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‘Phoney Love’ (cropped) by Michael Leunig in The Age/Sydney Morning Herald
‘Phoney Love’ (cropped) by Michael Leunig in The Age/Sydney Morning Herald

ParentsOctober 24, 2019

Emily Writes: Enough with treating mothers as punchlines and punching bags

‘Phoney Love’ (cropped) by Michael Leunig in The Age/Sydney Morning Herald
‘Phoney Love’ (cropped) by Michael Leunig in The Age/Sydney Morning Herald

Parents editor Emily Writes on everything wrong with Australian cartoonist Michael Leunig’s latest work on motherhood.

Two of the most beautiful and profound friendships I have had in motherhood were conceived in similar ways.

When my son would not stop crying, I developed a habit of walking up and down our steep street. I was so exhausted in those days my hands would shake. I walked past a bus stop where a mother was sitting, weeping quietly. She had her pram too. She was pushing it back and forth as her baby screamed inside.

We sat down together and she started to talk about her incredibly ill foster baby who could not be comforted due to their high health needs. Her baby had come into her life with almost no warning and was suffering withdrawal symptoms from having a very ill mother who could not care for them due to her addiction. She had stepped in; it had been exhausting in incomprehensible, tragic ways.

Another friend admitted to me a year after we had met that she first saw me on “her” crying chair at the park. It was the chair that looked directly at the big slide. When you are so exhausted your vision gets blurry, you can sit on that chair and cry and have privacy while also being able to see your child go up and down the slide, sometimes for hours.

I look back on those days and sometimes all I can remember is the pram and the walking and the feeling like I’m drowning. But I got through it with a supportive community of mothers, some anti-anxiety medication, and a wonderful kindergarten.

Those two friendships and others kept me going – other mothers who so understood the exhaustion, the acceptance and surrender to motherhood not being as you thought it might be due to serious illness or isolation.

So when I first saw Michael Leunig’s cartoon published in Australia’s The Age and Sydney Morning Herald, my reaction was snarky. I’m just fucking sick of men doing this. I’m sick of them treating new mums as punching bags. I’m sick of other mums defending these pigs doing it because they think he might decide they’re good – as if there’s some kind of reward in some misogynist garbage comic with small man syndrome thinking they’re virtuous mothers.

I’m exhausted by other things now despite still having to wake every two hours due to a new diagnosis for my son. I’m not that bone-tired ‘wish I’d have a car accident so I could rest for a few hours’ kind of sleep-deprived anymore. Instead, I’m just fucking tired of men who spend their days piling shit on tired mothers.

I’m sick and tired of their shit about daycare.

I’m sick and tired of their shit about mums with tattoos.

I’m sick and tired of their shit about mothers who protect their children and other children from preventable disease.

I’m sick and tired of their shit about mums looking at their phones.

I’m sick and tired of their shit about helicopter parents.

I’m sick and tired of their shit about mothers these days.

I don’t know how many times I need to say this: suicide is the leading cause of maternal death in our country. The leading cause.

In a 2015 survey on New Mothers’ Mental Health, it found that 14% of respondents met the criteria for EPDS-PND (postnatal depression). Respondents who met the criteria for EPDS-PND were more likely to give responses that indicated greater life difficulties, lower coping self-efficacy, lower social connectedness, more isolation, lower whānau wellbeing, and lower life satisfaction.

“Lower social connectedness”

“Isolation”

We hear this every single fucking day, and it’s like screaming into a void. Because apparently, it’s just so fun to label mothers these days as caring more about their phones than their kids.

It’s not about this comic, or at least it’s not just about this comic. It’s about how many people just don’t give a fuck.

Do you know what I wish? I wish mothers were as loved as people love this fucking guy. I wish mothers were considered beautiful, deserving of support and care. I wish mothers were allowed to spend time on Instagram getting the social connection they need and deserve without judgement.

If only they could parent in the way that mothers have in the past been able to – in a way that is healthy for them and their child. In a way that allows them to be whole human beings who don’t need to tattoo their child’s faces on their inner fucking eyelids lest they miss ONE GOOD DAMN FUCKING CHERISHABLE SECOND OF THEIR CHILD’S LIFE.

Parenting these days is a minefield. Check your phone and you’re a monster. Express any fear or complaint and you’re a shit parent who should be grateful. Do it all, but not too much.

Don’t be angry. Don’t be sad. Don’t be over it. Be everything else but not that.

Be blissfully present every moment of every day.

I wish that mothers could be free from all of that. Instead, they have to contend with some fucking turd shaped human walking past them and rushing home to use his pen as a sword against them.

Mummy wasn’t allowed interaction on Instagram.

Nobody saw her, they saw only her pram.

She struggled to live, unseen and alone.

If only, if only, she was allowed a phone.

Keep going!
Meghan Markle, royal
Meghan Markle, royal

SocietyOctober 23, 2019

Columnists unite to help save women who are doing it tougher than Meghan Markle

Meghan Markle, royal
Meghan Markle, royal

In response to Meghan Markle’s admission that she’s finding it a struggle to be a new mother in the media spotlight, columnists across the globe have banded together to launch a charity to support all those women who ‘have it worse’, Emily Writes can exclusively reveal.

Meghan Markle – duchess, new mum, tabloid punching bag – is just asking for ridicule after admitting she was struggling in a TV interview. Holding back tears, she said that “not many people have asked if [she’s] okay” as she deals with the twin pressures of new motherhood and harsh media scrutiny. “But it’s a very real thing to be going through behind the scenes.”

LOL doesn’t she know she has a castle?

Maybe she doesn’t? Thankfully, columnists all over the world have written breathtakingly banal think pieces to let her know.

Some might say that she has given voice to new mothers struggling with the immense social pressures on them to be perfect. Or that she’s simply saying what many mothers have felt and continue to feel, even if what she’s going through is on a much, much larger scale and she doesn’t face the exact same problems mothers in other countries face.

Some might think she’s brave to make herself so vulnerable in talking about what life is like for many new mothers who feel they can’t do anything right.

Some might suggest talking about the British “stiff upper lip” that’s also such a huge problem in New Zealand is crucial to ending the stigma around internalising your pain and shame.

As wild as it may be, some might even suggest that we should take every opportunity to break the silence mothers feel forced to keep about their struggles, putting them at risk of suicide. Suicide is (as of last statistics available from 2018) the leading cause of maternal death in New Zealand. The Herald reported last year that in the 10 years to 2016, 28 women committed suicide during or within six weeks of pregnancy. Of those, 16 were Māori women.

But those people would be wrong because hate goblin and mostly out of work UK social commentator Katie Hopkins has set the record straight. She said that because there were… umm let me get this right “African women” and “rape survivors” and “children with HIV” in the world, Meghan couldn’t talk about what she’s feeling as a new mum.

Katie Hopkins shouldn’t be confused with New Zealand’s own Kate Hawkesby who criticised Meghan’s “very American, very celebrity response” and suggested that a castle should negate the pain Meghan is experiencing. “Try telling that to a solo mum on a benefit with no staff and no castle – that’s tough.”

Now, you might be cynical and think that these columnists are just trotting out these women to use them as props to take down other women. But that would be wrong and unkind.

Because both KHs have put their money where their mouth is – along with all of the other women columnists who while on deadline decided “I’m rich but that other woman is richer so she’s fair game”.

I’m very pleased to announce they’ve set up a charity to support all of the women who have it worse than Meghan. Because they genuinely care about these women. You might think these women only exist in their orbits to rip into new mothers they don’t like, or that they just use them to pad out columns when they’re on deadline but that’s simply untrue. Shame on you.

The Privilege Fund for African Women, Rape Survivors, Single Mums on Benefits With No Staff and No Castle, and Children with HIV is poised and ready to change lives. The system for funding this cause is a wonderful one. Every time a columnist evokes a group of women for the purposes of bringing down other women, the commission for their column is paid into the fund.

Because surely they’re not just using these women to prove a point – they must be hugely engaged with the communities they’re citing if they’re so easily referencing them in a column to take down another mother.

We’re delighted to say this system has worked seamlessly so far. It currently holds more than $6 trillion dollars in reserve after opening up the automatic donations to include: Racists, people who had no interest in the royals until they “allowed” a “mixed race” woman to join the family, people who the day before her interview insisted there was no such thing as privilege but now say Meghan is privileged, men who hate women, more racists, irrelevant hasbeens who front UK breakfast shows, self-hating women who haven’t yet learned about internalised sexism, competiparents, parents who think taking down other parents makes them better parents, and people on Twitter who jack off to pictures of Prince William’s Bald Spot.

The Privilege Fund for African Women, Rape Survivors, Single Mums on Benefits With No Staff and No Castle, and Children with HIV is doing what Meghan should be doing. It’s using its spokespeople to shine a light on the struggles some women face with post-partum depression and anxiety.

The work of this fund is ensuring women know that no matter their circumstances, they can and should reach out and talk about how they’re feeling.

With a tragic suicide rate claiming our pregnant mothers and new mothers, this fund seeks to say that feelings of inadequacy, shame, or defeat should be shared in the open. It stands vocally against lazy stereotypes about African nations, single mothers, parents of children with serious health issues or parents on benefits shouldn’t be used to silence those women.

We can only thank all of the columnists who highlighted the work of their new charity, thus proving the point that mothers of all walks of life can face tough times. And we are always there for them.

Bravo to all of those brave columnists using their voice to make life that little bit easier for all women, not just some.