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Photo: Thomas Koehler/Photothek via Getty Images
Photo: Thomas Koehler/Photothek via Getty Images

ParentsMarch 25, 2019

How to keep your kids safe online in the wake of the Christchurch attack

Photo: Thomas Koehler/Photothek via Getty Images
Photo: Thomas Koehler/Photothek via Getty Images

Following the Christchurch terror attacks parents around the world have been concerned about what their children might see online and how they might cope with the immense tragedy of the events. Emily Writes spoke to the author of Keeping Your Children Safe Online, John Parsons, about what parents should know.

I met John Parsons at an event at the Nelson Arts Festival. At first we didn’t hit it off. We got into a rather heated discussion about screen time and empathy for parents. But when I really talked to him, I was struck by how much he knew his stuff. He was the first person I thought to get in touch with when parents started to email asking for help in supporting their children after the Christchurch terror attacks.

The following is a conversation we had by email. John is a busy man. His main job is an internet safety and risk assessment consultant who delivers cybersecurity training workshops for the health and education sectors and for New Zealand Police. But he also speaks to parents, and his book Keeping Your Children Safe Online has become my internet safety bible.

John Parsons speaking to young people

Kia ora John, I wanted to talk to you about supporting children in their use of social media following the Christchurch terror attacks. Parents I’ve spoken to are really afraid of their children seeing the footage of the terror attacks. Should we be taking phones off teenagers, devices off our kids? There are times they will have to use devices and when we’re not there – what can we do?

In my opinion we need to keep young children away from social media at least for the next few weeks. The younger they are the harder it is to process major events like the one that has just occurred. We can also deploy parental software controls to provide nurture and parental oversight.

Teenagers have educational commitments to maintain so taking devices of them is not practical. These devices also connect them with friends and family which in times like these can also provide them with therapeutic support.

There are numerous ways to access information online so it is important to sit down with the young people in our lives and explain to them, based on their age and level of maturity, that there are places on the internet that have images, video, and text that are both illegal and harmful to see.

Explain to them that if they accidentally see something related to the recent tragedy to talk to a teacher, a guidance councillor, their ‘lighthouse’, or Mum or Dad if they need help to process it. It is also important to emphasise that under no circumstances should they forward or deliberately expose other people to it.

The live footage of the massacre has now been classified “objectionable” by our censor’s office and watching it can carry a sentence of 10 years in prison. Parents would do well to remind their children about the classification.

I also suggest parents explain that this deplorable act captured on film should never see the light of day. Tell your children that if they have a copy of the video they should delete it, out of respect for the victims and their families – and of course to protect themselves and family members who may accidentally access it within the home.

I know what you mean by a ‘lighthouse’ but can you explain to people who may not be familiar with your work?

A lighthouse is a support person for your child. I encourage all parents to get their child to choose a lighthouse. Sit down with your child and let them nominate a person they, and you, trust and who shares the same values as you to become their lighthouse person. Make this a special moment in both your child’s life and for your nominated person. The role of the lighthouse is to be there for your child at any time, day or night, in person or by phone, to listen to them and help them when they need it, and then support the child and accompany them to meet their guardians and talk about what has happened. As the parent or caregiver, you can also identify all the support services that are there to help the lighthouse in their role.

Your book has advice about encouraging your children to be brave enough to say no to seeing or talking about things that upset them. I told my son to walk away if someone is talking about Christchurch and it makes him upset and he said that some girls were talking about guns and he became scared and left them before he heard too much. What scripts can we give our children to protect them from hearing too much?

I get young children to role-play a lot of potentially stressful situations using what we call chin up, shoulders back. Parents can do this with their children also as follows:

If you see or here something that upsets you, take some deep breaths, lift your chin, put your shoulders back, think of a person you love or trust, remove yourself from the situation and tell that person. Then you have all the power.

If you see or here something that upsets you say “I’m just off to the toilet” then they can remove themselves without feeling embarrassed.

As they walk away teach them to visualise in their mind who they love and or trust and tell them.

Teach them as they walk towards home they walk towards love, as they walk towards school they walk towards trust and in both location s they have people they will support them.

Many parents are saying despite the video being classed as objectionable and removed by Facebook children are still finding it. What can we do?

We must demand more action from the online platforms that store and distribute it. The systems were built from day one to make money – this is not a criticism, it’s just a fact. The developers could not conceive back them that this would happen, but it is. So our parents need to contact their politicians and demand action. The developers have created algorithms that track us, send us advertisements, monitor our key strokes, all in pursuit of profit. Again, this is not a criticism, it just highlights they have not focused enough on removal of harmful content. To still have this violence accessible to our children is unacceptable.

I think these large corporations should also be required by law to record any instance of a user attempting to post hate crime material and hate crime material that was successfully posted and then removed. This would include how long it was up and its distribution range, like how many people viewed it and in what areas of the world. If governments worldwide had access to this data, we could at least get an idea of how big the problem is. This would then help government budget for ways to combat and reduce it.

There have been people saying kids are showing the video at lunchtime and after school. What can we do to stop this? It feels like we need a full community response.

Over the last seven days I have been reminded all too often of how far this mass murderer’s actions have been made available to the world. I believe thousands of young children have viewed this video. I have listened to two children, 11 years of age, who said “it was like playing a first-person shooter game”. A teacher told me that one of her students had watched the full video with mum and dad.

I am very concerned that as we go forward many of these children are going to need therapeutic support. As a community we need to stay firmly grounded in the fact that a man massacred 50 people in their place of worship, injured many others, left thousands of people who are directly connected to these victims psychologically wounded.

I think as this unfolds with a court case and news coverage, we need to send a message to the world which includes children and it could start like this: Let’s ask the media to block his face permanently in any news article, let’s ask the media to never use his name, let’s all make a pledge between us do the same in conversations in the home, at a barbeque or on the bus to work. We have a right to demand more from online platforms, but there is a lot we can do to clean up our own communication channels.

John Parsons on Facebook.

netsafe.org.nz

Keep going!
A vigil in Aotea Square, Auckland, today. (Photo by Phil Walter/Getty Images)
A vigil in Aotea Square, Auckland, today. (Photo by Phil Walter/Getty Images)

ParentsMarch 16, 2019

How to talk to your children about the Christchurch terror attacks

A vigil in Aotea Square, Auckland, today. (Photo by Phil Walter/Getty Images)
A vigil in Aotea Square, Auckland, today. (Photo by Phil Walter/Getty Images)

The days ahead will be full of difficult feelings and even more difficult conversations. Louisa Woods writes about how to start and have these conversations with your children.

For many of our children and teens, yesterday dawned full of hope. They stood together, united, passionate, and energised. We saw them reject apathy, counter ignorance, and embrace the power of collective action. Our young people were magnificent in their refusal to let things be.

Last night, it felt like the sun set on a different place to the one we woke up in. The terrorist attacks in Christchurch have had a profound effect on many of us, even though we may not have been directly affected. Our collective innocence has been cracked; the reality of racism and hatred hitting right here on home soil. As we adults grapple with our thoughts and feelings following the horrific acts of yesterday, those of us who have children and young people in our lives are also struggling with how to support them and help them process what has happened and what they may have seen online.

The victims and their families, and the Muslim community here in New Zealand are of course the most in need of care. There are a number of ways we can help, and it is heartening to see such an outpouring of love and support from across New Zealand. We should also be aware that exposure to violent events through the media, and even worse in this case, via the attackers live stream, can cause trauma. Many young people will have seen distressing footage, read about the violence of the attacks, and may have done so alone.

If you havent already, start a conversation about the attacks with your kids. Some of us have the privilege of being able to do this before they hear about it elsewhere because were not in Christchurch or because our children are young. Many will be entering territory their child has already ventured into. Either way, its really important to talk. If a subject becomes taboo, in their minds it becomes even more scary. If they hear about it from someone other than you, you cant control what they hear, or provide support as they hear it.

Let your child talk. Let them feel whatever it is they are feeling, without judgment or trying to minimise their reactions. Its very tempting to try to cheer people up, especially so children and young people. For a start just be present. Just listen.

CHRISTCHURCH, NEW ZEALAND – MARCH 16: People gather to lay flowers outside the Botanic Gardens on March 16, 2019 in Christchurch, New Zealand. (Photo by Fiona Goodall/Getty Images)

Its also good for your children to know how youre feeling. Many of us are overwhelmed and sorrowful, disbelieving and angry. And with good reason. Feeling all of these things while maintaining control and projecting an air of calm can model a healthy way of working through emotions, while at the same time demonstrating that all sorts of emotion, and mixed emotion, is normal and okay.

Recent research on the impact of caregiver responses to their children seeing violent news media found reassuring realistically” had the best outcomes for children and teens in terms of quelling anxiety. Age-appropriate, honest answers to questions and reminders that in their daily life they are generally very safe can help set young peoples minds at rest.  While we cant promise terrible things will not happen, we can provide reassurance about the systems in place to keep us safe, the people who care for and protect them, and the fact we are fortunate in New Zealand that these sorts of attacks are rare. The response to yesterdays violence was quick and efficient. Teachers and emergency staff in Christchurch were incredible. Pointing these things out, rather than focussing on the violence and the perpetrators is important.

Encouraging a break from social media, or at least from viewing news reports and footage, can also lessen young peoples distress and anxiety. With older children and adolescents, this is an opportunity to talk about why sharing violent and upsetting content can be harmful, in terms of its impact on viewers, but also because it gives terrorists what they want – more exposure, more impact, a greater undermining of our communitys feelings of safety and security.  

Countering feelings of helplessness with practical suggestions about how to help could be useful for young people of all ages. Talk about what they could do to help the victims and their families, to show support for the Muslim community, to foster kindness and tolerance in their schools. A discussion with adolescents about the impact of intolerance on our society and how we can counter those things can give them some tools to address discrimination and racism when they see it, and the motivation to do so, even though it might be hard.

None of us want our children to be distrusting of others, or to think white supremacy and hate are the norm here. But they do need to see how some of the attitudes and messages common to New Zealand society need to be challenged and dismantled.

Our young people had fire in their bellies yesterday. May the injustice and hate and violence of the terrorism we bore witness to in Christchurch stoke that fire further still. Let them wake with hope every day. Let it start tomorrow.