Pop CultureDecember 19, 2016

We wish you a metal Christmas: A beginner’s guide to a heavy holiday season

Contributing writer

No-so-secret metalhead Emily Writes guides you through the best metal covers of Christmas classics.

In the world of metal you’re classified by what you like – you can’t really just say you like ‘metal’, you have to specify your genre. And then chances are, especially if you’re a woman, you’ll be lectured in a blisteringly boring way about how ‘that’s not metal’. I’m an old school bogan and I feel that’s an easy shorthand for the type of metal I like – I like the classics.

I won’t go through all the genres because it’s dull (here’s an easy guide if you’re interested) but my favourite metal genre is the little known and disgustingly underrated genre of metal covers of Christmas classics. Didn’t know this was a thing? Now you do. And I’m going to guide you through with the best metal covers of Christmas songs.

Alice Cooper – ‘Santa Claws is coming to Town’

You might argue Alice Cooper isn’t metal – it’s likely even he would deny he’s metal – but I will fight you because you are wrong. This is the perfect cover by the perfect person. The creepy classic ‘Santa Claus is coming to Town’ was always waiting for someone to make it creepier. Alice Cooper is perfect for that – “He knows where you live, he knows that your window’s open”. It’s absolutely what this song deserves. There are some hidden lyrics too – “then you’re going to burn and die” is a great addition to this song. And the creepy circus-music-type-riff is awesome. Also, I interviewed Alice Cooper once and he was really nice. I told him ‘Poison’ was my wedding song and he seemed real chuffed.

Rob Halford – ‘Come All Ye Faithful’

Judas Priest frontman and leather fan Rob Halford is a national treasure. Not least because he made his first solo record in seven years a Christmas album. Halford III: Winter Songs could be played start to finish on Christmas. It’s hard to pick a fave. ‘Christmas for Everyone’ is cute AF: “When Christmas comes for everyone / It brings us all together / For just one day there’s peace in the world / We wish would last forever”. Just pure majesty from the guy who brought us the poetry of “BREAKING THE LAW BREAKING THE LAW BREAKING THE LAW”. ‘We Three Kings’ has a great guitar solo and ‘O Holy Night’ really works with his voice, but I’m picking ‘O Come All Ye Faithful’ as the song of the album because it’s so epic.

Joan Jett and the Blackhearts – ‘The Little Drummer Boy’

OK, you can say Joan Jett isn’t metal. But it’s pretty metal how she sings “When we come”. And I wanted some wahine on this list and metal is a sausage fest so that’s hard. I couldn’t work out whether to include this or Lita Ford and Cherie Currie’s ‘Rock This Christmas Down’. But actually, this one is more metal than that one, which has some weird Christmas rapping. There’s also Lita Ford’s duet with Twisted Sister in ‘I’ll Be Home For Christmas’. There’s also Doro’s ‘Merry Metal Christmas’ but I just don’t really like that song, even though I love Doro.

(Almost Definitely Not) Metallica – ‘Carol of the Bells’

While looking for ‘Carol of the Bells’, all I could find was those fucking awful Petatonix pricks. It made me angry. Just the right frame of mind to listen to some Metallica. If this is Metallica — which it almost definitely isn’t — they take themselves far too seriously to record a Christmas song. Frankly, I’d like it more if it wasn’t Metallica. I couldn’t find any proof it was. And it doesn’t sound like them. But it’s rad. This only narrowly beats the second best cover of this song – by The Muppets.

Lemmy – ‘Run Rudolph Run’

2016 has been a horror show but this time last year metal fans didn’t know we were about to lose our God Lemmy. I remember the first time I bought a Motorhead t-shirt. The guy selling it said, “Before you buy it, I’m going to test you – who is more powerful: Lemmy or God?” I said the correct answer (It’s a trick question because Lemmy is God) I took home my first Motorhead t-shirt. I have loved Lemmy for so long. It broke my heart to lose him so suddenly. I was in the line at KFC, which is perfectly bogan, when I found out he’d died. I bawled my eyes out, but at least I had KFC. I feel like that’s what Lemmy would have wanted. For me to have delicious chicken to comfort me in my time of grief.

Testament – ‘Silent Night’

‘Silent Night’ was my nana’s favourite Christmas song. She probably wouldn’t like this version. It’s maybe Testament – it’s definitely Chuck Billy but it also has Anthrax’s Scott Ian on it. I love it. We almost saw Testament once. They were meant to come to New Zealand. And they didn’t. And that’s my Testament story.

Twister Sister – ‘Silver Bells’

Dee Snider does not get the respect he deserves. And I think it’s 99% because of his hair. And the fact that ‘We’re Not Gonna Take It’ is a really annoying song. But the dude knows Christmas and Twisted Sister’s incredible Twisted Christmas is the best Christmas album of the genre. It’s perfection, start to finish. The video clips are also classic – with many metal tropes like sexy librarian removes glasses to be sexy metal fan, and sexy housewife undoes hair tie to be sexy metal fan, and man with white open shirt holds snake.

Dee is cool for a number of reasons – I mean, in the year I was born, 1985, he testified in the US senate against parental warning labels on CDs. His testimony against Tipper Gore and the other pearl clutchers must be seen to be believed. He also wrote a Christmas song for Celine Dion, ‘The Magic of Christmas Day (God Bless Us Everyone)’, and toured alongside a Dee Snider tribute band. He also created a Christmas musical called Dee Snider’s Rock and Roll Christmas Tale. But he was also on Donald Trump’s terrible apprentice show, so he’s in problematic fave territory. It was hard to pick a favourite from his album – I like ‘Heavy Metal Christmas’ a lot, ‘Oh Come All Ye Faithful’ is probably the best, but ‘Silver Bells’ is just so good to sing along to. And the fact that they play it at concerts and people actually do a circle pit makes me so happy I could cry.

Ronnie James Dio featuring Tony Iommi – ‘God Rest Ye Weary Gentleman’

I love this one so much. This is why Christmas music so suits metal – because the lyrics are hard-core if sung by the right people – I mean “To save us all from Satan’s power”? that’s a metal lyric mate. I love everything the late, great Ronnie James Dio did. So much so that I named my second born Ronnie James. So I mean, he was always going to be on this list. His voice is perfect for Christmas music. It’s so powerful and huge. He could sing a fish and chips menu and it would sound epic. I love that they just made ‘God Rest Ye Weary Gentleman’ sound like a Sabbath song (Dio is superior Sabbath #sorrynotsorry). Iommi is on it and you can tell. I love the way he sings “comfort and joy” it sounds so different every time he says it – the 3.05 is so perfect. That’s when the song really gets into it. It actually sounds heavy as and like God is going to take you and smash your body against some rocks or something. But also, I believe that he wants me to have a Merry Christmas. That’s talent that is. Oh gosh I miss Dio! What a legend.

Have a merry metal Christmas everyone!

Keep going!

Pop CultureDecember 19, 2016

The definitive top 10 Shortland Street moments of 2016

Tara Ward

Staff writer

Tara Ward has been mercilessly power ranking Shortland Street for the entire year of 2016. Here she collates her favourite moments, including bouncy castle woes and rude fridge magnets.

Ding dong merrily on high, the Shortland Street Christmas cliffhanger is nearly here. Before we dangle our weary bodies over the cliff in readiness for tonight’s climactic episode, let’s take a moment to reflect on the past twelve months in the suburban cesspit of disease and misery that we call Ferndale.

Santa was right. This is the most wonderful time of the year.

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2016 was a pustulent sack filled to bursting with mystery viruses and exploding caravans, sperm-donor children and spooky house ghosts, illegal prostitutes, inept police, and best of all, Leanne in a poncho.

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So come, all ye faithful, and take a gander at this highly researched list of 2016’s best bits. It’s as contentious as the health rating on Cam’s fruit mince pies, but hopefully twice as tasty.

1) Rachel leaves Shortland Street

Rachel unravelled quicker than a toilet roll down a staircase when she relapsed into a life of drugs and alcohol. Her embarrassing carry-on ruined her reputation, left the hospital in financial crisis, and made her shout things like “I’m not made of fingers, Damo!”

Rachel departed Ferndale for a new life in America, leaving a devastated husband who wondered what he could have done differently. Parted his hair on the other side, perhaps? We’ll never know.

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2) Victoria confesses her crimes

It was the crime that gripped the nation: who shot Drew? Who framed Margaret? Why did Victoria always carry two handbags? Just when it felt like Shortland Street had stretched this storyline further than the elastic on my giant nana knickers, Victoria finally confessed her sins to Mo and then drove into a tree.

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3) Vinnie’s fridge drops the C-Bomb

The devil’s in the detail.

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4) Norelle dies

Norelle’s determination to end her life on her terms got us right in the feels. It was a proper sobfest as cancer-stricken Norelle prepared her final days. When the sun rose and Kylie woke to discover Norelle was dead, I ugly-cried into my pillow like the big baby that I am.

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5) Blue arrives in Ferndale

He didn’t blow up a caravan or stick a polymer insert into his thigh, but the arrival of transgender character Blue was a major moment in Shortland Street history.

Although Blue had Leanne more confused than the time she tried to say Ula’s name correctly, his development as a complex, multi-dimensional character successfully exposed trans issues to middle New Zealand, five nights a week.

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6) George admits he isn’t a doctor

As usual, Leanne said it best: “a grown man with his hair in a bun? It’s a cry for help.” Alas, Dayna fell for George’s exotic accent and thick head of hair, and it was a cold, dark day when George admitted the truth: he wasn’t a doctor, and even worse, he drank a patient’s urine. They’re both heinous crimes, so it’s no wonder they skipped the country.

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7) Mo falls off the bouncy castle

Safety first, people.

8) Wendy dies

Wendy was the shock victim of Gareth’s shooting rampage. Who would cook the chickpea curry now? It was the beginning of the end for the Cooper whānau, with Murray, Jimmy, Bella and Stevie all leaving Ferndale before the year was out, probably in search of a good curry house.

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9) Leanne stays awake during surgery

2016 was the Year of Leanne. She jet-skied like a maniac, gobbled like a turkey, turned psychic, reacted to toxic mould and declared that “Miller women are not starfish”. Oh, Leanne, what would we do without you?

But it was Leanne’s failed facelift that was her most impressive moment of the year. Being awake during surgery isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but Leanne remained stoic and resolute like the Queen that she is. Mostly because she was paralysed, but she was still Leanne, still amazing.

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10) Chris commando rolls across Kate’s front lawn

It wouldn’t be a top 10 list without Chris Warner, Action Man — an unforgettable moment made all the sweeter because he’d just impaled one of his heavenly arse cheeks on a branch. What a bloke. What a show.

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So as we gird our loins for Shortland Street’s final 2016 episode, let’s remember some important life lessons: never underestimate Chris Warner, always check the fridge magnets, and never, ever double bounce on a giant inflatable. Joy to the world, my friends — or as Leanne would say, YOLO, fo’ shizzle.

The Shortland Street Christmas cliffhanger airs tonight on TVNZ 2 at 7pm

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