None of what follows is true. Or at least most of it isn’t.
As the shockwaves of war on Iran reverberate around the globe, Nicola Willis is leading New Zealand’s crisis response. Last week she explained how something called the Fuel Supply Emergency Level System works. Yesterday she updated the media on the response at a 1pm briefing. We’re not alone in feeling a tide of deja vu wash over us.
So why stop there? After all, as Willis has perhaps resolved, everyone loves a bold and decisive leader with visual aids in the face of a crisis, until they don’t.
In the spirit of thrilling nostalgia and barely suppressed trauma, here’s how the briefing might look with a heavy lick of horizontal yellow paint.
1.04pm
There are 32 days of fuel in the country and 25 days on tanker somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. With 16 new drained fuel stations in the community, New Zealand remains in fuel alert level 3, says Willis.
There is one new cluster of stranded vehicles after a super-spreader event on Transmission Gully.
1.10pm
Appearing alongside the minister is Director-General Crude from the Ministry for Energy. He says there is no further clarity on when the Strait of Hormuz might exit lockdown. Existing stocks must be managed with “an abundance of caution”, says Mr Crude, who has become an unlikely heart-throb for his analysis of the stochastic volatility of liquefied natural gas pricing in times of geopolitical instability.
“Thank you, Brent,” says Willis.
1.16pm
The minister is announcing a “telethon-style” event to encourage a “generation of generation”. The Gasathon will be hosted by Patrick Gower, who will spend 1,000 unbroken hours on an exercycle to fill up the Eastbourne ferry’s battery.
1.22pm
New Zealanders are being advised to remain calm and resist the temptation to panic buy fuel, lavatory paper or petrol station sunglasses.
1.46pm
After reading a lengthy letter from a primary school student, Willis winds up the formal part of the briefing from the so-called Petroleum of Truth. “We go hard and we go early,” she says. Flattening the fuel curve depends on New Zealand drivers coming together as a “fleet of 4.7 million”.
She opens the floor to questions, saying, “Jessica, then Tova.”
1.52pm
The minister says she is “disappointed but not surprised” by opposition claims that the alert level system is creating “forecourt New Zealand”. She confirms that fuel rations will be prioritised for workers of national significance and sourdough.
1.58pm
Willis refuses to take questions about the whereabouts of Christopher Luxon, who is a Tesla owner, the New Zealand prime minister and a Samoan chief.
There is no truth, she insists, to rumours that a vat of 95 has been smuggled out of the Auckland quarantine in a bucket of KFC secreted in a piss-filled Zorb.
2.07pm
Willis refuses to comment on recent commentary from the US president, Donald Trump. She does note, however, that she would not personally be offering advice that anyone having trouble locating diesel for their vehicles could simply fill their tanks with bleach.
She rejects suggestions that the electric car rebate might have been a good thing after all and declines to respond to an open letter from Ian Taylor.
2.20pm
After batting away questions around the so-called alert level 3.5 and the rules around peeing in petrol station loos, Willis hints that a new “traffic light” system may be introduced. When the light is green, motorists will be asked to proceed slowly and carefully to ensure the greatest fuel efficiency. Amber: pause until midnight. Red: get out and walk.
2.28pm
Outside the Beehive, a crowd is gathering on the parliamentary lawn. They’re carrying signs including “Fuel injection kills”, “Covid 91” and “Z-Anon”. Unconfirmed reports suggest Gerry Brownlee is charging up his iPod.
2.35pm
Willis explains that the government’s rollout of the fuel supply emergency strategy would be perfect had it not been for the way the pandemic had been handled, and announces plans for the 11th official inquiry into the Covid-19 response.
