Please don’t take this away from us, Governor Carney.
When Christopher Luxon flailed ignominiously through his Monday afternoon in seeking to string together a remotely comprehensible sentence that might articulate New Zealand’s non-position on the US-Israeli bombardment of Iran, it seemed impossible to imagine anyone beating him to the prize of the week’s most pitiable utterance on geopolitics.
But then along came Mark Carney.
Speaking to the Australian parliament in Canberra today, Carney said this: “Let us remember that Australia was the first nation in the world to give women the right to vote and to stand for parliament.”
I can’t be the only one who spat out my all-American-maple-syrup-infused tea over my bowl of California poutine upon hearing that. When Carney delivered his epoch-defining speech at Davos last month, diagnosing a new world order, who knew that the “rupture” he was talking about was really between Canada and New Zealand. Who knew that Heated Rivalry isn’t just the name of a popular US television programme but also what we can expect in Canuckiwi relations from this day forth.
In that “rupture” speech, Carney invoked both Thucydides and Václav Havel, but alas he couldn’t find room for Kate Sheppard, whose petition led to New Zealand becoming the first self-governing country in which women had the right to vote in parliamentary elections.
It’s not that we don’t like Canadians, we do, many of them, eg Katy Perry, are delightful. But we haven’t been this cross with you since you did us dirty over our butter.
Just what, Mr Carney might ask, are we getting so het up aboot? Well, it’s a matter of pride. It’s a matter of historical accuracy. And to be honest our colonial record is not exactly blemish-free so for the love of God don’t take this away from us.
I’d say we should expel the Canadian high commissioner, except that I guess they don’t have one any more since they became the 51st state of the United States of America.
Such is the damage done to Canuckiwi relations, Governor Carney should brace himself. He can expect a thundering rebuke from Winston Peters, our prime minister for world affairs.
Or, better still, in the true and enduring tradition of the two countries, we might just ask, with a bashful mutter, if we might have a polite, wide-eyed apology, and a hug.
