Alex Casey goes for a stroll on the foot-shaped sands of Heartbreak Island, week one.
Look, if you had told me in high school that all the beautiful, popular people would someday end up swimming around in a kiddie pool full of milk on a man-made island shaped like a human foot, I would have laughed in your face and returned to sketching Lost-era Ian Somerhalder in the back of my diary. Alas, here we are. It’s 2018 and Heartbreak Island exists whether you like it or not – part Survivor, part Keeping Up With Champagne Lady, a huge chunk Love Island with a dash of Wipeout for good measure.
While wrestling with the morals of the show like Harry getting himself into a pair of skinny jeans (ranking?? who would ever RANK human BEINGS??), I’ve watched all three episodes of Heartbreak Island. Just when you think you’ve got a handle on the concept, ‘Tootles and Mark pop up on a beach, jetty or floating bar, holding an iPad and shouting that it’s time for PASSION PLAY, a BALLBREAKER CHALLENGE or, best of all, time to spin a sexy sundial that has grave consequences if you are either a curvaceous lady silhouette or a (potentially wanking?) man shape.
Hand on heart, this hot bod dial is the funniest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. I want it in every room of my house. I want it instead of a clock. I want it instead of a dinner plate. I want it instead of a face. While I wait for that exciting Etsy order to arrive, let us dive face first into the blackened water of couple power rankings and see what big fake diamonds we can dredge up with our mouths. Shocked emoji. Peach emoji. Shattered glass sound effect.
1) Stacy and Shayna
“I’ve adored you since day one,” Stacy said to Shayna, in maybe the only genuinely feel-good moment so far. In the New Zealand reality universe, Shayna would be akin to Molly (The Bachelor S3). Not only is she a blonde who is fond of the old toddler top knot, she also seems like a fun and normal person which could prove to be an extremely valuable trait on Big Foot Island. On day one she found her footmate in Stacy, a nice dude with tattoos, stretchers and a mild manner.
Honestly, props to these two for finding love in a hopeless place – and also winning the slingshot challenge that was 100% ripped from Survivor NZ and then drowned in milk to make it seem different. I wish them nothing but the best and hope they never have to face the raunchy dial of doom. Also: couple name Stayna? Just workshopping here. Early days. Also: thank you Stacy for breaking the fourth wall and looking right into the very essence of my being.
2) Kristian and Ruby
We have ourselves a true power couple in Kristian and Ruby, who were both the most-preferred hotties on the island. And, as is written on the cave walls, the two biggest babes musteth get togethereth. Ruby is a sweetheart and a dental hygienist so, solid set of gnashers there if you are playing the long game. Her ideal guy needs to like a laugh but also have a serious side, to take care of himself but not be too cocky about looks, to enjoy partying but still be down to Earth, to be your average teenager by day and a famous recording artist by night. Is that so much to ask????
Filling that near-impossible brief is Kristian, a Jordan Peterson fan and “a lover, not a fighter” who would not look out of place dressed up as Patrick Bateman for Halloween and also every other day. The elusive entrepreneur swore he would “claw back” Ruby when she was initially coupled up with Izaak, which is pretty chilled out dating language if you ask me! They’ve both acknowledged that they are “vibing” and Ruby confessed she’d find it “guttering” if Kristian strayed. Besides, he can’t leave her now – she’s already pregnant with hundreds of his tadpole spawn??!!!
3) Tavita and Gennady
Okay. Real talk. I met Gennady in real life and she was extremely beautiful and lovely and that whole “catfish” debacle really hurt my stomach and heart. To nasty Joshua and Harry in episode one I say this: bet you rue the day you stabbed a catfish in the ba-aack.
Both Gen and Tavita have been given a tough deal through no fault of their own on Heartbreak Island. At the ripe old age of 28, many of the contestants consider Tavita an ancient mariner, even after he popped on a youth disguise in the form of some glasses and a fun shirt.
Tavita’s fatal flaw was that he chose photos that were “too muscly”, which I guess is a demon we all have to face eventually. I guess it’s also pretty bad that he kissed Tiffany on the patio while coupled up with Gen, but I am confident that won’t lead to any drama in the future at all.
4) Weiting and Joshua
Weiting has been on 30-50 dates in the last year, and did not come to Heartbreak Island to waste time. “I’m booty, beauty and brains,” boasted the professional harpist, who is well-worth an insta follow for all the delicious food she eats. Episode three left her paired with Joshua, an importer/exporter who “likes a nice bum” aka imports the finest prime New Zealand rump in the land. First paired with Gen, he spoke of the “catfish” chapter like a veteran reliving the horrors of war.
Truly though, give the man a purple heart for suffering through the traumatic realisation that some people look slightly better from a high angle with good lighting. A true national hero.
Also, eggs much? Yes. Eggs very much.
PS: love how a post-blindsided Weiting put her glasses on. Stay woke to blindsides, stay 20/20.
5) Kelsey and Julius
All I know about these two is that Kelsey is a flight attendant and Julius has “got a lot of cookies in the cookie jar.” Stay tuned.
6) Tiffany and Josh
Josh was going extremely hard from night one, ensuring he boasted about his best attribute – the fact that he already owns a house and would use the prize money to buy ANOTHER house. My biggest asset is my unrelenting adult acne and 1 x full Mad Mex loyalty card. Very similar! The home-owner found himself extremely charmed by Tiffany’s eyes, but sort of botched it with what we can all agree is a certified flirting FAIL. “You’ve got killer eyes,” he said. “Colour eyes?” said Tiff.
Meanwhile, Tiffany is secretly actually a killer macking on Tavita on the patio. Again, am sure that slip up won’t feature again.
7) Harry and Georgia
He was an emu, she was a human, can I make it any more obvious? Hectic Harry is seven feet tall, has been single for four years, and might have secured himself four more after dabbing down the jetty and referring to the cohort as “naughty little possums”. He can’t peel a banana, he loves a “sippy la la” and is a self-described liability.
For now, his lucky gal is Georgia, a photography enthusiast who has learned to find her own happiness after being heartbroken at 16. She seems incredibly earnest in her pursuit of love, Harry seems incredibly interested in her “booty”. I give it two days before the rhino of reality comes pounding down the door.
ELIMINATED: Izaak and Ella
Pour one out for Izaak, who began the week with the gal of his dreams and ended up like the rest of us idiots – hungover as fuck and wearing an extremely loud tie.
The pilot/event manager (normal combo) botched his chances at love when he drank 400 white Russians on a floating bar called Cloud 9 and ended up spewing straight into the ocean while Ruby was charmed by Kristian. This was the most relatable thing I’ve seen on Heartbreak Island so far:
So it was off the jetty he walked alongside Ella, who was also dealt a bad hand from the beginning. “How are you even supposed to get to know each other online anyway,” she reflected back on her ill-fated Tinder profile. Too right. Online dating is shallow and contrived, real relationship building is spinning a hottie dial on the beach to choose your new partner, and walking straight down a jetty into the sea if nobody picks you. Swim good, angels.
HONOURABLE MENTIONS
The theme song is undeniably Friday tunage
Love the Heartbreak Island theme song, love my colleagues screaming “TOO RUDE” at every extreme close-up of an arse cheek bobbing about in the water during the opening credits.
This pervy frog
This pervy finger of God
Turns out that frog has human fingers, and he is looking at everything, all the time. Sweet dreams!