A terrifying new epidemic is sweeping the nation and threatening to erode the very foundations of our society. Here’s how to keep yourself and your family safe. 

Today the country has awoken to headlines about a new global threat that is spreading like wildfire through our communities. The Spinoff understands that the epicentre of this epidemic is currently New Plymouth, where a community is “divided” by the public health response. Petitions have been launched, and individuals are raising concerns about the impact these cases will have on the New Zealand way of life. 

“There hasn’t been a space where my boys can enjoy themselves without having to be on alert,” local mother Amy Dixon told Stuff. “We’re never completely comfortable to enjoy ourselves as a family.”

Dixon is one of the civilians raising concerns about the increasing cases of g-string bikinis being detected at public pools. “It was pornographic,” she said of one case spotted during her eight-year-old son’s swimming lesson. “Is that the space we’re in with society now? If so, I’ll find ways to prepare my kids for that. But do we have to do that?”

The moment of exposure has clearly had a impact on Dixon, who remains frustrated enough “after spending a summer at rivers, beaches and the pools” to launch the 100-signature-strong petition in the middle of winter, when g-string cases are scientifically proven to at their lowest reported rate in the community. 

We have already issued this best practice guide for women to exist in public, but that advice has clearly been ignored. The Spinoff understands that summer will eventually return, and we must be prepared for more locations of interest to be identified across the motu. Alas, the director general for health has yet to comment, and Sir Ashley Bloomfield hasn’t answered our calls. 

While we wait for advice from officials, please educate yourself on the following measures to protect your family against g-strings in the community. Feel free to share widely with those who may also be at risk. 

Shut eyes (firmly)

An affordable measure that requires only functioning eyelids and quick reflexes. As seen in The Blair Witch Project (1999) when Heather utters the immortal line “I’m scared to close my eyes, and I’m scared to open them.” The Blair Witch was, of course, wearing a g-string. 

Use hands as shield

A more dramatic response that sends a clear message to the symptomatic, but does risk slightly more exposure. Best pair WITH the eyes shut (firmly) method to ensure one does not expose oneself to an extreme close-up of one’s pornographic hand skin. 

Use a book as shield

But take extra precautions to ensure the book is NOT The Day My Bum Went Psycho, or Captain Underpants, or Gangsta Granny (too many g’s). 

Use shield as shield 

Keep your family safe by issuing each member a 17th century iron shield. With a 60cm diameter, roped edge, sunk border, and a central spike, it’s the perfect line of defence from a time in our history when women dressed much more appropriately. Stay cautious around the “leather gusset”, however, as that is also understood to be a symptom of a g-string. 

Wear shutter shades

Why do you think Kanye West wore shutter shades so much in the late 2000s? Was it a fashion statement, or was he simply protecting himself against reports of an “ass that would swallow up a g-string” in the community? Makes you think. 

Form a huddle

In the chilliest of arctic blasts, emperor penguins form close inward huddles with up to 100 neighbours to protect themselves from the cold. Given that 100 people have signed this petition, we advise that concerned parties adopt a similar formation to protect themselves from the chilling sight of a bum cheek. Note: all parties involved must dress in appropriate levels of PPE  – Prudish People’s Equipment (three piece suit and cumberbund).

Offer a wig

Just as Disney digitally extended Daryl Hannah’s hair to cover her butt in Splash, individuals could consider carrying a range of long wigs to offer women who appear symptomatic. 

Look at solar eclipse

Looking straight at a solar eclipse can cause “solar retinopathy” in which cells at the back of the eye are completely destroyed, and therefore cannot transmit any more images (g-string or otherwise) to the brain. This measure will require isolation until July 22, 2028. 

Stay home, save lives

While you may be tempted to indulge in the New Plymouth’s new poolside bubble machine, the best line of defence is to stay at home in your bubble. Not only can public pools contain cases of g-strings, but The Spinoff understands individuals may also be exposed to other risks such as bare nipples, soaking wet bodies, and people squirting white fluid on one another. Positively pornographic indeed.