Nothing says Merry Christmas quite like milking a cow live on TV. Tara Ward watches as the morning shows bid a festive farewell for the year.
All good things must come to an end, and the festive joy flowed fast and loose this morning as Breakfast and AM delivered their final shows of the year. AM’s studio was bursting with tinsel and baubles and Christmas cheer, and after the six o’clock news bulletin dropped several Prince Harry documentary bombshells, Ryan Bridge and Melissa Chan-Green gifted us their best Prince Harry impressions. They giggled and cackled until someone snort-laughed, and Merry Christmas New Zealand, we were off with a bang.
Breakfast was also away laughing, but the weather hadn’t got the memo. Their live broadcast from Mission Bay was shrouded in a thick coat of grey mist that made summer look… a little bit shit. “It’s just starting to drizzle, but that’s indicative of the year we’ve had,” Jenny-May Clarkson said, while a festively dressed Matty McLean apologised for the amount of thigh he was showing the nation. “You’re quite hairy, aren’t you?” Jenny-May remarked. It’s nice to think that after all these years of early morning television, we’re still learning new things about each other.
Back on AM, Ryan covered himself in tinsel to tease a viral story about Palmerston North. “Why is Palmerston North?” he asked, which is a question you can ask any time of year and yet one I don’t remember AM giving us the answer to. Both shows crossed live to reporters around the globe, with the Breakfast team showcasing the “most Kiwi gifts” they’d found overseas. Sydney reporter Andrew McFarlane held up a bag with Russell Crowe’s face on it, while in New York, Anna Burns Francis showed off the gingerbread New Zealand scene that she’d spent all week making. “Christmas was the winner on the day,” a diplomatic Jenny-May ruled, as the mist fogged up her glasses and everyone’s hair went frizzy.
Between the gingerbread and the gifts, the news came thick and fast. “We’ll speak to a popular vegetable grower we met earlier in the year,” Ryan promised on AM, while Breakfast looked back on the sporting year that was. “Posi vibes all round,” Indira Stewart told us, while the AM Show held a political debate with Labour’s Kieran McAnulty and National MP Erica Stanford. The vibe was light and cheery, and after the political jaunty jibes had finished, everyone exchanged presents. Erica gave Ryan a clip-on man bun. “This isn’t your hair, it is?” Ryan asked Erica. “Because that would be weird.”
What definitely wasn’t weird was Ryan chucking on an elf’s slipper to lead us into the 7.30am news. “Things are crazy here!” he told us, waving his crazy foot around the crazy studio during this crazy time of year. The mist was lifting on Breakfast, and AM gave a traffic update from the tiny town of Lauder. There was no traffic, and it was two hours to Dunedin, like always. Crazy! Santa popped into AM with a sack of goodies, and admitted to Ryan that the elves were demanding higher wages. Ryan reckoned they were unionising “up the wazoo”. Over on TVNZ 1, Breakfast showed how to wrap the wazoo out of lamps and watering cans.
By 8.30am, Rangitoto had emerged from the clouds and the AM megapanel was debating whether men should open doors for women, but the best was yet to come. After the last news bulletin of the year, Melissa Chan-Green revealed they were about to make Ryan Bridge’s dream of milking a cow live on television come true. “Do I yank or squeeze?” Ryan asked as he approached Princess the Cow, who offered nothing in reply. We watched as Ryan yanked and squeezed to his heart’s content, savouring his sip from the unpredictable teat that is live breakfast television. “I’ve never been happier,” Ryan said afterwards, declaring Princess’s milk to be both “warm” and “yummy”.
As both shows neared nine o’clock, they farewelled 2022 with musical performances from Marlon Williams (Breakfast) and Six60 (AM). The sun finally poked its head out at Mission Bay and the tinsel glistened under the AM studio lights and each team thanked both viewers and colleagues. The final teat had been milked, the last gift had been wrapped, and our early morning shows were done for another year. Both Jenny-May and Melissa wiped away tears, and somewhere amid the elves’ slippers and gift-wrapped watering cans, I’m sure I heard Princess the Cow make the most relieved moo of all.
Breakfast and AM return in January 2023.