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Pop CultureJuly 22, 2016

Jane Yee on The Block: I’m too deep in this schist to drop out now

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Our resident Blockaholic Jane Yee recaps the highs and lows from week eight of The Block NZ, including the moment that the schist hit the fan.

Whatever the opposite of hissing is, it’s happening on The Block right now. Eight weeks in and the fatigue has finally hit me. I’ve watched every damn episode ever made of this show and I’m just not sure that I care anymore. It doesn’t help that we’ve just had entrance, hall and stairway week (aka boring week).

That snoozefest made me want to stick pencils in my eyeballs, and yet here I am, still watching four and a half hours of this half-baked show each week because I got too far behind on MKR. More asinine challenges, more wheeling out MediaWorks stars. If it hadn’t been for The Dylsz’ pushing the envelope while everyone else licked stamps, I’d probably be clocking out all together.

1) ROOM REVEAL

Sunday night’s room reveal episode showcased the kitchen and dining rooms, the jewel in the crown of every Block season. I look forward to this reveal the most because I am a woman. As a gender, us women love cooking for our men and children.

So when four rather unremarkable kitchens were rolled out in front of my eager eyes, I threw down my tea towel in an uncharacteristic moment of reckless abandon. Sam and Emmett won, even though they left a massive f-off microwave on the bench and had stools that couldn’t accommodate the most wee of thighs, let alone The Dylsz giant quads of destruction.

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2) THROWING SCHIST AT THE WALL

I have held the judges’ opinions in fairly high esteem, but when Fiona gave the Dylsz’ mock schist splashback the thumbs up and Paul begrudgingly excused it, I started yelling at the television. We’re talking about a photo of their bathroom wall made into a glass splashback. It sounds awful, because it is.

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3) DISHCLOTH DECOR

One of my favourite moments this week was discovering The Dylsz had accessorised their kitchen with a chux cloth and scouring sponge. Tiff was shaking in her boots with this one.

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4) HEAPSA GIB

Hello straws, fancy being clutched? WTF was this ‘big order of gib’ storyline? Attempting to make entrance/hallway/stairs week exciting is a fool’s errand, they should’ve just got the contestants drunk and played some games.

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5) LOVE DON’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE

Lies! Last week Semma had all the major media outlets believing they were a hot item. Exchanging flirty glances, they spoke of love and jackets and condoms. This week my suspicion that it was all just a bit of jiggery-pokery was confirmed. It was The Bachelor all over again. I’m not sure I believe in true love anymore.

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Another love affair that’s at serious risk of imploding is the one between House Four and council inspector Glyn. There were no hugs to be had after some fuckwit flooded Sam and Emmett’s basement. It was moisture aplenty. Glyn didn’t even bother getting his prongs out, so confident was he of a big fat fail.

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6) LOVE IN THE LIGHTBULBS

Move aside Pita Pit and Freedom Furniture, because Lighting Direct is the new star retailer in town. I think. Hard to say exactly because their not-an-official-partner logo was blurred out, but there was a lot of lime green in the store so I feel confident.

Glyn might not have been handing out the hugs this week, but there was no shortage of them at (probably) Lighting Direct.

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While The Block site was rife with heartbreak, love was blossoming amongst the bulbs where a couple of sales cougars had developed megacrushes on The Dylsz. Or, more specifically, certain parts of The Dylsz.

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7) TRADIES OF THE WEEK

As mentioned, the big drama of the week was A Lot of Gib. That meant a lot of gib fixing, and a lot of gib stopping. The usual gang of tradies was not enough to take on such A Lot of Gib, so some notable ring-ins joined the fray. I thoroughly enjoyed Emma and Courtney’s gib gang from Hungary, which is not the same place as Russia BTW Sam.

Sam Russia copy

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Even more exciting was a cameo from none other than Big Bad Bobby’s dad.

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8) GAMECHANGER CHALLENGE

Really? Bowling fruit and vege at more fruit and vege for the pretty sweet prize of a minus one point, safecracker and an alarm system? Really?

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Emmett won so no one could open their safe. With just two weeks to go, and two teams yet to crack theirs open, I’m wondering if the MediaWorks intern really thought this convoluted mess through?

Emma slams Emmet copy

9) OPEN MIC CHALLENGE

This challenge debuted last season and was phenomenally painful viewing. I felt confident we wouldn’t be subjected to it again because it was very bad television, and I’m sure Tiff felt the same or she would never have applied to be on the show.

If I wanted to see grown adults dress up in costume and put way too much effort into extremely embarrassing performances, then I’d sign up for church camp mate.

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The prize? Some sweet cash and, more excitingly for you and I, the opportunity to take a team out of the running at room reveal.

The Blockstars were judged by Jono and Ben, much to Niki and Tiff’s disappointment. Those Team Yellow joygerms were ready to rain zeros down on the competition.

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It started badly with Emma and Courtney putting on a music performance with some help from Brendon Thomas and The Vibes of X Factor. The less said about this the better.

C + E music copy

Niki and Tiff had a blast slamming together a sweet comedy set that had us all ROFL-ing big time. God, such great gags.

N & T comedy copy

Then things stepped up a thousand notches and got surprisingly good. Nay, great. Nay, kinda amazing! Big Dyls and Little Dylz donned outfits tighter than usual and executed some bloody intense acrobatic manoeuvres.

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Finally a be-skivvied Sam and Emmett took the stage for a contemporary poetry performance that was in line with their regs MO of being both endearing and funny.

Sam and Emmet poetry copy

The Dylsz deservedly won the day, and also a little bit of my heart. It was just enough to keep me holding on, so yes, I’ll be back next week. I’m too deep in this schist to drop out now, and with only two weeks to go I can finally see a fleckle of light at the end of this townhouse tunnel.


The Block NZ airs Sunday 7pm and Mon-Wed at 7.30pm on TV3

This content, like all television coverage we do at The Spinoff, is brought to you thanks to the excellent folk at Lightbox. Do us and yourself a favour by clicking here to start a FREE 30 day trial of this truly wonderful service.

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Pop CultureJuly 22, 2016

This week I played: Return to Neko Atsume

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The world may have lurched hungrily in the direction of block-buster Pokémon GO, but Joseph Harper is still enjoying quiet feline pleasures. Here we check in on him and see what’s new in the world of Neko Atsume.

Toward the end of last year I was turned on to Hit-Point’s immensely pleasurable orphan cat simulator, Neko Atsume. Since then I’ve checked in on my cat ranch around five times a day. Times are no longer tough. I don’t scrimp on weak biscuits or jelly meat anymore. My cats enjoy a diet of pure sashimi at the very least. They have a complete array of toys, cushions, and scratching towers to recline on. It’s no minor skite to say that my cats knead their little paws into the lap of luxury.

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Other mobile games have come hard and fallen from prominence on my ‘game app’ page. I deleted the skiing game I use to like. I haven’t played Subway Surfer in fricken ages. I have no idea of the current state of my arty Irish Mountain simulation. But every day I make sure my cats are fed and photographed, lest they show a hint of unhappiness I know full well they’re incapable of.

To start with it was a completist urge. Though it’s pretty simple to snag a beautiful photograph of all the cats. It’s just a case of putting out their favourite plaything (a ten gallon hat for Billy the Kitten, a luxury hammock for Lady Meow-Meow) and keeping the kibble bowls filled with top-notch chow. The difficult part is collecting “mementos”. They seem to be randomly distributed and all you can really do is keep on keepin’ on and hope the local kits are pleased enough with your efforts to  leave behind a tiny toothbrush or mysterious gem.

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The other way the Neko Atsume gods keep things interesting is by regularly updating with new playthings and rare cats. At Christmas they introduced the world to chilly little kitty Frosty. A candy themed update gave the world some bizarre cake platter type climbing things as well as the disgustingly bougie Jeeves and Sapphire.

The latest update included the gentle torti angle Pasty and the humorously patchy Chip. Plus a new rare cat: gorgeous pirate baby, Bengal Jack.

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Bad ass kitty kat

I currently have all the cats photographed and own the mementos of everyone but Bengal Jack. Fingers crossed he responds to the booty I’ve been putting out. There’s a chance I’ll be chugging along with this game until I die. I assume one day they’ll put out a fully mean augmented reality version and then my life will be totally taken over.