It’s the best of the best of Britain’s Got Talent, and they’re reuniting to fight it out, gladiator-style.
Before Britain’s Got Talent: Champions hits our screens tonight, let’s take a fond look back at some of the show’s weirdest and most wonderful acts.
Place your hands on your Golden Buzzer, because Britain’s Got Talent: The Champions kicks off this weekend. Champions is BGT bigger and better than it’s been before, an international extravaganza featuring some of the most memorable and beloved BGT performers since the show began in 2007. It promises so much talent that Britain will probably run out of gold confetti, and so many astonishing acts that poor Amanda Holden will be an emotional wreck by the season’s end, a shell of her former golden self. I can’t wait.
BGT: The Champions is the talent Olympics, with old mates like Paul Potts, Ashleigh and Sully (RIP Pudsey), Stavros Flatley, Boogie Storm, Richard Jones, The Mersey Girls, and Lost Voice Guy returning to compete for the £100,000 prize. Simon Cowell has cast his talent net far and wide, pulling in Talent stars from Asia, Italy, Germany and America to compete against the best of British. It’s jazz hands across the oceans, it’s jazz hands farting out the Ghostbusters theme tune. Who will be the most champion-y of them all?
It could be anyone or anything, because BGT is a gloriously unpredictable bag of tricks. It’s the only show where comedians, magicians, dancers and school choirs all share the same stage. Sure, some have more talent than others, but BGT success isn’t just about natural ability. BGT embraces the weird and wonderful, it wraps its big old David Walliams arms around the bizarre and brilliant, and if you think a grown man in an Olaf suit doing interpretive dance to ‘Let it Go’ doesn’t take talent, then you are sadly mistaken. Simon: that’s a yes from me.
Britain’s Got Talent is the most reliably entertaining show on television, and to celebrate the premiere of Champions, we’ve handpicked ten of the most memorable acts to ever grace the BGT stage.
Glittering Gonzo is full of joy
I could watch this all day, every day. Grab your kitchen tongs and dance like nobody’s watching, because Glittering Gonzo is here to give tambourines and tongs their long overdue moment in the spotlight. Shake it, shake it like a Polaroid picture, Glittering Gonzo.
Jonathan Goodwin dodges crossbows while blindfolded
You know when BGT warns “don’t try this at home” that it’s going to be good. This act has it all: incredible tension, stainless steel blindfolds, and David Walliams as a superhero. Also, the sound of the running water will make you want to pee, so please keep a picture of David Walliams on your lap at all times.
Susan Boyle’s astonishing audition
Susan Boyle is the greatest success story of Britain’s Got Talent, and this audition in 2009 shows the transformative power of the show. Susan walked onto the BGT stage as an ordinary person from a tiny village in Scotland, revealed the voice of an angel, and came off a superstar. She dreamed her dream and it came true, just like I dream of one day being able to fart the Rocky soundtrack with my hands. Susan Boyle is a BGT legend, and no matter how long ago it was or how many times you watch it, this moment is pure magic.
Wiggle Wine
Donchez from Wolverhampton made the world sit up and take notice with this performance, which took him all the way to the 2018 finals. Are the lyrics terrible? Yes. Is it up there with the Pete Waterman hits of the ‘80s? Of course not. Can I stop singing it? NEVER. The BGT gods rained down a torrent of gold confetti and they’ve not stopped wiggling and wining ever since.
Hypnodog: watch at your own risk
I watched this act four times and fell asleep EVERY TIME. If that’s not proof pets hold a superior hypnotic power over humans then please wiggle and wine your body away immediately.
Bonetics
So bendy it should be illegal.
Lorraine Bowen is good at cooking crumble
“My bingo wings are out there!” Those bingo wings are calling to me and 12 million views on YouTube can’t be wrong. Lorraine’s a legend, just like her crumble.
The Vardanyan Brothers like to balance upside down
One wrong move from these acrobats and we are officially up shit talent creek, which is why BGT is so bloody entertaining. These two stick swords in their gullets so we don’t have to and contort themselves into strange positions so we can lie prone on the couch at home, eating chips and marvelling over the power of the human body. Bless their hearts and bless their hamstrings.
2016 winner Richard Jones makes a cup of tea out of some ice cold fizz
Look, he’s notbalancing 11 patio chairs on his chin, but Richard Jones’ magic is so mind blowing that you’ll need a cup of tea in a can and some of Lorraine’s crumble to recover.
Man shows off a plastic bag full of his certificates and achievements
Rose McIver returns in Netflix’s latest Christmas Prince film, A Royal Baby.
It’s that time of year again when, for the third year running, a new A Christmas Prince movie is released. Sam Brooks was in front of a TV screen for the latest instalment’s debut on Netflix last night, and here catalogues the many stupid, wild, and wildly stupid things he witnessed.
Another Christmas, another slew of Netflix Christmas films to help you burn 90 minutes while you wait out your family’s stay. The most prominent, famous, watchable and terrible of these is the Christmas Prince series, starring our very own Rose McIver as a journalist who screws up her first job so badly she ends up marrying her only source: The King of Aldovia, a fictional country where the royal family is still the head of state and reigning governing body. Just go with it.
Because Netflix seems intent on making these movies until the end of their service, the end of Rose McIver’s contract or the forseeable climate death of Earth, this year we’ve got A Christmas Prince: The Royal Baby, set in the lead-up to Christmas as King Richard prepares to sign a treaty preventing immediate war with Adovia’s neighbour, Penglia. Also, Queen Amber is about 19 months pregnant.
Stupid hijinks follow, and I’ve collected them all up for you, in case you wisely decided to watch this a few bottles of eggnog deep and need a refresher. Or you just want to laugh at the joyfully dumb film you’ll see all year.
Spoilers for A Christmas Prince: The Royal Baby follow, and if you care about those I would kindly suggest you reconsider your priorities.
Stupid!
Okay, not only is the Queen allowed to still have a blog, but she’s allowed to write her posts straight into the back-end? Aldovia truly is a place that knows no law, rhyme, reason or care for backing up one’s writing.
Wild!
The Aldovian royal family is so noble and non-problematic that they have no staff. Like, whatsoever.
Wildly Stupid!
Early on in the film, Queen Amber and King Richard give a press conference about her pregnancy, despite her due date being like a month away. Where have the journalists been all this time? The questions they ask are:
“Are you having a boy or a girl?”
“Have you decided on a name yet?”
“What about the laws of succession?”
(Guess that one came from the Aldovian Guardian. Killjoy, am I right?)
Aldovian journalists might well be the worst or most lax in the world, if this is the first time they’ve asked these questions. But this is also the country that allowed a journalist on her very first investigation to marry their head of state, so whatever, I guess.
Wild!
Queen Amber and King Richard have changed the laws of succession to include women! Great! But improbable!
They’ve been married a year. That stuff doesn’t happen willy-nilly. I know married couples who still haven’t decided where to put the dishes and the glasses. Altering monarchical succession law takes years of legal work and preparing the population for change. That’s why even if Princess Anne was the eldest, we’d always have ended up with fusty old Prince Charles instead of his extremely cool sister.
Stupid!
Count Simon has invited Queen Amber’s American Friend Melissa™ to come stay. But Queen Amber isn’t due for a month! What is Melissa gonna do all day? Doesn’t she have a job? Has she come for work experience? They don’t just let randoms stay in the royal residences, you guys. The British royals barely let Camilla in the house and she’s been around, maritally and extra-maritally for nearly half a century!
Wildly Stupid!
Why is Aldovia not just having an important diplomatic meeting with Penglia a month before Queen Amber is due to give birth, but also a baby shower? Get that shit out of the way earlier, fam! You don’t want to be going into contractions (Amber’s doctor calls them ‘surges’) while Aunt Sharon is still passed out in the wrapping paper.
Wild!
Queen Amber’s father, who is not just from New York, but if his accent to believed, from Noo Yawk, cannot pronounce the name of the country she is Queen of. It might be a result of the same brain abnormality that gave him his accent.
Rose McIver checks her prosthetic.
Wild!
Can’t spring for a double bed, Aldovian royal family?
Stupid!
Aldovia literally has more journalists than the royal family have staff. And they’re about as diverse as any newsroom I’ve seen! I guess it is a utopia.
Wildly Stupid!
If it’s so important for the leaders of both these monarchies to sign this treaty every one hundred years so they don’t revert back to war immediately, why do they have to do it a few days before the Queen is due to push a person out of her royal entity? It is tradition.
Wild!
How poor is the Aldovian royal family that they have to have that guy as a decoration outside their royal house?
Stupid!
No royal family member would be caught dead wearing something sheer. Trust me on this.
Not a journalist in sight!
Wildly Stupid!
If this is such an important treaty, and the ratio of journalists to people in Aldovia is about 1:3, why the hell is there no media there for the treaty signing? No cameras? Not even someone with a notepad? God, get me a job as the editor of the Aldovian Times, I’ll whip them into shape.
Wild!
To quote Queen Ming, after the treaty goes missing, “You want us to play a children’s game in the midst of this scandal?”
To remind you, if this treaty isn’t signed, these countries will be at war. Which everybody seems to treat real casually, being war and all.
Stupid!
After the treaty goes missing, Queen Amber’s American Friend Melissa™ is allowed to just… hang out and wander around the palace. Despite being a commoner, a foreigner, and utterly useless in finding said treaty. Also, because the Aldovians have no staff, the royal family have to find the treaty themselves! Whatever!
Wildly Stupid!
As well as the treaty not being signed leading to war, there’s apparently also a curse associated with it that everybody appears to believe in. The curse being if the treaty is not renewed then the first born child of Aldovia will just be… cursed? It’s not clear what has happened. I’m not quite sure A Christmas Prince has robust fantasy lore that anybody has invested time in. This isn’t A Wheel of Time, fam.
The wildly stupid part of this is how people treat it seriously, with lines like: “Sorcery fell out of favour centuries ago.” That’s a very casual thing to drop into conversation, Borg Queen!
(Yes, that actress also played the Borg Queen. We’ve all got to make a living.)
Stupid!
The Queen’s two designated Homosexual Friends™ are also allowed to just wander the palace. See above, re: Camilla, but replace with whatever gay friends I assume Princess Margaret surrounded herself with. Even when the Queen accuses one of stealing the treaty because he once called it tacky (?!), they’re still allowed to wander. She justifies this by saying, “We follow leads, remember!”
Queen Amber, you’re not a journalist. You’re a blogger. You’re very, very bad at journalism, which is evidenced by you wandering around the palace accusing your friends of treason. Which is honestly quite a pretty boss thing to do. Very Princess Margaret.
Wildly Stupid!
Sorry, back to the magic stuff. When the King’s little sister, the adorable Princess Emily, tells the King that there’s a curse associated with the treaty, he says: “The chance of it being real is infinitesimal.”
Look, Aldovia may be a utopia where journalists marry into royalty (I am available for this role, btw) and everybody unabashedly loves the royals, but I draw the line at people casually accepting magic. Especially street magic.
Wild!
The King and Queen of Aldovia do their pre-natal classes… via product-placed FaceTime? They’re the royal family and heads of state! Their doctor literally lives a drive away! Just chuck the doctor in one of the many rooms in your palace. Or in the dungeon! (Oh, we’ll get to the dungeon.)
Stupid!
Borg Queen says the line: “One day you’ll look back at all the sleepless nights and realise they’re amongst your sweetest memories.”
Look, I’ve never been pregnant and I’m unlikely to become so, but I feel like I’ve never heard a woman really miss those sleepless nights. Feel free to disabuse me of this assumption in the comments, but until then I will suggest that Borg Queen doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about.
Wildly Stupid!
Apparently Aldovia is in such dire straits they can’t spring for a graphic designer, but apparently think highly enough of themselves that they think they can request people dress in black and white.
Also, literally everybody invited to this baby shower is currently staying in the palace. Just go knock on doors, you lazy royals.
Wild!
The King of Aldovia and the King of Penglia build a crib that appears to have been bought from IKEA. Dudes, I didn’t even build the easy-assembly furniture I got from Freedom. If I ran a whole kingdom you can bet your ass I wouldn’t have lifted a finger to open the box this came in.
Stupid!
No journalists covering the baby shower. You can’t tell me Aldovian Woman’s Weekly wouldn’t be all over that.
Wildly Stupid!
Okay, spoilers for the main twist of A Christmas Prince: The Royal Baby follow. Like proper, actual plot spoilers.
At some stage, Queen Amber’s American Friend Melissa™ discovers that Count Simon, who she is courting, has… printed off the finances for the Federal Bank of Aldovia. Just on one page. Of a print-out. Which he acquired, somehow. And then just printed off.
The following dialogue ensues:
“Is this an assessment of Aldovia’s debt to Penglia? A billion euros?”
“That sounds correct, but a year ago with five billion, and with our booming economy it should be wiped out by spring.”
“Unless the treaty is broken.”
“In which case it’s due immediately.”
Look, I don’t need to explain why that’s wild, stupid, or wildly stupid. Or why they’re talking about this in front of a foreigner! These are huge (fictional, implausible, improbable) economic issues! Don’t you have advisers? Is the government of Aldovia solely comprised of a King and a wildly underqualified journalist?
I give up.
Wild!
Count Simon bails like that and is totally fine afterwards.
Stupid!
The royal family are allowed to wander the Christmas markets, and to do so in K-Mart chic.
Wildly Stupid!
The queen faints in public, after shooting a bullseye with a bow and arrow and once more, none of the three thousand journalists employed in Aldovia is around! Can you imagine what a scoop that would be? Once more, sort it out, Aldovian journalists.
Wild!
After she goes into labour, Queen Amber’s doctor/midwife/doula (it’s very unclear) crashes into a pile of snow so King Richard goes to rescue her… on horseback because she might get mauled by wolves.
Stupid!
Once more, from the Borg Queen: “Sorcery was discredited a long time ago. For good reason.”
Because it’s fucking magic!!!
Wildly Stupid!
Queen Ming used to ‘volunteer on a maternity ward’, so she offers to help Queen Amber give birth. Is there seriously nobody in this palace? At all? This is like if Jacinda Ardern went into labour while having an important diplomatic meeting with Angela Merkel, and Merkel just decided she’d muck in. This is the gravity of the situation happening in fictional, fantastical, utopian Aldovia. I hate it.
Wild!
The Borg Queen and Princess Emily go to the dungeon to… find the treaty. Let’s skip over the no staff thing for a moment and back up to the fact that the universally beloved royal family of Aldovia has a straight-up dungeon? Like, to lock people in? Queen Elizabeth II can’t even get away with not crying about Diana, but the Aldovians just have a prison in their basement? What wildly good PR they must have.
Stupid!
The resolution of this film. I can’t even recap it, but it’s dumb, and I refuse to devote words to it. Go watch it and find out for yourself.
Queen Amber gives a monologue mid-labour, and, uh, look. I think women can do literally anything. But I think that no women would be necessarily inclined to deliver a monologue, one that relies on her knowledge of obscure history, mid-labour. Just let her lie down, for Christ’s sake.
Wildly Stupid!
Queen Amber is allowed to give birth in this bed. Once more, I am a man who has neither the ability nor the inclination to give birth, but I feel like this bed is absolutely an antique (albeit one that looks like it came from a sale at Bed, Birth & Beyond) and is also maybe not ideal for giving birth? Where did that single bed from earlier on in the film go? Those sheets are gonna be ruined.
Also gonna be ruined? Your eyelash extensions.
Wild!
Borg Queen asks that [redacted, for spoilers] be taken to the ‘Leopold Suite’. I interpret this to mean that [redacted] is gonna be taken to the dungeon and executed. Borg Queen is ruthless, have you seen Star Trek? Get on that story, Aldovian Guardian!
Stupid!
Count Simon proposes to Queen Amber’s American Best Friend Melissa™, which, just in terms of what his rank is in the kingdom, feels like something that should have been run by at least a few people. God knows, the only thing Aldovia needs less of is more foreign interference.
Wildly Stupid!
The treaty is signed as Queen Amber is like, ten minutes away from giving birth. While I’m not privy to Aldovia’s laws, as its a fictional country, I’m sure you could use that as a reason to invalidate the whole thing because, if sitcoms are to be believed, I don’t think signing papers while you’re in labour is recommended. Even if those papers stop two countries going to war and a debunked curse being placed on your child.
Wild!
Genuine request: Get me the name of whoever does your eyelash extensions, Queen Amber. If they can stay on and stay flawless during labour, then they’re worth their weight in gold.
Stupid!
What possible function does this serve? Is there one in case she didn’t safely deliver a daughter?
Wildly Stupid!
This film, but god, it’s a whole lot of fun.
I can’t wait for 2020’s Netflix Christmas film: A Christmas Prince: The Epstein Scandal.
