Tim Murphy brings you perhaps the finest court transcript in New Zealand’s long and glorious judicial history.
On January 12 2016 Taranaki Judge Allan Roberts announced his retirement, as reported by the Taranaki Daily News. A man named Troy LaRue found the story on social media, and made an uncomplimentary remark about Roberts’ appearance. Unluckily, he was summonsed to the court for unpaid traffic fines a few days later. Sitting at the bench that day? Judge Roberts.
The following is the previously unpublished transcript of proceedings from the New Plymouth District Court on January 21. Judge Roberts, one week before he retired from the bench, takes the opportunity to make Troy William Henry LaRue face up to his (Facebook) crimes, in what may go down as the second-greatest New Zealand crime story of the year.
“At 11pm, in her inner city Auckland flat, a 26-year-old product manager named Bridget read Allison’s Facebook post. They’d known one another for 14 years, but she had been unaware of Allison’s history with Tidball. It brought memories of Bridget’s own relationship with him flooding back. They had chatted online nearly every day, escalating quickly to cybersex and eventually phone sex. Their contact began when he was in his mid thirties.
“It was billed as the ‘Job Interview in Front of the Whole World’. Live-streamed from the United Nations in New York, one person in front of 173 ambassadors intent on throwing all the world’s problems at the applicant.”
“Attending a high school unconstrained by NCEA – or seemingly any fixed curriculum – Eve had far too much on her plate to concern herself with academics. Death, eating, disorders, bullying, pregnancy: Being Eve was there to cover it all.”
“At least he didn’t call me a “cocksucker”, as one crime novelist did at the end of my edit of his latest best-seller. He was in New York at the time, so might have been joking. Possibly.”
“These days, not only do you need the bandwidth of a small Pacific nation just to download the rest of the game that didn’t fit on the disk, but your mate better have their own machine, TV and copy of the game if they want to play along. It’s almost more convenient to not have any real friends.”
“More disconcertingly, though, lowering the age of consent opens up vulnerable teens to predation by adults as a side effect. The sexual exploitation of young people is a far more prevalent problem than senseless ‘statutory rape’ convictions, and a reduction in the age of consent would create a more permissive environment for adults who groom teens for sex, and weaker legal recourse for their victims.”
“But suddenly things get juicy. Clémentine confesses that she has read his book and enjoyed it (!) but she wants to know more. She needs the next big scoop.”
“Was the dildo chained up; interrogated for answers? What prompted the sudden and seemingly random decision to destroy it? Was it even given a last meal?”
“Just say no. While I appreciate they might be just the stuff to get the kidz buying records, I don’t care. Record shops are open most days, so pick another one to sell them this tat.”
“The elephant in the room, and pretty much every room that Gabriel Macht ever enters, is this: he is ridiculously, spectacularly, disarmingly handsome. Even if you’d never seen an episode of Suits in your life, you’d know just by looking at him that this guy was a hot shot Hollywood actor.”
