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Pop CultureJanuary 29, 2020

The Bachelorette NZ Power Rankings: And then there were two?!?!?

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Alex Casey delivers her second batch of power rankings after the first dramatic week of The Bachelorette NZ. Click here for the first instalment

Two Bachelorettes. 

Two. 

Bachelorettes. 

The room is spinning, the floor is lava, my nose is running worse than Brendon’s post red-carpet because I have been crying and laughing hysterically since I found out the good news. Nothing will ever be the same as long as I live. I am Mr Krabs in a tumble dryer. I am a book sliced clean in half. I am red mist. I am shrieking in a pitch so high that only Barry the pug can hear me. TWO BACHELORETTES???? TWO WHOLE HUMAN BACHELORETTES?!?!?! 

The cocktail party tonight began with a bombshell. “I’m pregnant” Lesina told the gobsmacked men, collapsing into a perfect pile of perfect giggles. She’s kidding, of course. Her double-Bachelorette news is much more miraculous than the creation of human life. “She’s got a secret” the voiceover teased, “and it starts… with an ‘L’”. Hmm, who the hell else on this whole bloody Earth starts with an L? Probably no one, come to think of it. Not a single soul, actually.

The introduction of a second Bachelorette, whose mysterious, mysterious, mysterious identity will be revealed next week, was the cherry on top of what has been a truly genre-bending, crossover-loving and convention-fucking start to the series. Whose reality show is it anyway? Sometimes it is House of Drag, sometimes it is Celebrity Treasure Island, sometimes it is pure Jackass – if Jackass was just bored men with ripped jeans and an air horn. 

Oh, and don’t even TALK TO ME about how Lesina stays in the cursed MAFSNZ apartments. They best have saged each and every floor of that place before letting The Good Doctor inside. 

Must be some bad energy left in those walls, because Art appeared to become possessed by a Bad Vibe and drop this clanger on national television. 

I pray for ye Art, just as I pray for the brave Bachelors who have slipped down the mighty rankings this week. 

ELIMINATED: Brendon

Hmmm hard to diagnose where Brendon went wrong. Maybe it was when he inquired about Lesina’s sister as a “back-up plan”. Maybe it was when he lashed out in private and said that “if she can’t take a little joke then she’s a not a strong person”. Maybe it was the fact that his sleeve was still drenched in snot from the previous night. Fly high, Brendon. 

EXEMPT: Moleman

Nobody in human history has thrown themselves into a job with as much rigour and enthusiasm as The Mole. He’s keeping an eye on “lovesick” Conor (I thought there was a vaccination for that), he’s schooling Flynny on how to be a Real Man and he’s been reclining on MoleCam like David Brent’s long lost brother. Mole is life. Life is Mole. 

10PM APOLOGY: Kurt and Marcus

It has come to my attention that I left both Kurt and Marcus off these initial rankings because I am unable to do basic arithmetic. Sorry to these men, but also step it up next week would ya?

15) Glenn

OK TVNZ, I’m going to need a six-part true crime miniseries about the bizarro beefcake that is Glenn. First of all, he decided to write Lesina a heartfelt letter about being there for the right reasons instead of, you know, talking to her. Second of all, he told the lads that they would need HIS permission if they wanted to kiss her, completely ignoring the fact that he doesn’t have permission from the New Zealand Police to sit there and eat his KFC with an actual spoon. 

He did a terrible rap in the talent contest about making Lesina’s bed rattle and shake, ending with a wank joke and throwing some hand lotion at poor Logan. As if that wasn’t enough of a living nightmare, he then decided to wander into the nearby bushes to pick a lemon before biting straight into it. There’s a special place in reality TV hell for people who bite straight into lemons on camera, and it’s time for Glenn to take his place next to Daniel from My Restaurant Rules NZ

14) Conor

Permission to approach the bench re: Conor’s lobster Jordan Peterson bowtie? No? OK, how about how he described himself as needing to go “full magpie” before sitting glassy-eyed in the corner of the cocktail party and refusing to say a single word to anybody. Probably just too distracted by Lesina’s glittering Pascoes jewels to form a proper sentence. 

13) Steve

It’s weird that Steve is this low in the rankings, but it is what it is. He got the first rose (and an invaluable pat on the back from the mole) this week, but we still haven’t seen nearly enough of the guy. Not a good sign for our quiet karaoke-loving Virgo. And that’s coming from me, a quiet karaoke-loving Virgo.

12) Jesse

Much like Steve, there’s not a hell of a lot of evidence that Jesse and Lesina have spoken a single word to each other, but who really needs talking when your clothes are so loud? 

11) Terence

Terence achieved basically nothing this week apart from pulling off a bowler hat, bowtie and suspenders – not an easy thing to do in 2020.

10) Mr Wedge

Silent wedge, holy wedge, where is wedge, I want wedge.

9) Liam

Phenomenal pivot from Liam this week, from cocky Aussie surfer to big emo sulk baby. Get that man some salty sea air stat before he buys a My Chem ticket and dyes his fringe. 

8) Flynny

Drag Flynny is the only Flynny I recognise

7) Dom

This made me laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. 

6) George

George came away the unlikely victor of the Tough Mudder challenge, which gave him the prestigious opportunity to sit in a car boot with Lesina. What do we know about George? We know that he rocks a crucifix, we know that he has had a few short-lived uni flings and we know that he is bisexual – extremely rare in stuffy old Bachelor-dom. He also works at Walker & Hall, which could test his loyalties on a show sponsored by Pascoes. Assume he also possesses many rare gems, and that magpie Conor will stop at nothing to own them. 

5) Magic Marc

Hell of a week for Magic Marc, who was off to a ripper with this extremely cursed indoor hat and dry toothbrush combo. 

But that wasn’t even the defining MMM (Magic Marc Moment) this week. During Marc’s talking head interview recapping Glenn’s terrible ‘permission’ joke, Glenn himself WALKED INTO the INTERVIEW and they had the most Kiwi bloke confrontation ever committed to tape. Sorry you felt that way. Mumbling. All good. Yeah nah. We’ll see. Zero eye contact. Mumble. All good. It was only after Glenn left the room that Marc let down his walls, showing the gleeful goblin beneath. 

4) Logan

Sweet gentle Logan won the talent contest with his Pak n’ Save stick figure love story which, to be totally honest, nobody could see, nobody could hear and nobody could understand. Why did he have a guitar on his back if he never actually played it? How did he manage to cut his finger on his own story? At least we finally got a translation of his French inscription – “the story begins with a rose”. Cute! 

3) Quinn

One of the smoothest lines of the week from the engineer with the anti-gravity hair:

2) Tavita

Spin my corpse on the Heartbreak Island golden dial of love I guess, because I did NOT see this coming. I underestimated Tavita in a big huge way because of his reality TV past, but even a gnarled old crone with a dusty heart like me can tell that these two have some kinda crazy chemistry. Look at this hand-holding filth!

On their single date, Lesina wasn’t afraid to ask Tavita some of the big questions, like why he acts differently with her than he does in a big group of lads. She was mindset-professionalising the shit out of the mindset professional, and I was here for it. Instead of getting defensive, Tavita genuinely seemed to take the criticism on board instead of calling her a “knob jockey” or frustratedly biting into a lemon. Didn’t seem fazed at all. 

The date went so well that he left his undies on the boat, and if that isn’t a Cinderella story then I don’t know what is. 

1) Aaron

The first single date of the series had our humble food tech teacher frolicking through the treetops on a harness with Lesina. And MAN were those harnesses tight. “I’m not just a piece of meat you know” Aaron chortled as Lesina giggled nervously. It wasn’t long before the tables were turned again, though, and Aaron was left with the jitters. First he knocked the champagne over, then couldn’t stop his hands shaking as he cut a slice of cheese.

Cue the most movie magic line of the week. 

I’m fainting. Wake me up next week. 

Keep going!
Die! Die! Die! beneath the trees of Albert Park (Photo: Connor Crawford Photography).
Die! Die! Die! beneath the trees of Albert Park (Photo: Connor Crawford Photography).

OPINIONOpinionJanuary 28, 2020

No city for live music: Auckland’s gig problem and how to fix it

Die! Die! Die! beneath the trees of Albert Park (Photo: Connor Crawford Photography).
Die! Die! Die! beneath the trees of Albert Park (Photo: Connor Crawford Photography).

How can Auckland be a ‘City of Music’ without a proper live music culture? Anthony Metcalf on how our biggest city’s paucity of music venues is hurting both artists and gig-goers.

Auckland City was recently named a UNESCO ‘City of Music’ as part of the wider Creative Cities network. This accolade, shared with the likes of Glasgow, Liverpool and Adelaide, celebrates ‘centres of musical creation and activity’. By joining the network, Auckland is acknowledging its rich musical history and a commitment to sharing best practice, developing partnerships, and strengthening participation in cultural life.’ As someone who has lived and breathed live music in Auckland over the past decade, I can tell you that Auckland is nowhere near the music-friendly hub like Glasgow, Liverpool or Adelaide. Not even close. 

Auckland is losing music venues left and right. The St James Theatre sits in ruins, awaiting tens of millions in earthquake repairs. The institution that was the Kings Arms — which hosted legendary shows from The Mint Chicks, White Stripes, Neutral Milk Hotel and Peaches – had a show forcibly shut down in 2017 due to a literal smattering of residential complaints. Similarly, Eden Park, an excellent venue option for large touring concerts, has all but ceased it’s live music offering, due to NIMBY opposition from the local Neighbours Association. This anti utilitarian attitude towards live music, where the temporary concerns for the few outweigh the cultural, economic and entertainment concerns for thousands is not unique to Kingsland however. When I booked live music for downtown venue Cassette #9 we experienced a whole year of council scrutiny concerning the decibel levels of once-weekly gig soundchecks. A whole year.

To fix live music, first we need to fix Auckland. The music scene needs representation on Auckland Council – someone with enough on-the-ground knowledge and big-picture thinking to implement change and prioritise the viability, safety, and affordability of our night time economy. We also need to look at the cities that are doing it well – like London, long at the forefront of vibrant live music, arts and culture. Acknowledging the importance of the night time economy to Londoners’ cultural wellbeing, in 2016 the city government appointed a ‘Night Czar’ whose primary role was “championing London’s nightlife both in the UK and internationally, including safeguarding venues across the city.” Similarly, the South Australian and Victorian governments in Australia have introduced ‘agents of change’ legislation, meaning any development planned near a live music venue will be burdened with the costs for soundproofing the space, not the existing businesses and residents nearby. 

Like most problems, the issue comes down to economics. For live music venues, being centrally located is crucial to remaining viable. That’s why a CBD location is so valuable – it means there are reliable and cost effective transport options from Auckland’s vast suburban sprawl. There have been decent venues as close as Parnell and Newmarket like Juice Bar and the beloved Lucha Lounge, but they’ve have folded due in part to a lack of reliable, late-night transport options for punters. Still, opening a CBD  venue isn’t easy. You’re instantly in competition with retailers, restaurants and property developers in an extremely tight commercial rental market. Any venue that does take the CBD plunge needs to maximise its income in order to pay the bills.

Subsidising a live music spend with alcohol sales is common practice. Venue operators are intrinsically primed to prioritise shows, artists and promoters that will sell out their venues and buy a lot of drinks. Live music is a marginal business, and very difficult to keep viable with the delicate combination of rental and operation costs, and the simple fact that wages haven’t kept up with inflation for the last nine years. The night time economy in Auckland is an intricate web of artists, venues, promoters and creatives types, but their goals are far from common. The pressure to keep people at your bar, drinking your beer, is why you see endless throwback DJ sets, cover bands and drum ‘n bass nights. 

Openside perform at the Hollywood Theatre.

With the CBD out as an option for progressive, forward thinking music venues, why can’t people just set up shop somewhere else? Venues have certainly tried. There was The Ambassador Theatre in Pt Chev which hosted alternative and indie shows in the mid to late 2000s. More recently, there’s been a steady spate of shows at Avondale’s iconic Hollywood Theatre. The problem with these options is that it’s very hard to get home afterwards without a) driving or b) getting a taxi.

For example, the last train home from Avondale station is just after 10pm every night except Friday, when you can train right up to 1:35am. Unless it’s on a Friday, a show at the Hollywood means expecting your entire audience to sober drive or taxi, or perhaps live nearby. Not to mention that currently all major routes lead to the CBD, which means a second or third leg of your journey is almost guaranteed. We’re talking about a whole load of admin and cost just to see a band you like with your mates.

Larger scale music festivals such as the Big Day Out have generally dealt with these issues by working with council and Auckland Transport to bundle free public transport with their concert tickets, and special bus services are often established for Western Springs and Villa Maria concerts. Laneway Festival has always remained somewhat immune to these issues due to its central setting, moving from Britomart to Silo Park (via Aotea Square), and settling in leafy Albert Park for the last few years. My problem with these examples is that they highlight just how lacking our current infrastructure is for simply getting around our city day-to-day. The opt-in nature of these band-aid solutions does nothing to help artists and their potential audiences when they’re honing their craft in grassroots venues.

I’m not saying we’re not a ‘City Of Music’. We are. Some of the greatest songs I’ve ever heard were written right here, in expensive, sprawling, hard-to-get-a-gig-let-alone-pay-the-rent Auckland. But I also think we need to earn our stripes — make it easier on venues, artists and promoters alike to do what they do and grow Auckland’s live music scene to be comparable with the likes of Glasgow, Liverpool and Adelaide. If we’re going to have any chance at competing with Netflix and Fortnite, we need a combination of music-first council policy, improved public transport options and reach, and an acknowledgement that live music has an intrinsic cultural value outside of the balance sheets of the delicate night-time economies keeping Auckland’s live scene above water.

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