Ten irrefutable reasons for the incoming president to exempt plucky little New Zealand from import tax hikes.

The former and future president, Donald J Trump, has been re-elected on a platform pledging new and universal import tariffs of 10%-20%. The challenge for New Zealand politicians and officials is to somehow persuade him to make a special exception for a bunch of friendly little hobbits, with our friendly little meats and friendly little wines and whatnot. It is hard to know how to win over a stable genius who is of course impervious to ego-stroking suck-ups, lickspittle grovelling and base, sycophantic genuflection. But, still, here are 10 reasons to begin.

That was a very good joke 

The New Zealand prime minister (pictured) was entranced when you were kind enough to give him a few minutes on the phone this week. Here he is grinning on behalf of us all, absolutely loving the joke you just told unless it wasn’t meant to be a joke, let’s simply say he was marvelling and he was marvelling for New Zealand. If only there was a readout, or should we say a weaveout, yes please, you know it, sir. 

The other one isn’t around any more

After we discovered that a previous prime minister was married to Justin Trudeau and had been cast by the fake news as a Scandinavian detective called the Anti-Trump, she was promptly deported to a distant land called Massachusetts.

Elon is into our guy

Your hombre, doge of the Doge, the Xotus, your all new rocket man, His Most Merciful Muskness, is a big fan of our new prime minister, Christopher Luxon. Elon was scrolling the popular social media platform X a couple of months ago and noticed a video posted by Luxon from Malaysia and, lo, he could not but admire his good energy and the way he talks directly to the public. This, he observed on the popular social media service X, is the way. And it is the way. 

To anyone who might say “it’s just a tweet”, we’d say, it’s better than Barack Obama has managed in more than 6,400 days.

Elon is also a close personal friend of our health minister, Shane Reti. 

Citizen Peter

He has supported you, and he has supported your boy JD, and he is one of us. The tech lord superbrain (though not as brainy as you, sir!) billionaire (not as billionaire as you!) is a champion sheep shearer and repeat winner of the Billy T James comedy prize with a crib on the shores of Lake Wakatipu. Uncle Pete gained citizenship 13 years ago in an emotional ceremony in that quintessential Aotearoa location, Santa Monica.

Citizen Chris

Another of our compatriots, Chris Liddell, copped a fair bit of flak for serving as your deputy chief of staff last time round. According to various reports, including an epic Vanity Fair account, however, he was integral to “making the transfer of power possible, becoming an unlikely leader of a plot to save democracy”, and, look, I know there are a range of views about that patch in history, but you might, you know, be in prison if it wasn’t for him?

The New Zealander of the Year is your chief of staff

As the Covid pandemic swept around the world, Susie Wiles became an indispensable fount of wisdom and assurance. Her tireless commitment to science communication saw her named New Zealander of the Year in 2021. After condemning you for suggesting injecting bleach might be a good way to deal with Covid, however, Wiles had an epiphany, realising that even if the bleach wasn’t a good plan, you transcend science and facts like a divine blizzard. Accordingly, Wiles decided to join Ronald Reagan’s campaign in 1980 and eventually joined team Trump in 2016, before going on to lead your campaign and, in recent days, get named as your White House chief of staff. 

It’s been quite a journey for Wiles, but when you think about it the signs have long been there. Her collaborator Toby Morris in 2016 painted this optimistic and prophetic vision of the Trump era:

Trumpland of the south

So imbued is New Zealand with everything Trumpy that your victory in recent days has reportedly inspired many to feel economically confident enough to travel, to invest in New Zealand property, to follow Citizen Peter’s lead and pick up a place here. Just call us Far-a-Lago.

Bob Charles

We know you’re a fan of our greatest golfer, because you talked about him with the PM before we deported her and, in an extended interview with Patrick Gower, you said, “I love Bob Charles, do you know who Bob Charles is?” He did, we do, and we think he will play golf with you all day long if you let us off the tariffs. 

Football

Bill Foley, owner of the newly launched Auckland FC, once called you a “narcissistic egomaniac” but he came around as we all do and donated to your campaign. That inspired the new A-League side and its bumper crowds to a bonanza start to the season, with three wins from three, which is even better than your record of running for the presidency, not that there’s anything wrong with your record of running for the presidency. 

Your son lives here

Eric Trump, a Dunedin-based journalist, says he isn’t your son, but is he really not, and in any case you know how sometimes your actual sons, Eric or Don Jr, mess up and let you down, like, you go, I need a cheeseburger, and they’re like, OK, Dad, give me a minute? You can say listen to me, so-called son, my actual son, Eric Trump of Dunedin, would have got me that cheeseburger by now, and you know he would have.