The prime minister claims he has a ‘best friend’ who’s in business with the soon-to-be Mr Taylor Swift, a ‘best friend’ who showed the American footballer his social media plea. Lyric Waiwiri-Smith tries to get to the bottom of it.
New Zealanders were rocked to their core last Wednesday after prime minister Christopher Luxon made the bold political move of trying to ride on the coattails of the star power of the world’s biggest pop star and her Super Bowl-winning fiancé. In a social media video posted just hours after Taylor Swift, who has famously refused to even be paid to be in Aotearoa, and Travis Kelce, tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs, had announced their engagement, Luxon tried to farm some engagement by inviting the couple to tie the knot here.
Needless to say, it ranks among Luxon’s cringiest moments as prime minister, alongside saying “I’m wealthy and I’m sorted” and the failed hongi with his Australian counterpart Anthony Albanese. But then, an Earth-shattering development: “One of my best friends in America is actually in business with Travis, and he actually got a reply back from Travis, he loved the offer and asked jokingly whether he could get a passport,” Luxon said at the Business Canterbury Prime Minister’s Lunch on Friday, as reported by the Herald.
A game-changing outcome indeed. Except, it’s entirely unclear who this business friend is, and whether this truly happened. Obviously, there were no serious reporters at that lunch in Canterbury, or someone would have demanded the PM get said friend on the blower to confirm the claim immediately. Who are they? Could they be Ray Chung’s neighbour? Does Luxon also personally know the true identity of the Zodiac Killer? The Spinoff needed answers.
First, let’s assess the evidence directly in front of us: the claim. What we know about the anonymous messenger is that they use “he” pronouns, is a “best friend” of Luxon, is in “America” and “in business with Travis”. To try to track this man down, I began by looking through Luxon’s Instagram follower list in the hopes of finding a rich American name, like John Walmart.
But this investigation was never meant to be easy. How do you know which American man in business is the right American man in business? From my experience as a young person, I know that following someone online typically means friendship, so I consulted the list of the 386 Instagram accounts Luxon follows. Several American men feature, including president Donald Trump, former president Joe Biden, country singer Tim McGraw, rapper LunchMoney Lewis, Illinois governor and businessman JB Pritzker and various congressmen.
Trump won’t listen to our tariff pleas, let alone our Taylor-and-Travis pleas, so scratch that one. McGraw does business and knows Swift, but if he were a friend of Luxon’s, I dare say we would’ve heard about it by now. And while Pritzker may seem like the obvious choice, he has also had to resort to using social media to get Swift’s attention in the past. Mr LunchMoney appears out of the question and it’s unclear whether Biden remembers who Swift or Kelce is.
At this point I realised that a lot of super wealthy people move in silence. They don’t need social media to validate their lives in the same way us plebeians do because money is enough safety. So, rather than following the following button, it was time to look at who Kelce was doing business with – and in the last year, these include: Garage Beer (no connection to our local Garage Project), General Mills, Accelerator energy drinks, Lowe’s, Jim Beam, Zen Water, American Eagle and … Pepsi?
Sweat began to drip down my forehead as I remembered that Luxon is famously a Pepsi drinker. Could this be it, the link between our prime minister and America’s soon-to-be first man? Sadly it appeared to be a red herring – no one on the PepsiCo leadership board appeared to have any connection with Luxon (that was immediately publicly evident, anyway). Sure, there’s a brand partnership between PepsiCo and Unilever – and as we all know, Luxon once headed up the deodorant division at Unilever in North America – but that seems too loose a connection to draw any conclusions from.
Hang on, was this my in? Should I have just checked the list of approximately 5 million brands owned by Unilever, because surely friendships made at an ethically dubious global conglomerate are ones made for life? But the closest Kelce connection Unilever has is with Kylie Kelce, wife to Jason Kelce, sister-in-law to Travis and partner to beauty brand Dove (owned by Unilever). Close, but no dice: you may have one Kelce, but it’s just not the same as being able to claim you’re working with the future Mr Swift.
So, where to look now? The “best friend” angle, because surely Luxon doesn’t have that many best friends. And he doesn’t: the only person Luxon has publicly named as his best friend is his own wife, Amanda Luxon. It’s highly possible our PM could’ve meant “she” instead of “he”, and it’s true that Mrs Luxon has lived in North America (with Mr Luxon). Strong-arming footballers into watching those silly little videos her husband makes on his lunch break could be how she got so buff, but Amanda seems the least likely culprit yet.
Lost and absolutely desperate for answers, there was only one option left: abusing the rights afforded to the public under the Official Information Act 1982 to see whether Luxon had received any communications regarding Kelce or Swift since Wednesday. I imagined the lowly employee within the department of the prime minister and cabinet receiving my email, wondering whether they were wrong to try to forge a meaningful working life in New Zealand, and if it was too late to dream big overseas.
But I believe in speaking truth to power, and I know this is in the public interest. Of course, there is a very real possibility that this American he/him best friend never contacted Luxon through his work phone, and maybe called the family landline instead. Maybe he sent Luxon the news via finsta DM. Or maybe it never happened at all, and the prime minister deceived us for clout points.
In any case, I’ll see you all in 20 working days.
