I can’t stand drama – and they seem to create it wherever they go.
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Help me Hera,
I have a friend who I have over the years begun to find exhausting. I like them as a person; we have a lot of the same hobbies, and I enjoy the occasional coffee with them one-on-one. But they always seem to be in the middle of drama in friend groups, and it’s exhausting. I’m not a drama person, and I don’t like being asked to pick sides on issues I think are ridiculous – some of this stuff made me step back from group events as a whole.
They have recently asked to join me in a fairly small niche hobby group which I love, and I’m really worried that this will turn into another drama scenario. I love this group and the people I’ve met through it, and I am enjoying meeting people. I don’t want it to become a thing we do together (which is really selfish), and I absolutely do not want to be caught up in a group meltdown.
How do I say no? Should I say no? Especially when I’m getting the sense that they are lonely and looking for people to do things with. Is there a way to distance myself a little from this person without posting a long essay of all the ways I find their interactions in group dynamics really difficult? Do I just give in and live under a rock until this passes?
Yours sincerely,
Person desperately looking for a non-confrontational exit button
Dear Exit Button,
How to get precisely what you want without having to ask for it is usually an exercise in futility. But I can appreciate your dilemma.
It’s one thing to steel yourself to have a painfully honest conversation with a close friend. But trying to have a painfully honest conversation with a friend who is a recreational emotional terrorist, with the unique ability to turn any social circle or casual knitting group into a low-budget soap opera, is pointless.
There are some people it’s just not worth being honest with. Someone who is uniquely sensitive to perceived slights, has a limited capacity for self-reflection and a habit of antagonising others is high up the list. Sitting this person down and patiently enumerating the reasons you’re wary of including them in group dynamics is like walking into a lion pit wearing a steak bikini.
How much do you really like this friend? Do you genuinely enjoy spending time together, or is this one of these elaborate hostage situations, where you’re willing to periodically see them for coffee because it’s easier and less awkward than cutting them off entirely? I can’t help wondering if this friendship may have run its course.
Maybe this friend really is great one-on-one, and for whatever reason, being in a group of people causes them to spiral. But whatever their specific pathology, you should not let them anywhere near your beloved hobby group!
I really do not want this for you. It sounds like you’ve already had to let some friendships go because of this person’s behaviour. No wonder you’re wary of letting them anywhere near your beloved hobby group.
I’m sure your friend is lonely. But it sounds like a self-perpetuating loneliness of their own invention. Maybe they really do need someone to sit them down and give them some honest feedback. But this kind of task is a thankless job and has the potential to backfire spectacularly.
The last thing you want is to introduce this friend to your hobby group and have the group implode, or split into warring factions. It sounds like this has been a beautiful respite for you, and a great way to meet other people. Even though your friend’s behaviour is not your responsibility, when you introduce a new person to a group, you end up getting lumped in with them, for better or worse.
I don’t know if it’s possible to remain friends with this person and keep them hermetically sealed from the rest of your life. If your friend keeps pushing the issue, you might have to eventually decide whether this hobby group or your friend is more important to you. Personally, I know which one I’d choose.
If I were in your shoes and was determined to keep this friend and hobby group separate, I would first try the craven and conflict-avoidant approach. Stop mentioning the group, go temporarily underground, fake your own death, etc. Be conveniently unavailable for a period, in the hope they’ll forget about it and stop asking. Yes, this is the coward’s way, and unlikely to work, but you could always give it a try, in the futile hope they never raise the subject again.
If they do keep asking, the next best strategy is to say no without bringing their heinous personality into the spotlight. Even if they were a beloved and cherished friend, and you weren’t terrified they would singlehandedly cause your social group to implode through sheer force of personality disorder, it would still be OK to say no. It’s fine to want some areas of your life to yourself. A good friend would understand a polite refusal, even if they were a little hurt by it.
If they continue to ask, you can say something along the lines of “I’d prefer to keep this as my own thing” or “I like having a space that’s just my own.” And then refuse to be drawn into a negotiation on the subject.
Will this work? Who knows. But framing your refusal as a personal preference, keeping your response explicit and to the point, and trying not to seem overly apologetic is probably the politest and most effective way of refusing. You have to be able to deliver this refusal with confidence and authority, because if they sense your nervousness or guilt, they’ll try to wheedle their way into getting you to back down.
This may cause them to freak out and turn on you. But ultimately that’s their problem. At this point, you can either try and have a brutally honest conversation, or bow out of the friendship.
If you do genuinely like this friend and want to keep them in your life, that’s up to you. But you need to develop strong boundaries with someone like this; otherwise they’ll walk all over you.
If they can’t take a hint or a polite refusal, then perhaps it’s a sign to let the friendship die a natural death.
