TelevisionJuly 25, 2016

Shortland Street Power Rankings – A viral sex tape rocks Ferndale


Tara Ward brings you her rankings for Shortland Street last week, including a new naked chef and TK’s disdain for the universe and beyond.

1) Leanne reacts in a calm and discreet manner when Lucy and Ali’s sex tape goes viral

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2) Is Cam McCaskill an undiscovered culinary genius or a misguided man-child with the boundless energy of a labrador puppy? Discuss.

He may have wowed the drunk and starving IV patrons with his fancy “Mince on Toast” and “Macaroni Cheese”, but I really need to see his Dippy Eggs and Soldiers before I start fangirling over Ferndale’s answer to Jamie Oliver (c.2000).

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3) The IV Chef departs in a flurry of insults

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“Mutt-faced mangina” may be the most impressive slur to ever be uttered in Ferndale.

4) A mystery virus takes hold of Ferndale at an incredibly slow pace and TK is worried sick

“What the hell is going on?” TK scowled to the entire universe, as he and Kate rummaged through Ferndale’s only back alley in search of a mystery virus.

There were dead ends everywhere. How many dead ends can one alley have? Kate apologised. TK sulked. This was desperate, nerve wracking television. It was like TK and Kate were lost in a perplexing maze of disease and despondency, and TK was busting to pee. Would they ever escape this dangerous journey into Ferndale’s underworld?

We feel your pain, TK. Mazes suck.

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5) Random Anaesthesologist enjoys Finn’s ‘public slut-shaming during open surgery’ routine way too much 

We see you, sniggering into your Propofol and Thiopental. Johnny Marinovich would never put up with that sort of shit.

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6) Four people who know shit all about the hospitality industry buy a restaurant

What’s the worst that could happen? Nicole and Vinnie – who usually can’t find two brass razoos to rub together – bought a third share of the IV. Now Nicole can drink the profits and Vinnie can whip up a proper latte without making those hilarious pretend coffee-grinding noises like he does at home.  That Vinnie, what a crack up.

Also, the IV is worth three million bucks? Surely not. They don’t even serve cask wine.

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7) Carrie Burton sends Finn a message from the grave: stop being a chump

 Okay, this didn’t happen, but it bloody well should have. If Carrie Burton wasn’t a) dead or b) fictitious, I reckon she’d be the first to tell her son he’s being an egotistical numpty.

Pretty sure Carrie didn’t tick the ‘must be an arrogant wanker’ box when she chose Finn’s sperm donor. Or did she? It could explain everything.


8) TK is dead

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Just jokes. He is asleep. Sleep well, my pretty.

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Mad Chapman, Editor
The Spinoff has covered the news that matters in 2021, most recently the delta outbreak. Help us continue this coverage, and so much more, by supporting The Spinoff Members.Madeleine Chapman, EditorJoin Members

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