When you have to choose between your bro or a quarter million bucks.

Survivor NZ, week twelve: One checkout, one blindside

The final tribal council is inching closer and closer with just a few weeks left in the game, and the twists, turns and blindsides just keep on coming.

This week we watched as our remaining castaways embraced capitalism, smashed some perfectly good crockery, and betrayed longtime alliances. There’s drama up the wazoo, so let’s get into it.

The Ultimate Betrayal

We were shocked this week as some of the strongest alliances in the game – and outside the game – were put to the ultimate test. Tears were shed, lines were crossed, and blood was spilled (not literally). It’s textbook reality tv – and as the ancient proverb goes: “I didn’t come here to make friends, I came here to win”.

When you didn’t come here to make friends, because you came here to win.

Adam and Tess have been a force to reckon with in this game. If Adam is the Regina George of Survivor NZ, then Tess is undoubtedly his Gretchen Weiners. The two have been unstoppable since they formed a bond in the first Khang Khaw tribe, and it wasn’t much of a secret that when they voted, they voted together. Still, it seems that Tess has spent much of the game riding Adam’s coattails, as he did most of the social legwork, and now this is coming back to haunt her.

After initially lambasting Matt and Tara for ‘instructing’ him who to vote out next, Adam eventually got on board, and joined the plan to vote out Tess. It’s a sad turn of events for our dynamic duo. Even sadder was the moment Tess realised the entire tribe had gone to talk about her – but more on that in a second.

I mean, fair point.

Adam wept as he placed his vote for Tess, but honestly the best part is that the “vote out Tess” plan was already dead, so once again, Adam has some explaining to do back at camp next week.

This is gonna get real awkward…

The other big betrayal this week, of course, was Dave turning against his high school buddy Matt. After Lisa let slip to Dave that Matt had found an idol, Dave was upset that Matt hadn’t told him about it. The trust had been broken, and although Dave confronted Matt vaguely about “honesty”, Matt still didn’t see how deeply he had cut Dave.

Without even realising quite how deep Dave and Matt’s bond was, Lisa realised that she could take advantage of scorned-ex Dave’s distrust of Matt to execute her plan. Dave was pretty mad at Matt, but this didn’t stop the tears from flowing.

Look, if you want to play Survivor, you better be damn ready to betray even the most important people in your life. This is not Matt Chisholm’s Best Friend Race.

Tess’s New Alliance

Tess realised her time on Survivor might be coming to and end – probably tipped off by the fact that her entire tribe had gone off to talk without her. That’s when Tess absolutely snapped.

A lizard!

That’s right, Tess joined an alliance with a Lizard named Buster. Like some kind of Survivor Eliza Thornberry, Tess was having full on strat chats with this cold blooded reptile, as she proclaimed that it was her only alliance left on the island.

Even the wildlife is suspicious of Tess.

Survivor Auction

When you have to pretend you like the gift that dad got you.

I couldn’t talk about this week’s episode and not mention the Survivor Auction. This is one of my favourite Survivor games, and this week’s auction delivered. It had everything: Tara eating spag bol, Dave moaning about getting an advantage instead of food, and Lisa not fucking around for even a millisecond.

Lisa has bloody had it with Matt’s games.

Best of all was the absolute feeding frenzy when Matt told Tess that her newly purchased chocolate cake had to be eaten by the whole tribe in 60 seconds. It’s wild to see a group of probably quite reasonable people literally pounce on a chocolate cake like a pack of hyenas.

Hyena (noun): Noted as scavengers but most are also effective hunters.

Strat Chat

While Matt thought he was running the show this week with the Tess vote, he didn’t realise that Lisa was running one of the best covert operations we’ve seen on Survivor NZ.

The craziest thing is that it shouldn’t have worked! Dave even warned Matt that he should play his idol, but Lisa managed to lull Matt into a false sense of security, leaving him vulnerable when Lisa took her shot.

Tribal Council

There was a sad moment in Tribal this week, when Tess had absolutely given up, and when asked by Chissy if she wanted to make her case, she just kind of joked that they shouldn’t vote for her. Survivor is a mentally and emotionally gruelling game, and it’s always sad to see someone check out like that.

Matt was in pretty good spirits when he was voted out. It was a perfect blindside, and he couldn’t help but respect the play.

Blindside Rating: 10/10

This week’s elimination was Lisa’s magnum opus. Getting rid of Matt was never going to be easy, especially with the idol in his pocket, but Lisa was driven to make her move, and she let nothing get in her way. This huge move will give Lisa a huge amount of credibility if she can stick it out to the end of the game.

Chisholm-ism of the week

“How keen are ya to wrap your laughing gear around that lot?”. I will die happy if I never ever again hear someone describe eating as “wrapping your laughing gear around” something.

A true face of Chisholm madness.

Survivor NZ Quick Stats

2 – Guys voted out with an idol in their pocket this season.
0 – Chickens killed for meat – could Cha and Ni beat the odds and outchook, outplay, outlast our survivors?
60 – The number of seconds in which you can lose all dignity when chocolate cake is involved.


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