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Pop CultureJanuary 16, 2017

An aggrieved reader writes: In defence of Ed Sheeran’s latest single

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Last week, The Spinoff’s music editor wrote a negative review of Ed Sheeran’s new track, ‘Shape of You’. Mitchell Houlbrooke read that review, disagreed vehemently, and sent us this response.

Many people, including The Spinoff’s own Henry Oliver, are not impressed with the new Ed Sheeran single, ‘Shape of You’.

It has been variously accused of being:

  1. not real Ed Sheeran
  2. too late to catch the tropical house wave
  3. a poorly-executed example of the above
  4. “banal”

I tactfully disagree. Someone has to stand up for this radio-hungry monstrosity and it looks like that person is me.

Ed Sheeran’s first album is mostly acoustic pop with occasional bones thrown to other genres. Guitar strumming and relatable lyrics are his stock in trade. He did more of the same on album no. 2, except he wisely realised he needed to get a bit of big-budget pop production on there to keep the hits coming and appealing to a wide audience. That album had some much more radio-relevant songs on it, and did deservedly well.

We’ve seen this trajectory before. This is Taylor Swift with red hair. This is Bruno Mars from London. Ed more than anything wants to make as many people happy as he can. That overrides his desire to stay in his natural ‘safe-zone’ of updated Jack Johnson tunes. All we are seeing with this track is a continued slide in that direction. And just to show he hasn’t lost touch with his roots, the other song released with this one, ‘Castle on the Hill’ is a pretty typical Ed Sheeran song, just with a more grandiose arrangement. People have rightly pointed out that that song is more one for the core fans.

‘Shape of You’ is supposed to be the hit. The track that storms its way up the charts not by brute force, but by overwhelming earworm-factor. It does so by way of the great pop trend of 2015/6, tropical house. Turned into an art form by producers like Kygo, Felix Jaehn and Robin Schulz, it throws a mountain of steel drums, congas etc. on sparse arrangements that emphasise the sweetness of melody above all. Forget bass drops, breakdowns, and epic synth rave-ups – tropical house is laid back but builds to its own type of climax using repetition and subtle layering. The quantity of songs in this style has certainly decreased lately, but does that mean Ed has missed the yacht?

Imagine if Daft Punk had heard producer Josh Ramsay reviving disco in grand fashion with Carly Rae Jepsen’s ‘Call Me Maybe’ back in 2011 and decided to not bother going down that route with their next album? We’d never witness the peak of the early ‘10s disco pop craze. Every person who has ever declared a genre as ‘done’ has been proven wrong.

On the balance of things, ‘Shape of You’ is a pretty damn good tropical house single. What it gets right more than anything is restraint. Tropical house shouldn’t smack you in the face. It should wash over you. Gently. Until the bliss is too much to take. Well, this track is a masterclass: Beginning with a percussive synth loop and some muted guitar strumming, there’s not a squelch of bass to be heard. Ed’s vocal is pretty bare until the pre-chorus, where it gets double tracked, at first at the same pitch, and then an octave up. This trick has been used a million times before to great effect. (Remember the critically-revered chorus on Smash Mouth’s Doors-inspired ‘Walkin’ on the Sun’? No?) And aside from that, precisely nothing is added to the chorus. But you know it’s the chorus. Behold the power of a well-written melody.

Throw in a more muscular post-chorus, a mercifully-brief bridge, and a slightly augmented final chorus and you have a textbook hit on your hands. Yes, the lyrics are silly, but they work well enough to not raise any uncool alarm bells with the teen demographic, and for everyone else – ignore them. How good do you need your pop lyrics to be?

I first heard this track in a social situation where I had no idea who the artist was. It was pure pop magic. It snuck itself in amongst some (actually banal) Chainsmokers and ZAYN tracks and got me while my guard was down. So before you decide you hate this track, let your guard down too. Because Ed sure as hell did making it.

Editors note: I haven’t seen La La Land, but I’ve had one scene recalled to me: Ryan Gosling, a jazz snob, says to Emma Stone, not a jazz fan, “What do you mean you don’t like jazz?” To which Emma Stone replies, “When I listen to it, I don’t like it.” That could be Mitchell and me, but about this song. – Henry


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Idris pound my yams

SocietyJanuary 16, 2017

Pound my yams: Emily Writes gets the horn for Idris Elba

Idris pound my yams

Editor’s note, January 20 2017: This post has been removed at the author’s request. Emily writes about the original post, the response, and her decision to take it down here.

Editor’s note, March 24 2017: in the post’s absence there has been continued conjecture about what it contained. We at The Spinoff have elected to restore the post below so that there is an online original. Emily still regrets the post, and believes Lana Lopesi’s critique to be valid, and its restoration is to allow those curious about what it contained, or who would make reference to the incident, to have access to the source material.

Have you thought about what it would it be like to go on a date with Idris Elba? We mean, have you really thought about it? Emily Writes has. Boy has she ever…

Here lies Emily Writes.

Cause of death: Idris Elba saying “That’s right love”.

She died doing what she loved.

Honestly look at this perfection. It actually caused me to melt into a puddle. It’s amazing I can type. I spontaneously combusted. I am ashes.


What would it be like to date Idris Elba? Look at the way he sits. It’s absurd. It’s like he knows that if he spread his legs even slightly we’d all get pregnant. And he knows that we’re all so tired so he doesn’t want that. He cares about us. He’s thoughtful. I bet if Idris Elba was your boyfriend he would give you a shoulder massage every time he passed you.

Idris Elba’s hands are so big. Around the 16,938th time I watched this video I realised – HIS HANDS ARE SO BIG.

Idris Elba knows that when he does that thing where he twinkles his eyes and he gets those forehead wrinkles he’s turning women (and men) into quivering messes. Desert island survivors dying of thirst. Toeier than a Roman sandal (and yes toey means horny, don’t start this shit again Twitter). More hot and bothered than a penguin in a heatwave. Wild with desire to the point of GOOD GOD Jesus take the wheel.

An absolute state of MUST.

I’ve never much liked the term stud for some reason. Maybe it’s because I think horses are assholes. But I think Idris is a stud. I once heard someone get described as a Grindsman and I thought – what a weird term – but I bet Idris grinds.

I will spend quite possibly the rest of my life imagining what it is like to go on a date with Idris Elba. On my death bed when I reflect on how I have spent my life I will consider all of the days I attempted to focus on anything other than how exhaustingly arousing Idris Elba is – and I will have no regrets.

What would he be like on a date? Even though I’m utterly convinced he, excuse my French here – FUCKS LIKE A CHAMP – I am sure he’d be a gentleman. And not in that opens a door for you then expects you to drop to your knees for it because apparently chivalry is dead. I mean it’s a fucking door guys. Nobody gives a shit if you hold a door open. It’s basic politeness for either gender. You don’t deserve a wristie just because you were the bare minimum of a decent human by HOLDING A DOOR.

What was I saying? Yep – he definitely would throw down like he’s seconds away from a gold medal. I believe it. But he’d also make you breakfast and buy you a real coffee. Imagine him with croissants. It’s almost too much to bear. And he’d be a really great big spoon. He’d tell you great stories about the dodgy stuff that goes on on film sets. And you’d know this magic won’t last but it won’t matter.

Coz girl, you got banged by Idris Elba.

And indeed – he’d be the banger. You know it. He’d go off like a missile. And you wouldn’t have to do anything. You could just lie there. He wouldn’t expect you to do any weird shit he’d just give you a good going over. Like a perfect steak. You’d be well done.

You can tell by the way he sits.

And on the date it’d be like:

*Idris Elba looks at me very Idris Elba-ly*

“Emily are you married?”

Me: “Divorced”

“When did you get divorced Emily?”

“Just now.”

I bet he says your name a lot but not in a scary telemarketer way. In a – I really want to get to know you for the brief 24 hours we’re going to be together – way.

When you’re looking in the mirror putting in the diamond earrings he bought you, you’d catch him staring at you and you’d say “What is it Idris Elba?”

And he’d say: “Nothing – just you. You are breathtaking”.

And then he’d say “come here” and grab you and pull you into his lap. And you’d be like “Oh my gosh, stop it Idris Elba I have to go buy bagels!”

And he’d be like “I’ll give you bagels”

And you wouldn’t care that that doesn’t really work as a metaphor for sex. You’d just be like GIVE ME BAGELS IDRIS ELBA.

Oh Idris Elba – thank you for existing with your face and those eyes and…

Idris

You’re truly a gift and not just because you’re exploiting our wide-ons to raise money for an important charity. It truly is lust making the world a better place.

I have entered using my entire life savings. If you would like to buy my kidney you can – all proceeds toward my thirst. If you enter for me under “gift” I’ll consider it a commission.

A commission to write the greatest love story ever told.

Thank you Idris. I don’t think I’ll ever recover fully from that video – but it was worth it.