Drones, doping allegations, dirty water and much, much more.

At its heart, the Olympics is about celebrating international sporting excellence, in the spirit of friendship, solidarity and unity. It’s about building a more peaceful and connected world through organised sports! But it’s also about scandals, brazen acts of cheating, and a lot of very geopolitically tense athletic showdowns. We’re into the second week of the 2024 Olympics, and already the sparks are flying. Here are some of the biggest scandals rocking the Olympics this year. 

There’s something in the water

Swimming got off to a turbulent start at the Olympics. First, there were complaints about the pool being too shallow, allegedly slowing swimmers down. Then there were concerns about the water quality of the Seine and the quantity of faecal matter contained therein, with several triathletes (including NZ silver medalist Hayden Wilde) subsequently falling ill. 

But no Olympics is complete without a good doping controversy, particularly in the athletics and swimming departments, where the margins separating athletes are impossibly slim. When Chinese swimmer Pan Zhanle won the 100m freestyle gold, breaking his own record by half a second, it raised the eyebrows of former Olympian and current Australian Brett Hawke, who expressed scepticism about the legitimacy of Zhanle’s win, claiming it “wasn’t humanly possible”. 

The controversy followed an incident earlier in the year when it was revealed that a group of Chinese swimmers had tested positive for TMZ, a banned heart medication with performance-enhancing effects. The athletes were acquitted by Chinese anti-doping investigators who claimed the results were an aberration, blaming contaminated Australian hamburgers, which is funny. Some of the swimmers implicated in the scandal are competing in this year’s Olympic games.

While I wouldn’t put it past any national sporting body to pharmaceutically bend the rules if they thought they could get away with it, there’s an element of xenophobia and hypocrisy here, with swimming prodigies like Katie Ledecky being lauded for her ability to effortlessly dominate the competition, while Zhanle, also an extraordinary athlete, has been treated with suspicion and disdain, despite having been subjected to extensive drug testing prior to competition. Zhanle has complained about his treatment, accusing rivals of “looking down” on him and even deliberately splashing his coach. 

Doping is a complicated subject, and I won’t pretend to understand the medical complexities. Maybe nobody is doping. Maybe everyone is doping. Maybe “doping” is an arbitrary and medically nebulous concept which becomes harder and harder to police as our collective pharmaceutical prowess grows ever more sophisticated. Perhaps the best thing to do is simply hold two Olympic games. A normal one, in which everyone follows the rules. And the Party Olympics, where anyone can take as many performance-enhancing drugs as they like without giving themselves heart failure. I know which one I’d tune in for. 

Fencing fixing fallout

It’s difficult to enjoy fencing as an amateur spectator because the athletes are too damn fast. It’s like watching someone threading a needle on a galloping horse at midnight. Unfortunately, it’s not just confusing for the spectator. It’s such a fast-paced sport that even the most eagle-eyed referees make mistakes, and when it comes to scoring, some human error is inevitable. While there is VAR, athletes only have a limited number of opportunities per match to appeal decisions. 

The world of fencing was rocked by scandal earlier this year, after an anonymous YouTuber purporting to be a former Olympic sabre competitor came forward with allegations of match-fixing, accusing a number of referees of deliberately conspiring to manipulate the results of fencing tournaments in order to benefit their favourites. While these allegations are hardly new, they caused a massive upset within the fencing community, with several top fencers retiring from the sport in protest. 

While this isn’t exactly an Olympic scandal, as it technically didn’t happen at the Olympics, the allegations have left the sport under a black cloud.  

Grudge matches on the ‘gram

After the US gymnastics squad won the gold medal for the women’s all-around team competition, Simone Biles posted a triumphant photo on Instagram of the winning squad, with the now famous caption: “lack of talent, lazy, Olympic champions.” 

The comment was a clear reference to comments made by former US Olympic gymnast MyKayla Skinner, who had previously criticised the US gymnastics team in a now-deleted video, saying, among other things, “I feel like the talent and the depth just isn’t like what it used to be.” This isn’t the first time Skinner’s petulant social media posts have landed her in trouble, and although Skinner has since apologised for her comments, Biles’s iconic Instagram caption is proof she hasn’t been forgiven. 

Skinner didn’t acknowledge Biles’s post but has since blocked Biles on social media. Biles posted a tweet saying “oops I’ve been blocked”. Eyes emoji. Hand over mouth emoji. Crying laughing emoji.  

Judo meltdown

OK so I don’t know much about judo. But my shallow, one-week acquaintance with the sport has taught me that these athletes care a LOT about etiquette and respect, both for their opponent and for the noble art of judo. Which makes any display of temper and bad sportsmanship much more shocking than, say, someone flinging their racquet after a frustrating game of tennis. 

Guram Tushishvili of Georgia was disqualified from the 2024 Olympics and bronze medal contention after his behaviour in the men’s +100kg judo quarter-final. Tushishvili appears to have lost his temper with his opponent, French athlete and judo legend Teddy Riner, after Riner claimed a victory. Tushishvili first kicked him in the crotch and then pushed Riner’s head into the ground, before finally receiving a red card and disqualification. Maybe there should be an Olympic version of the Razzies for sore losers?

Soccer snooping 

For years Canada has been fraudulently coasting by on their international “nice guy” reputation. But after their shocking behaviour at the 2024 Olympics, the friendship between New Zealand and its commonwealth sister may never be the same again. The Canadian football team was deducted six points, fined $313,000 and three of its head coaches were sent home in disgrace after spying on the NZ Football Ferns’s tactics, by flying a drone over their Olympic training sessions. The situation is further complicated by the fact that one of the coaches sent home, Bev Priestman, is married to former Football Fern Emma Humphries. Sadly the New Zealand team didn’t win a medal, but the good news is, those no-good, lousy, scheming, cheating Canadians didn’t either. If anyone needs me, I’ll be busy throwing out all my maple syrup and burning my Justin Bieber posters. 

Horrid horse people 

Olympic dressage has once again failed to beat “being mean to horses” allegations following top British athlete and three-time gold-medal winner Charlotte Dujardin pulling out of the Olympics after video surfaced of her whipping a horse over 20 times. Dujardin has since apologised for her behaviour, but the whole incident is yet another nail in the coffin for those who believe that equestrian sports are just a prestigious form of animal cruelty and that horses should be cut from the Olympic programme altogether. 

Hateful losers on the internet

Possibly the biggest scandal at the Olympics has been the shameful treatment of Algerian boxer Imane Khelif, who had her Olympic career unexpectedly derailed by some of the world’s biggest haters and losers. 

Imane Khelif, a cisgender woman from Algeria, a country in which it’s illegal to transition, has become a scapegoat for transphobic activists after there were unconfirmed allegations that the fighter had higher than usual levels of testosterone. I won’t go into the medical particulars, which have been covered extensively elsewhere. But the TDLR is, despite complying with international sporting regulations, Khelif has spent her short Olympic career having to defend herself against irate transvestigators, such as JK Rowling, Donald Trump and… Winston Peters. 

The biggest scandal here is the shameless behaviour of Khelif’s competitors, particularly Italian boxer Angela Carini, who dropped out of her match with Khelif after 46 seconds, tearfully claiming she had “never been hit so hard”, a claim which is hard to sympathise with, considering she was at the Olympics for boxing. Another boxing competitor, Hungarian Luca Anna Hamori, added fuel to the trash fire, posting an inflammatory picture of a dainty woman in a boxing ring facing what appeared to be a minotaur ahead of her fight with Khelif. Khelif beat Hamori by unaaaaaaaanimous decision and has earned herself, at minimum, a bronze medal. 

Carini has since apologised for her comments and for not shaking Khelif’s hand after their match, but it’s too little too late for the Algerian fighter, who has inadvertently become the target of some of the most stupid and hateful people on the internet. The good grace and sportsmanship that Kheilf has shown has won her a new generation of fans, who will be tuning in on Wednesday morning to see Khelif compete for the gold medal.

And a convicted sex offender

You’d think that every media organisation in the world simultaneously printing your photo with the caption “child rapist” would be enough to dissuade anyone from competing at the world’s most prestigious sporting event. But not so for Dutch athlete Steven van de Velde. 

Van de Velde has just left the Olympics, after the Dutch beach volleyball team lost to Brazil, and good riddance. Van de Velde was convicted of raping a 12-year-old British girl in 2016. He was booed loudly by crowds every time he touched the ball, and has since left the Olympics with no medals.

That’s about it for the Olympic scandals of 2024. At least, the ones that I’ve heard of. But with another five days left to go, there’s still time to squeeze a little more drama from the programme.