appointments so I could finish drawing them. The worst part is that I didn’t even do these pictures for money. No one ever asked me to draw John Key nude. I didn’t even do them for the Twitter faves. I genuinely just kept drawing these pictures so I could sit back, look at my work and then laugh at myself.

And almost three years after the first picture, I am still laughing.

I don’t know how to say goodbye to doing these pictures, but I feel like after John Key’s resignation I am probably not going to draw another one. Culturally, to me, he won’t matter anymore. I don’t get the same joy drawing any other politician than I have drawing John. It kind of feels like a break up with someone that I didn’t even really like in the first place. I think I will just miss the familiarity and the sense of community there was because we all hated him so much.

Like the worst ending to a series (the Dan Humphries reveal in the final episode of Gossip Girl) this is my badly-curated, reputation-ruining, phoney so-called love letter to John Key. I just hope that one day, when I’m looking back at one of my old nude John Key drawings on the internet, that same day, somewhere else, John Key is looking at one too.