Pop CultureMarch 7, 2016

“Where he’s going, he doesn’t need roads” – reviewing the first episode of The Bachelor NZ

Senior writer

Alex Casey reviews the first episode of The Bachelor NZ, including bliss balls, gongs and a whole new meaning to the word “throw pillow.”

“He could definitely be my future husband… I think.”

And so the second season of The Bachelor NZ opened with a perfect “yeah, nah” blend of sincerity and trepidation. Almost instantly, the show had revealed so much about the New Zealand character that it bordered on parody.

Our second Bachelor, 32-year-old filmmaker and actor Jordan Mauger, is similarly happy to revel in the Kiwi way. We meet him with his shirt unbuttoned just one too many, warbling on about stubbies and swannies before sitting in a dinghy and speeding off to presumably rescue a beached-as whale with a piece of number eight wire.

He’s about as different from Art Green as a bag of wizened paleo bites is from a hot fudge sundae. He works in a hip (empty) office where he talks about “waiting for the crew” and taps his pen hurriedly on a table. For some reason, he also owns a DeLorean.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t already charmed. My heart swelled as he cradled a dog, then later a baby. Not for too long though. As the Bachelor, he is required by law to take a very intense slow motion shower and then board a chopper bound for Pohuehue to greet his beloveds.

The 23 women vying for Jordan’s affections seem more mature this time around, and have enjoyed the luxury of watching season one’s mistakes from the comfort of their couch. They have travelled from all across New Zealand – and the world. That’s what Mike Puru says anyway, but who knows how long he’s been swaying quietly on that mansion stoop. Could be weeks; could be months.

The new mansion looks stunning, practically ablaze with fairy lights and tealight candles. The same can be said for the women. One by one, they prance out in confusingly similar sequin dresses to meet their forever love. “Wow” says Jordan. “Brilliant” says Jordan. “Fantastic” says Jordan. Their first encounters are awkward, fumbling and repetitive, perhaps so similar to real life that I found my teeth starting to gently curl.

At least this year we’ve got another pretty diverse bunch – although there are already a few top ten blondes who I assure you we’ll be getting to know very well. Other legends in the house include Metz, the Samoan Princess who just “needs a man.” Her requirements for love are only one notch broader than Alicia’s, who simply asks for “good teeth and good feet.” Incidentally, that’s also her requirement when purchasing miniature ponies.

Hats off to early frontrunner Rebecca for making a Star Wars joke during their first meeting and, drumroll please, receiving the coveted first impression rose. Tune in next week when she probably wears a Princess Leia bikini poolside and they get married on the spot to the tunes of the Star Wars cantina band.

With 23 introductions and 1000 crappy gifts to get through, wasn’t a lot of room for tension. Any shred of drama was amplified by the repeated use of a sound effect best described as ‘gong being dropped down an elevator shaft’. Naz, one to watch, swanned in and stole Jordan’s time more than once. Cue gong. Lara wedged her way uncomfortably between Jordan and Ceri as Ceri divulged the details of her abusive relationship. Cue very loud, very long gong.

Dramatic gongs aside, the highlight of the episode was Harmony, the rogue who appeared to drink a Mauger amount of alcohol. The exact opposite of her name, she threw cushions around poolside and flounced out of the mansion like she had wandered there by accident. She will be missed.

I’m hungrier for the rest of the season than I am for a jar of Claudia’s scary homemade bliss balls. To return to The Bachelor NZ thesaurus, I think Amanda summed up the first episode best. When describing her experience so far, she claimed it had been “good, different, interesting, and fun.” Honestly, I couldn’t have put it better myself.

Keep going!

Pop CultureMarch 7, 2016

Shortland Street Power Rankings – Curtis channels his inner Victoria

Tara Ward

Staff writer

Tara Ward brings you her Shortland Street Power Rankings for last week, including Stevie’s evolution into Houdini, Nicole’s exhausting workload and Esther’s incredible phone-based breakthrough.

1) Stevie is the amazing disappearing baby

Boyd lost it when he remembered he’d left Baby Stevie alone in the hospital car park. By the time he’d retraced his steps, Stevie had cleverly disappeared into a vortex of time and space. “The Titanic is actually sinking!” Boyd screamed at Lucy. Typical doctor – banging on about irrelevant things like diet and exercise when all you want to know is why you can’t climb the stairs without puffing.

2) Esther makes contact with the other side

Esther was bereft when some big bad skinheads stole her phone. Without it, how will she communicate with the outside world? Curtis broke Esther’s universe into tiny little pieces when he told her about a random invention called a ‘landline’. Plus there’s this amazing thing called ‘the phone book’, a revolutionary publication that has everyone’s names and numbers, in alphabetical order no less. Nobody mention 018 Directory, it’s likely to BLOW HER MIND.

Screen Shot 2016-03-01 at 1.21.50 PM

3) Jimmy goes, he goes, he just goes.

For four torturous episodes, Jimmy worried and whimpered about whether it was safe to leave Ferndale while that absentminded drongo Boyd lurked about. There was maximum frowning and hand flailing. One minute Jimmy decided he’d move to Raglan, and the next he wouldn’t. Then he would, then he wouldn’t. I don’t have time for this shit, Jimmy, I’ve got a phone book to read.

4) Victoria and Mo Marvin Gaye and get it on

Victoria and Mo sampled some afternoon delight, much to the dismay of Jack and 89% of the viewing public. Their relationship went from strength to strength, even after Victoria considered leaving Curtis to die in a burning building. Bless you, Mo, for you are obviously attracted to blonde nutbars and will need all the help you can get.

Screen Shot 2016-03-03 at 1.24.22 PM

5) Kylie is not so lucky, lucky, lucky

Kylie had a shithouse week. She suffered from: a surgeon who cocked up her boob operation, anxiety about when her next surgery will be, an endless stream of annoying visitors and – worst of all – scratchy bed sheets. Welcome to the public health system, Kyles.

Screen Shot 2016-03-03 at 1.39.01 PM

6) Curtis channels his inner blonde

Curtis gave us his best impression of a loved-up Victoria and it was pretty much bang on the money.

7) Drew discovers he is not a Supreme Being

News just in: McCaskill is not perfect. With his career wilting like week old bunch of spring onions, Drew incurred the wrath of McKenna, got wasted on a wild mix of pills and whisky, and told Harper he slept with Victoria. The man needs to lighten up and go to a Zumba class or something. At least YOU still have your boobs, Drew.

Screen Shot 2016-03-03 at 1.23.47 PM

8) Nicole is too busy to be in the power rankings

Make way for Busy Nicole, the only nurse in Shortland Street. After working non-stop for 78 days it’s no wonder she mis-triaged a flesh-eating disease – but I’m glad she did. Otherwise we’d have missed out on Harper and George saying ‘Necrotizing Fasciitis’ four times in a row, back and forward like some form of bizarre medical terminology ping-pong game.

Screen Shot 2016-03-04 at 7.58.32 PM

Will Rachel solve the nursing crisis before Necrotizing Fasciitis takes over the entire hospital? Will Esther learn to survive without a portable communication device? Will Kylie forgive Drew for being the biggest boob in Ferndale? But most importantly, will baby Stevie learn to pull a rabbit out of a hat?

Shortland Street airs 7pm weekdays of TV2, click here to catch up on TVNZ Ondemand

This content, like all television coverage we do at The Spinoff, is brought to you thanks to the excellent folk at Lightbox. Do us and yourself a favour by clicking here to start a FREE 30 day trial of this truly wonderful service.