Just a few kings (Image: Tina Tiller)

SocietyJune 3, 2024

The 50 kings you need to know

Group Think

A bunch of people

Just a few kings (Image: Tina Tiller)

Today is King’s birthday, but there are oh so many kings to acknowledge. Here’s 50 to think about on your day of rest.

50. King Charles

Obligatory inclusion because it’s his fake birthday.

49. King George VI

From the Colin Firth movie.

48. The King of Hearts

Hearts is the coolest of the card suits and the king looks good in red.

47. Kings of Leon

If you were born in the early 90s, you almost certainly had a period of listening exclusively to early Kings of Leon albums and then bemoaning their eventual mainstream success. Still great, though.

46. Kings (the rapper)

He don’t worry ‘bout it.

45. King (the song)

Specifically the Florence and the Machine banger from 2022, though I will also accept the Years and Years tune of the same name.

44. Cavalier King Charles spaniel

Very good boys.

43. King Air 350 plane

Very good planes.

42. Kings Shoe Store (Temuka)

Mike Hosking could have just gone to Temuka to find the king’s shoes, because this small town shoe store has it all. Boots! Shoes! Handbags! “Love every inch of yourself,” the Kings Shoes website says, and goddammit Temuka, we will.

41. Burger King

The Adelaide takeaway restaurant that forced global fast food giant Burger King (not on this list) to call itself “Hungry Jack’s” in Australia.

40. Asia Martusia King

Pigeon enthusiast, eater of dog food, Spinoff contributor.

39. The Scorpion King

A 2002 sword and sandals action film starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson that is somehow both a prequel and a spinoff of Brendan Fraser’s The Mummy. Critics called it “hyperactive crock”, filled with “brainless action” and “not much charm”.

38. Tree King (arborists in Auckland)

The Google reviews of this royalty-themed Glenfield-based company are a glimpse of the royal treatment customers get. “Tree King are Efficient as! With a capital E,” says one. “Job done right and clean was great” says another. “Tree King trimmed my very large out of control hedge and feijoa tree”, says a third happy customer. If your greenery is unruly, we think that Tree King would be a good sovereign for the job, probably more than a King Charles Spaniel or the Lion King.

37. Storage King

Doesn’t have a monopoly on storage solutions but sure as hell feels like it does. And that’s power.

36. Zog I, King of the Albanians

Zog was initially the prime minister of Albania in 1922, then the president from 1925, then declared himself king in 19 28. A brief scan of his wikipedia page suggests that he was probably a horrible leader to live under, becoming increasingly connected to Mussolini’s Italy until he was disposed in 1939, when Italy invaded Albania. However he does have a very cool name.

35. King’s counsel appointment process

Do you have expert, up-to-date, legal knowledge, mostly acquired from watching every episode of Suits? Then you should apply to be a king’s counsel. Sure, there’s a few other requirements, but I think the legal minds among us will agree the finer details are never important.

34. Nathan King

Lead singer of Zed, one of the panellists in the 2021 Popstars reboot, put on a hell of a show at Christchurch’s ‘The Church’ in 2023.

33. The Lion King

Very good flick.

32. King Dingaling (you ain’t)

Married at First Sight Australia has a rich history of memorable quotes, from Coco asking “does the fact I’ve got a body like a hot dog matter?” in 2021 to Alyssa reminding the world every three minutes “I have a child” just last year. But no quote carries quite as much weight this long weekend as this, uttered by “Cyclone” Cyrell in 2019: “The world doesn’t resolve around you Sam,” she yelled during a particularly fiery couch session. “You ain’t King Dingaling.”

31. Janet King (TV series)

You don’t see enough Janets on TV these days, let alone Janet Kings. Put her face on the back of a coin and let’s go shopping.

30. Dr Martin Luther King Jr

King had the distinction of being not just a king, but also named after Martin Luther, the German priest partially responsible for the existence of churches that aren’t Catholic. He was a critical figure in the civil rights movement in the US, using non-violent resistance to act against racist laws. He was assassinated in 1968 and this is a fascinating podcast about the ramifications of his death.

29. Great King Street, Dunedin

Part of State Highway 1, Great King Street is the northbound part of Dunedin’s notorious “one-way system” that runs through the heart of the city and student quarter. Great King Street landmarks include Tūhura Otago Museum, the famous Willowbank Dairy and the North Dunedin McDonald’s.

28. King of Snake (Christchurch bar)

Heard recently from a Christchurch local that this place is “pretty good” for cocktails.

27. Tiger King (TV series)

Tigers go ROAR.

26. King Loser

Legendary and volatile Flying Nun garage-surf band formed in the 1990s. A documentary filmed during their final tour in 2016 was finally released in 2023, and won this year’s Taite Prize for music journalism.

25. King Kapisi MNZM

In 1999, King Kapisi became the first hip hop artist in New Zealand history to receive the Silver Scroll Award for Songwriter of the Year for his single ‘Reverse Resistance’. He has also closely collaborated with a Philadelphia artist called King Britt. King squared!

24. Kingfisher (beer)

Kingfisher beer is ubiquitous in India, and available around the world, including in New Zealand. It was described as a “sneaky bastard” by the alcohol review column at Otago University’s student magazine Critic Te Arohi in 2018. The beer company temporarily ran a very popular, very cheap domestic airline in India, which closed in 2012. Turning a beer company into an airline? That’s the kind of self delusion that makes it a mid-tier king.

23. Kingfisher (bird)

Kingfishers are very cool birds with strong sturdy bills good for, you guessed it, catching fish. They also inspire poetry, like this from Gerard Manley Hopkins. (Hopkings?)

As kingfishers catch fire, dragonflies draw flame;

As tumbled over rim in roundy wells

Stones ring; like each tucked string tells, each hung bell’s

Bow swung finds tongue to fling out broad its name;

Each mortal thing does one thing and the same.

22. Stephen King

Writer of very scary books.

21. King Lear (Shakespeare play)

When we are born, we cry that we are come/ to this great stage of fools, a quote from Act 4 Scene 5 of this play also doubles as a good thing to say to your friends. “Well well well, if it isn’t the stage of fools.”

20. New Zealand king shag (bird)

We have no choice but to stan a king with “big pink feet”. The New Zealand King Shag is only found in the Marlborough Sounds, and can be easily identified through their “croaking bursts of low frequency sound” at the crack of dawn, aka the original King’s Speech.

19. King’s Seeds

If you can’t trust the king’s seeds, then who can you trust?

18. King Kong

Scientifically proven to be the biggest gorilla ever, who famously did some pretty controversial renovations on Auckland’s Civic Theatre back in 2005. Best friend of Peter Jackson.

17. Three Kings (islands)

13 uninhabited islands at the tippy top of New Zealand. Some things are better left untouched.

16. Three Kings (suburb)

Actually not that great a suburb! Not sure why it’s on this list.

15. Three Kings (movie)

A war movie directed by angry man David O Russell who is decidedly NOT a king and NOT someone you need to know.

14. Michael King

Historian who wrote The Penguin History of New Zealand. Not to be confused with the starting pitcher for the San Diego Padres.

13. King mattress

Not all kings are created equal, and while a king mattress is obviously better than a queen (the mattress patriarchy strikes again) and definitely better than a king single, it is still third in line to the mattress throne. The Princess Charlotte of box springs and alternating coil.

12. Super king mattress

Like a king, only super. Like Camilla says, God save the Super King.

11. California king mattress

History tells us that in 1776, America celebrated independence from Britain by making a really long mattress. One big bed to rule them all.

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Calum Henderson
— Production editor

10. Big King

Aka Te Tātua-a-Riukiuta, one of Tāmaki Makaurau’s 14 tūpunga maunga. Beloved for having an off-leash dog area and a simply gorgeous mural of the dog from Footrot Flats on the Watercare reservoir.

9. King salmon

A mighty fine fish.

8. The Canterbury King

“Heavy is the head that wears the crown” has never been more true than when it comes to Canterbury’s T20 Super Smash mascot, the Canterbury King. Probably New Zealand’s most top-heavy sporting mascot, this bloke looks like he could topple over at any time, which is exactly what you want from a mascot.

7. Kings Plant Barn

Everything you need.

6. King penguin

The tokoraki king penguin dives over 300 metres below the surface, remains underwater for nine minutes and incubates its eggs with its feet. I’d like to see King Charles try that.

5. King Home Boy

Cuba Street icon and six-time national beatboxing champion, self-described as “born and bred Hurricane with the heart of a Phoenix”. In 2009, he set the world record for the longest non-stop beatboxing effort, with a mammoth 35-hour beatbox session leaving him with “a swollen tongue, mouth ulcers and blisters”. A hero.

4. Return of the King

When will he come back? Watch the movie/read the book to find out.

3. King crab

New Zealand is the king crab capital of the world. All king crabs are cool but Lithodes aotearoa, an absolute beast of a crab with a leg span of 1.3m, is the coolest. It suffered the indignity of repeated misidentification until 2010, when it was identified as its own species.

2. King (mobile games company)

Invented Candy Crush. We bow down to ye.

1. Rat King

Young rats often sleep in close quarters, not unlike the grandparents in Charlie and the Chocolate factory, which can cause their tails to become entangled. When they pull away to escape the tangle, the knots only tighten more. The result over time is a giant jumble of rats known as a rat king, or “roi de rats”. In May 1828, the largest rat king on record was found in Altenburg, Germany. It consisted of 32 rats. Have a nice long weekend.

Keep going!

SocietyJune 2, 2024

What it’s like to release a kiwi into the wild

Esme Stark

Guest writer

Esme Stark spends two days in the hills of Wellington with Capital Kiwi, introducing 12 kiwi to their new home.

Kiwi are returning to Wellington. After years of intensive trapping and the release of 140 kiwi since November 2022 by the Capital Kiwi Project, Wellington’s wild western hills now provide everything our national icon needs to thrive: food, shelter, protection from predation, and mates. This month, two Wellington-hatched chicks reached the “stoat-proof” weight of 1.2kg, and a kiwi wandered through a Broadmeadows backyard.

Kiwis (the people) are rebuilding their relationship with kiwi (the birds) from being one of passive pride, to being active guardians, says Capital Kiwi project’s founder and lead Paul Ward. This reconnection is the result of a remarkable collaboration between iwi, landowners, and the community, which I witnessed over two days with the project. They’re showing what’s possible when tāngata rebuild relationships with the taiao, and how Wellingtonians can cherish our nation’s eponymous manu.

“Our wero, or challenge now is to keep going,” Ward says. He says he wants to have so many kiwi in Wellington’s hills that the council starts getting noise complaints.

Hohaia, a kiwi released in March, in the arms of Jeff Hall, Capital Kiwi Field Services Specialist.

A hush falls as a white van pulls into the Meridian West Wind carpark, bearing a bright yellow sticker that reads “Live Kiwi on Board”. As the 12 wooden crates are removed from the boot, Gemma Wright’s karanga is the first voice the kiwi hear, welcoming them onto the whenua on behalf of Te Āti Awa Taranaki Whānui.

The kiwi were ferried south from Sanctuary Mountain Maungatautari after a tono process between the haukāinga there, Ngaati Korokī Kahukura, and Taranaki Whānui ki te Upoko o te Ika a Maui. Tono is a tikanga process used to request the exchange of something precious. Traditionally used for marriages, adoptions, or when someone dies, it’s now facilitating the exchange of kiwi.

Holden Hohaia, representing Te Āti Awa Taranaki Whānui, leads karakia for the group of Meridian staff and their families, iwi representatives, and Capital Kiwi staff and supporters. This ritual incantation, he explains, binds us into one waka who’ll ferry these manu to their new homes.

Members of Te Āti Awa Taranaki Whānui welcoming kiwi.

Our convoy pulls up above a glassy Cook Strait and we venture down a hill dotted with wind turbines. As more karakia flows, Waiapu releases the first kiwi. She travelled from Maungatautari with the manu and is in training to handle kiwi with the Hem of Remutaka project.

Pete Kirkman, Capital Kiwi Operations Manager, hands a kiwi to Hem of Remutaka conservation volunteer, Waiapu Tangianau.

Jessi Morgan, head of Predator Free New Zealand Trust and a Capital Kiwi Project trustee, lets the next kiwi go. “I didn’t want to, it was snuggling like a baby,” she says. Ultimately though, the project is about setting the kiwi free. By controlling predators at landscape scale, the kiwi can breed naturally, as “we can’t incubate every egg”.

Pete Kirkman handing a kiwi to Jessi Morgan, head of Predator Free New Zealand.

Egg incubation programmes have been a key source of kiwi for the project. That’s why Michelle Bird of Save the Kiwi releases the next kiwi. Her programme at Maungatautari has been so successful the sanctuary is now bursting at the seams. That’s why, in partnership with iwi and hapū, Save the Kiwi have translocated 209 of the 2500 to 3000 kiwi this year to three sites – at Taranaki Mounga, DOC at Tongariro, and Capital Kiwi.

Michelle tells me releasing the kiwi “is the reward” for the people who’ve put in the hours moving traps on cold winter mornings. There’s something special about kiwi, she reckons. “You see it on people’s faces. Before it was this mythical creature, now it’s right in front of them. It’s emotional.”

Michelle Bird, near box, preparing to release a kiwi.

I head back down the hill squeezed into Michael Grace’s car. He’s the director of Terawhiti Station, the 5,000 hectare sheep station in Mākara’s back-country where most of Capital Kiwi’s releases have been so far. He thought Capital Kiwi’s pitch was “awesome” when he heard it six years ago. His biggest concern was whether it was possible.

Turns out the issue wasn’t terrain, but predators – mostly ferrets, stoats and weasels. Now, with hundreds of landowners like Grace allowing Capital Kiwi traps and contractors onto their land, they’ve formed a network of 4,600 traps over 24,000 hectares.

The network covers a mix of regenerating forest, scrubby gullies, and working farms. Ward pulls up a cowpat to show the delights kiwi can find in pastured areas. “It’s showing our productive landscapes can also be places where we’re looking after our taiao and treasured species,” he says.

This is the first release on land managed by Meridian, who’ve committed to doing their own trapping. Hamish Walker, the site manager, released a kiwi earlier today. “They’ve got these giant legs but a fragile soft body. They’re like a silky bantam with giant legs … we’re definitely going to challenge the team to get a picture of any signs of kiwi activity when they’re servicing the turbines, and will come out and have a listen.”

Rawiri Walsh performing a health check, with WCC rangers and Capital Kiwi staff looking on.

We’re sitting back at the Meridian headquarters. Exultant members of the many groups who made this happen are bonding over kai. Holden Hohaia calls over Rawiri Walsh, who he calls “‘the glue”’ between Te Āti Awa Taranaki Whānui and Capital Kiwi. His role title is ‘Kaimanaaki Kiwi’, which he preferred to ‘kaitiaki’ as he doesn’t see his role as ”standing over the birds protecting them” but to “awhi and support”. He’s also the iwi liaison, caring for the iwi and hapū who visit and give birds, as well as the birds themselves.

A few days later, my hair’s being ripped out by low branches as I follow Ash, conversation dog-in-training, and beeps from a kiwi transmitter being picked up by Walsh’s aerial.

We reach a clearing where a male kiwi, released in March, has made a home. He’s named Hohaia in honour of Holden and his whānau. While performing a health check, Walsh tells me, “we’ve named every manu to date and know who named it. It’s another way of reconnection through whakapapa.”

Capital Kiwi Operations Manager Pete Kirkman with Ash, conservation dog-in-training.

Today, Walsh is looking after a rōpū of park rangers from Wellington City Council. With kiwi roaming onto council land, it’s likely they’ll get a call if a bird is hurt by a car or a dog. Hohaia (the kiwi) is handed to a council biodiversity specialist who comments, “this is like the first time I held a baby. He’s the same weight as my son when he was born.”

Kiwi are a lot more hardy and industrious than babies, however. One kiwi in the project area travelled 10km in 10 days. Male kiwi defend burrows against predators when nesting, and with their sharp claws, they can fend off stoats, possums, rats, and mice (check out this epic fight between a kiwi and possum caught on a trail camera). Cameras have also picked up one burrow stocked up with cave wētā. They also live long lives. One kiwi, Anahera, is in her mid-forties at least, living at Otorohanga Kiwi House since 1980 before she was translocated.

The team is happy with Hohaia’s condition. He’s over 2kg and has put on weight since March. At 110mm, his beak is long for a male. Jeff Hall, another conservation specialist, said they perform health checks on birds within a couple of months of release. “Given the stress of translocation, we expect birds will lose some condition, but we’ve been extremely pleasantly surprised because most birds put on significant weight. It shows they’re finding everything they need out here.” Ward chips in. “Sometimes we joked they were nipping to Karori for takeaways they were putting on so much weight.”

Within 12 months of the first translocation, birds were breeding, which kiwi will only do when they know the conditions are right. The first chicks to get through to stoat-proof weight – 1.2kg – did so in four months, rather than the 6 to 8 months the team expected. They’re all ‘really big ticks’ for the project, says Hall.

Later in the day, we find Tamatea, named for the moon phase from when he was caught at Maungatautari. He’s put on 100 grams since March and dug himself a deep burrow into the steep hillside. Pete Kirkman, Capital Kiwi’s Operations Manager, is 6’4” and could only just reach him in there. He tells me kiwi can burrow up to 1.5 metres.

Tamatea sleeps in a park ranger’s arms as Hall swaps out his transmitter. Only 20 of the 140 birds have transmitters at the moment. Kirkman tells me they keep the transmitters on for a year, after which “we have a good idea of survival. We can then follow up with monitoring in less invasive ways, like with surveys and dogs. Every bird released has a microchip, any bird we catch without one was born here.”

Scrambling back down the hill, one of the Wellington park rangers reflects that the challenge now is to empower the public to educate each other about protecting these manu. “Dogs on leads, cats in at night, report any roaming dogs you see” are the kinds of behaviour changes he hopes will come from people knowing these birds are in our backyard.

The cat question is a delicate one. Not all the bird species whose populations have benefitted from predator control in Wellington have the same natural advantages as kiwi (ie weapon-like claws), so everyone’s very careful to emphasise the need for responsible cat ownership.

Ward and Hall say they’ve seen huge shifts in public awareness in Wellington over the last few years. “People are more than willing to be guardians of kiwi and our other manu,” Ward says. “It’s about just enjoying and celebrating that we’re a capital city that’s restored our national icon and taonga to its hills.”

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