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Pop CultureMay 7, 2023

Everything you missed from King Charles’ coronation


Alex Casey and Tara Ward were watching the coronation last night. Here’s everything they saw.

The absolute state of this

The TVNZ studio was having an absolutely normal one at the beginning of the six and a half hour long broadcast.

The punters were out in force

On TVNZ 1, Melissa and Daniel crossed to reporter Jacob Johnson at an Auckland party.  “You’re really bopping,” Daniel Faitaua told Jacob, who cut some shapes as ‘Californication’ boomed out on the stereo. The party host spent the past six months making all the party games from scratch, even going through skips to find the right material.  “Got any dance moves you’re going to show us later?” Jacob asked some kids. “No!” one replied. 

Meanwhile in the South Island, Donna-Marie Lever met a queen who told us she has corgi nuts and marmalade sandwiches in her handbag.

The celeb spotting was divine

“It’s a real honour to get the invite,” said Jay Blades, the host of The Repair Shop. He was also hoping to buy the chair he gets to sit on in the coronation, which seems like an excellent way for the crown to recoup costs. Dame Judi Dench in a rakish lilac fedora was an early showstopper: 

And Andrew Lloyd Webber brushed up on his lyrics (you wrote them mate!). 

Also, Lionel Richie was there but he was not dancing on the ceiling :(

Speaking of Richie… It’s Richie McCaw!

Chippy was chipper

The prime minister was wearing a Barkers suit and a kākahu, and he was not feeling nervous. “It’s a significant piece of history,” Hipkins said of the day, adding that he was looking forward to the chance to speak with other leaders before the coronation ceremony.

Mike Hosking was shoe scammed

After boasting about getting the very same shoes as King Charles for the coronation, a single dainty slipper emerging from the state coach confirmed what we all feared. Hosking has been hoodwinked, bamboozled, led astray and flat out deceived.

Harry pottered about

Prince Hazza entered the Abbey along with his cousins Eugenie and Beatrice and their spouses. Nobody in the crowd appeared to be reading Spare. Later, he would be seated in the third row behind William and Kate, but they didn’t seem to talk because they were too busy singing hymns.

King Charles kissed a book

And he liked it.

There was a lot of gold

Can you imagine how many cans of Brasso have been used this week in London? Bloody shitloads, because the amount of gold in this joint was off the charts. Frankly, the glint off that stuff is a health and safety concern, and someone should have told the King to put on his sunglasses, break out the SPF, and slip slop slap.

The anointing was truly bizarre

King Charles had the rug pulled out of his pants to go behind these screens, take off his robes, and get slathered in 700 year old oil. Any questions? Didn’t think so.

And then, more gold. 

After be was anointed, King Charles donned a linen tunic to “symbolise simplicity” – but then promptly covered it up with what appeared to be a coat made of solid gold. He then sat in his old coat and with a gold sword attached to his belt, and was asked to “stop the growth of inequity” which seemed fine.

At the final count he appeared to be wearing 8,000 layers of gold, several bangles, a sword, a fancy scarf, a girdle and a single glove. The “robe of righteousness” and the “gown of salvation” were put on his heaving shoulders, while those at home watched on in a cardigan of bewilderment.

The crowning was fast yet firm

With both hands full and unable to move from all the weight of all the gold, King Charles had the crown put on his head. This officially makes him King, mostly because the Archbishop pushed that crown down so hard that it might never come off again.

Then it was Queen Camilla’s turn

While one thousand children howled an original song by Andrew Lloyd Webber, Queen Camilla was crowned. Then, King Charles touched a special jug with a single gloved hand. Any questions?

The procession left for Buckingham Palace

The state coach followed a procession of thousands of military personnel, who were all walking in perfect unison thanks to the very relaxed-looking guy who told them all when to start:

And it all ended with a wave

A very low energy balcony wave session from our new King and Queen, saved in the final moments by this thrilling double-hander from Louis.

At least someone in this family still knows how to give them the old razzle dazzle.

Keep going!