Alex Casey recaps the first political speed date on Seven Sharp, wherein Jeremy Wells wooed Judith Collins in the TVNZ foyer.
Last night’s episode of Seven Sharp came with one very big tease: an “intimate liaison” (please lean in hard to French accent there) between Jezza Wells and Judith “Crusher” Collins. With the fifth candidate for the National leadership announced yesterday, Wells set himself a typically sexy-sounding mission. “I wanted to get to know each of them on a personal level, and what better way than a quickie in the work cafe?” Hey now, quickie is a SEX WORD. We haven’t been shown rude like this at 7pm since the great Warner iPad convention of 2017.
He wasn’t kidding about the low-budget cafe thing though. As staffers milled about with their flat whites in the background, the TVNZ foyer entrance just to the right, it seemed like only one light was set up to capture this intimate encounter. Wells promised to find “a more tender side to the woman they call Crusher,” beginning with her ideal romantic getaway. “Being at home is really lovely,” said Collins, “or somewhere like Samoa where we go quite frequently.” Now that is a humble ass brag.
She could spend all day talking about politics – “it’s so much fun” – and if not for that then she’d talk about cooking. But she says it more like “cooking?” shaking her head and barely believing herself, “things like that?? Gardening???” All the while, Jeremy Wells stared deep into her eyes, a blinding iridescent sheen making a brave journey across his face. Judith began waffling about cheesecake with rum on top, describing the whole recipe as “gloriously decadent.” Decadent? I’ll show you decadent.
“What do you sleep in?” asks Jeremy, face now so reflective that I can see my past, present and future in his forehead. “I sleep in a bed.” “In terms of wear… I sleep naked,” offers Jeremy, in an attempt to definitely, definitely make her feel more comfortable. “I have a very nice white lawn taste in nighties,” says Judith. Sorry, but what in the name of Peter Alexander is a LAWN nightie? Nobody knows… but perhaps Jeremy does?
After some boring stuff about Gone With the Wind, it’s time for another Secret Sex Question. This is the guy that brought us finger blasters, after all. “Shagpile or sustainable hardwood?” asks Jeremy, as a thousand high fives and “classics” ring through the valleys of New Zealand. “I’d rather have the hardwood, that’s easier to clean and I have a dog.” Everyone in the audience watching is either this face or this face.
Other key learnings from the speed date included that Judith prefers a cosy night in over a night of dancing, that she adores to freestyle, and that she thinks Jacinda Ardern is the sexiest prime minister of all time. In fact, she’d rather be her than Bill English. We return to the studio to an unusually grinning Jeremy, still grinning at his main takeaway from the dangerous liaison.
“Fascinating about her bedwear, I thought.”
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