Tara Ward ranks the working robots of Aotearoa from least to most terrifying. 

All week on The Spinoff we are delving into our relationship with the world of work in Aotearoa. For more Work Week stories, click here.

In news that will make your emotional hard drive melt down completely, robots are coming for our jobs. Apparently there’s no need to freak out, but it seems digital human robots will become the workplace norm in the next decade. They’re already solving staffing shortages and changing the way we shop, while also making our lives better, freeing us to do other tasks, or take on work that’s repetitive or high risk. Robots could be the ideal colleagues, given they rarely complain and probably won’t eat your carefully labelled lunch in the communal staff fridge.

On the other hand, robots have also been known to go rogue at work and kill people, while others report being traumatised by their Roomba. Until the day comes when we’re all chased through the staff room by a gaggle of Daleks, we thought we’d put these futuristic fiends in their place the best we know how: by ranking them in order of least to most terrifying. Sadly, a robot did not write with this list so it is filled with faults, and no further communication will be entered into.

10. Paro 

This might look like a soft toy, but Guinness World Records ruled Paro to be the most therapeutic robot in the world. Designed to reduce stress and improve motivation in patients, Paro knows when he’s being stroked and held, and can recognise words, voices and praise. Paro has already had a meaningful impact in a New Zealand rest home, and if that doesn’t fill your cyborg heart, imagine how you’d feel having a nice little cuddle with this soft baby seal. See? Things are looking up already.

9. Robot cow milker 

There’s nothing glamorous about this robot, but not all heroes wear capes. Greg and Amy Gemmell’s dairy farm in the Manawatu has three Lely Astronaut 4 robots, which milk the cows whenever the cows feel like it, up to three times during the day or night. The milking shed also has a handy little robot back scratcher for the cows. Total mooood.

8. Bella (Cobb & Co)

One minute you think Cobb & Co couldn’t get more exciting, the next a bloody robot is delivering your traffic light cocktail. Not only does BellaBot give out food and drink (she’s one of a variety of restaurant robots scattered around the country), but she also sings happy birthday and lets you scratch her little robot ears. Almost as good as a hot bowl of Cobb Crunchies.

7. Oscar (Air New Zealand)

Nothing makes people laugh like trying to get through to Air New Zealand at the moment, and Oscar the Chatbot has read the room well. He’s here for the banter and the bookings, and while he might not have a mouth or body, he does have his own captain’s hat. The sooner they get this little whippersnapper handing out the lollies on the planes, the better.

6. Ella (New Zealand Police)

Ella (Electronic Life Like Assistant) popped up in the Police National Headquarters in 2020 to greet visitors and help with directions. Police did not confirm if Ella would also remind people to always blow on the pie, thus robbing this fine upstanding humanoid of a much higher spot in this ranking.

5. Alan (Squirrel)

“My main purpose in life is to help people figure out how much they can borrow. And make people chuckle,” Alan the Squirrel chatbot says, because nothing makes people cackle more than the state of the housing market. Alan isn’t just your regular mortgage-savvy chatbot. He also has several social media accounts (including Tinder, apparently), is fuelled by “coffee and pies” and promises to tell you a joke if you’re having a rough day.

4. Dru (Domino’s)

Dominos promised big things in 2016 with Dru, a futuristic pizza delivery robot designed to keep the drinks cold and the pizzas hot. But in news more shocking than a Bill English spaghetti special, it appears Dru is nothing more than a cheese dream. Seven years later, we’re still yet to see anything on the footpath other than a boring human, even though Dominos says they’re confident Dru will join the corporate family “one day soon”.

3. Pepper (Christchurch Airport)

Christchurch Airport’s love of robots was out of control in 2021, when it introduced two sets of twin robots to the terminals. One set of robots directed passengers to MIQ, while the other set danced with passengers. One can only assume they danced… the robot.

2. Kai (Countdown)

Kai is a six foot tall, fully automated store scanning machine who spent 2020 hooning down the aisles of a Rototuna Countdown, looking for empty shelves and floor hazards. It might save hours of work for the human staff, but Kai seems like the loneliest robot in New Zealand. All it does is go up and down, back and forth, looking for the dark, endless voids in life. Sad!

1. Spot

Spot the Robotic Farm Dog was unleashed on a Gisborne farm in 2020, and put the shits right up the sheep for a solid 90 minutes before its battery ran out. Spot looks like it could go rogue and create some terrifying War of the Worlds mayhem – it’s probably only a matter of time until we see Spot causing absolute scenes on an upcoming episode of Country Calendar.