Summer reissue: Alex Casey delivers her last power rankings for The Bachelorette NZ, where Lily and Lesina make their final decisions. Click here for previous instalments.
Well me homies, we have reached the end of our journey together. At times it was slow, like a food tech teacher dragging his brogues through the black sands of Piha Beach. Other times it was fast, like a creative genius in Wanaka spilling milk and inventing drop crotch pants in an instant. Whatever The Bachelorette NZ was, I’m very sad to see the end of it.
For a season that had so many twists, who could have ever anticipated that the final rose would end in the middle of a global pandemic with the whole country in lockdown? Or that one of the contestants would have been tested for the virus? Or that Lesina would be on her insta-story in a mask, gown and scrubs, ready to battle Covid-19? Too! Much! To! Process!
At least we still have each other. Let us take one more deep grasp of air and a hearty swig from the talking bottle – it’s time for the final rankings. Spoilers ahead obviously, Peter Pan.
WINNER WINNER KFC DINNER: NOBODY????
That’s right folks, Lesina pulled a big old Honey Badger on us all and decided to come out of the competition with nobody. At least she had the grace to end it before the final rose ceremony, which also led to the most tragic shot in all of television history – Aaron walking away from her on Piha beach to clearly nowhere, his brogues clearly filling up rapidly with sand.
Tbh, it seemed like things were doomed for Aaron the moment he said he wished he had Caribbean heritage because “I’d probably be a better dancer.” Lesina’s mum, who might be the number one mum in the rankings of all the cool mums (alongside Lily’s mum), did not let the comment go unchecked. “Bit of a stereotype,” she said. “but I’ll let it pass, because I am a great dancer.”
After grilling Aaron for what felt like an hour, including asking him what the square root of 361 is, Lesina’s mum refused to even let the producers know what she thought of him. A mysterious icon, a walls-up wonder, a very clear blood relative of Lesina the question assassin. The Riddler could absolutely, positively, never riddle this hard.
Aaron and Lesina had one more night together after a romantic date with some sticky old glow worms, but it was clear in Lesina’s frequently crying eyes that she had made up her mind.
Also, this giant butthole omen looming over AMOG didn’t help matters much either.
As for poor Logan, he nailed the interview with the parents and even brought them a bottle of fancy champagne, which I’m sure will look good in their cellar of the finest vintage Grapetiser. He told them that he had a tattoo for every lesson he has learned in his life, and proudly showed off his ROCK and ROLL knuckle tattoos – a crazy fun thing to do for sure.
On their final date they went paddle boarding before settling into a lovely meal of oysters and another round of maths.
I guess rock and roll university didn’t have a maths course, because Logan came away from the night alone. She broke it off with him, he thanked her, and they went their separate ways forever. Brb just gonna blast ‘She Might Be The Girl’ all night long and cry into a big chunk of gouda.
Jesse and Lily got a chopper over to Waiheke to enjoy the finest wine that tasted just like “grandma’s apple pie” and Jesse was brave enough to put all of his feelings on the line. Sadly, it wasn’t to be. A shame, because I would have watched a sitcom that was just him putting his foot in it in front of Lily’s mum for hours and hours and hours.
“It’s not about you,” said Lily as I cracked open another bottle of red and cried into my knitting, “it’s about us. And my heart is telling me it’s not us.” Lily sobbed in Art’s lap and I wiped my eyes on my cat, and it finally became clear why the proud sponsor of this show is called boohoo.
WINNER WINNER KFC DINNER: RICHIE
Here’s another maths problem for you: if Lily’s love equals height over hug, then what percentage of obvious was it that he was the winner when Lily greeted Richie by jumping on him from atop this mighty park bench?
Richie managed to not drop his crotch during the hometown visit, where The Mol (the only Bachelor mole I recognise) grilled him about having dated Lesina early on in the competition. He also did that annoying thing where you equate enjoying tidying up with having OCD, but otherwise escaped unscathed.
Their final date was filled with sexy surfing, frankly hundreds of candles, and the last opportunity to ask the hard questions. “Have you ever been in love before?” asked Lily. “Just with my sewing machine and my creative side,” replied Richie, not even joking a little bit.
Well, his beloved Brother™ will have to move over to make room in Richie’s bubble, because Lily told him he is the one she wants to have breakfast with. He pulled out a “yeah, nah, I like you” ring and they kissed atop an almighty hill.
There was no final rose, but there never is. And with that, the first chapter of The Bachelorette NZ came to a close. That is, until the Men Tell All tomorrow night… stay tuned me homies.
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