I have wondered if they’re having a hard time and just can’t right now, which would be fine, except this has been going on for years, and they’ve never said anything. I’d actually be cool with it if they said, “Hey, we’d love to reciprocate, but we can’t because we’re not coping right now/your child is a menace/my dog would never cope/I actually hate children” or whatever. It’s just the constant dropping this kid over with zero acknowledgement of this weird one-wayness. I mean, I’d really quite like a child-free afternoon, like they’re getting some time too.

My child has started asking why she never gets invited over to their house and wants me to ask them if she can go over. For some reason, this makes me squirm. How do I say “Are you EVER going to freaking have my child over to your place”, without saying, “are you EVER going to freaking have my child over to your place?”

Yours, Perpetual Host

Dear Perpetual Host,

I try not to answer any parenting questions if I can help it, because nobody sane wants parenting advice from somebody with no children, but I broke my rule just this once, because your question was interesting, and this ultimately seems less like a parenting question and more like a “how do I ask an awkward question” question. Besides, I’m sure the commenters will have some relevant parental insights.

I often wonder about the thematic distribution of advice column problems, and which questions crop up most in different countries. Maybe all advice columns are heavy on the “how do I communicate something without actually having to say it out loud” front, but I suspect New Zealand is leading the pack.

Our passive-aggressive, subtle, court-intrigue, borderline chickenshit method of communication probably drives other cultures crazy, and the world might be a better place if we simply expressed what we were feeling, openly and without reservation, but if you ask me, there’s something to be said for being slightly emotionally repressed and conflict-averse. It’s better, at least, than having the audacity to go around cheerfully asking for things other people don’t want to give you.

Like you, I am a product of the culture I was raised in, and vastly prefer my “take this minor personal grievance to the grave rather than risk making anyone else even slightly uncomfortable,” culture to the “may I borrow your priceless heirloom sewing machine?” cultures.  Sure, this occasionally leads to festering resentments and tragic misunderstandings, but I also think the “ask culture” people can be delusional about their ability to graciously take no for an answer. Nobody actually wants to hear “I do not want to endorse your terrible novel” or “I do not trust you to responsibly wield a chainsaw.”

However. There are times when subtlety and hints don’t work. Sometimes, although I hate to admit it, a little direct communication is necessary.

From a cursory glance at relevant parenting message boards, it seems like your problem is a common one. Of course, you would also like an afternoon off! I want an afternoon off for you. As you say, there are plenty of valid reasons why someone may not be in a position to reciprocate these playdates. You never know what someone’s home situation is like. It sounds like you’re a kind person who would never begrudge the other parents, if you had a better understanding of why they never return the favour. You’d just like a little acknowledgement of the situation, so you don’t feel completely taken advantage of.

At this stage, you’re never going to get that understanding without raising the subject yourself.

It’s possible this family is being a little lazy and capitalising on your generosity. But it’s also possible that there are extenuating circumstances that the other parent/parents might feel ashamed to admit to. I’d recommend keeping your question simple and open-ended. Don’t make a four-course degustation banquet out of an ordinary request, or get all nervous and apologetic.

In my unqualified opinion, the kindest and most normal thing to do is to say something like “my kid said they’d love to visit your house this holidays. Is that possible?” or something similar. It’s a totally ordinary question to ask, and if you treat it with the cheerful flippancy it deserves, hopefully the family won’t feel cornered or embarrassed. If you wanted to be torturously polite, you could pick a specific weekend frame it as a favour, but it’s not up to you to pre-empt all potential awkwardness.

If they can’t have your kid over, I’m sure you’ll accept their refusal graciously. There might be a really good reason for their lack of reciprocity, and it might not be something they’re comfortable sharing with you.

The situation might get easier when your kid gets older, and their friend starts taking the initiative to issue invitations of their own, rather than leaving it up to their parents.

It’s not fair that you should be responsible for all of the supervising, but as parents love to say, life isn’t really about what’s fair. It sounds like you are an awesome parent who is doing your best to ensure your kid has a happy childhood and a great social life. Having a house that other kids want to come to means you’re doing a great job, even if it is occasionally a thankless and exhausting one.

That doesn’t mean you should never get a break. If the other kid’s parents are always dropping them off in a Tesla (ie they’re rich) and both families can afford it, you could suggest sending them off to a holiday program or some other activity that means they get to hang out without you having to actively supervise. It’s also fine to say no from time to time if your house feels like a constantly revolving door.

There are probably lots of parenting nuances I’ve missed, so I’ll throw it open to the commenters, who might have some pearls of wisdom or concrete advice to share.