Yesterday it was announced that both Stan Walker and Mel Blatt will be returning to the X Factor NZ judges’ table. Ruby Frost and Daniel Bedingfield are still unconfirmed, with Frost selfishly working on her own career and Bedingfield still trapped in a rotating cube with some poor woman.
But we needn’t panic, New Zealand has a wealth of potential judges at our disposal. If Ruby and Danny don’t make it back for Season Two, here are a few candidates that would fit the bill perfectly.
1) Wayne Anderson
Manurewa’s greatest singer has been out of the public eye for a while now, and it’s time that he came back. He famously has an amazingly loud three and a half octave voice, which would make Dominic Bowden’s head explode approximately four seconds into the first episode. He also strongly dislikes singers who rely on microphones, which would really sort the Whitneys from the Britneys. I am 100% certain that he would try to out-sing the contestants at every opportunity, but it’s not like that hasn’t happened before.
2) Joe Cotton
One of New Zealand’s original singing-competition sweethearts, ex-popstar and radio host Joe Cotton would make the perfect judge. She’s talented, sassy, and would definitely become best friends with Mel Blatt. From this friendship would blossom an All Saints/Truebliss supergroup, and the world would be a better place. Maybe.
Anyone who has been watching X Factor Australia will know that LMFAO’s Red Foo is owning the judging table. Just based on hair volume and diamanté glasses alone. He’s sexy, and he knows it. But you know who’s also sexy? His nephew and the other half of LMFAO, Sky Blu. If you think about it, New Zealand is the Sky Blu to Australia’s Red Foo. We are younger, slightly more subdued and way less recognisable to an international audience. If Sky Blu is unavailable, I am also willing to accept the unnamed blonde lady who sings “get up, get down” about 40 times in Party Rock Anthem.
4) Mark Richardson
TV3 could save a lot of money with this one. Just make a cool hologram of Mark and lift his soundbites directly from The Block. His contribution would mostly be telling the contestants to be quiet as to not disturb local residents, and mistaking Dominic Bowden for a piece of 4×4.
5) Jackie Thomas
Obviously. Never forget that Stan Walker is only an X Factor judge because he was an Australian Idol winner. Talent shows have pretty much produced their own self-sustaining eco-system of talent, judges and hosts. Let’s just accept that sooner or later, Jackie Thomas will be a judge. Why wait? In fact, they should run a parallel competition called X Factor NZ: You Be The Judge. Ex-contestants return and battle in quips to see who can be the most charismatic judge. My money would be on Tom Batchelor, actually. Or all of Moorhouse standing on each other’s shoulders and wearing a giant trench coat.
The two mystery judges will be announced in the coming weeks. I’d still like to think that anything is possible.
Auditions for X Factor NZ begin in October.
You can watch X Factor Australia on 3 Now here.
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