Charge your glasses and gather around for the latest edition of the world’s most coveted footwear-themed political prizes, with your hosts, Toby Manhire and Ben McKay.
Forget boot camps. This is the jandal academy. Affordable, rubbery, and radiating that unmistakable aroma of sea salt and toe sweat, the official ceremony of the Golden Jandals begins now.
The Whiskey Drink Award for Unlikely Diplomatic Incident
Impossible to fault his dapper globetrotting feats as foreign minister, but Winston Peters is recognised here for a comfortingly old-fashioned-feeling diplomatic snafu: the threat by UK anarchist band Chumbawamba to sue him (see also: Bob Carr) for repeated use of the jingle ‘Tubthumping’, famous for its evocative lyrics such as “Pissing the night away /Pissing the night away / He drinks a whiskey drink / He drinks a vodka drink / He drinks a lager drink / He drinks a cider drink”.
The Cunliffe Trophy for Carrying On
Labour under Chris Hipkins has managed to avoid the traditional post-defeat ritualistic disembowelment visited upon New Zealand opposition parties. So far, anyway. The ghost of capital gains taxes past is rattling its chains, and there’s another danger: going on autopilot. That way – as events in Cook Strait and Samoa testify – disaster lies.
The Electric Waka Award for Stormy Weather
Golriz Ghahraman went down. Efeso Collins ascended. James Shaw left. Julie Anne Genter got shouty. Darleen Tana blew up. Marama Davidson got treatment. Not the baptism Chlöe Swarbrick could possibly have imagined in her first year as co-leader. But as they called the random people down the list to tell them “guess what you’re an MP now”, the Greens also performed a dazzling U-turn in an e-bike waka and – after several hundred hours of meetings – invoked the party-jumping mechanism they’d inveighed against for years.
The Cone Smoking Medallion
In a classic Brown v Brown contest, Mayor Wayne triumphs over Minister Simeon for raging against road cones thanks to an audiovisual cri de coeur that captured the cone-loathing moment. Collab with Hana-Rāwhiti Maipi-Clarke imminent. (Simeon wins on that other great demon: potholes.)
The Soy Boy Shield for Most Woke Food
Sushi, obv.
The Google News Scholarship for Independent Advice
Congratulations to Casey Costello, who showed us all that five random articles constitute “independent advice” and will suffice to make decisions about tobacco availability.
The Christopher Luxon Made Me Swallow a Dead Rat in Front of Everyone and it Was Awkward Award
Mark Mitchell, who bodged up prison bed numbers in an excruciating press conference with his boss before returning to fess up.
The Christopher Luxon Made Me Swallow a Dead Rat in Front of Everyone and it Was Awkward Award (2)
This one is for Shane Reti. After a budget when the government failed to fund the cancer drugs they pledged to, the good doctor diagnosed himself a spoonful of humble pie at another joint press conference.
The Christopher Luxon Made Me Swallow a Dead Rat in Front of Everyone and it Was Awkward Award (3)
The recession had pushed the media to crisis – headlined by Newshub’s closure – and the media minister, Melissa Lee, was nowhere to be seen, refusing interviews and stalling on media reforms. She was ordered to do a round of appearances and it goes horribly. She’s sacked soon after.
The Christopher Luxon Made Me Swallow a Dead Rat in Front of Everyone and it Was Awkward Award (4)
This award, which comes in 2024 with the Chilled Out Entertainer Spoon, goes to Andrew Bayly (of course it does), in recognition of his contribution to cringe-dad comedy. The small business minister, who wasn’t drinking, swore at a Blenheim winery employee and called him “a loser” in two languages: English and by spelling an L with his hand and attaching it to his forehead. After a parliamentary grilling and texts with the PMO, outlined in a cringeworthy OIA release, he remembered he had done a wine tasting, after the loser thing. Christopher Luxon replied to his message with a thumbs-up emoji.
The Big Rock Candy Fountain Pen
Christopher Luxon taught us all about the “big rock” theory of leadership – you get the big things done first, then the smaller rocks fit around it – only to reveal that the Treaty principles bill was left till last in coalition negotiations with its cheerleader-in-chief David Seymour. That’s a big rock, prime minister, a big, big rock!
The Death Do Us Part Prize for Marriage Counsellor of the Year
Before the election, David Seymour had said a coalition is like a marriage; Winston Peters had responded by saying there are only two in a marriage, invoking Camilla, Charles and Di. They’d also called each other cucks, et cetera, over the years. The marriage metaphors continue; when the Herald asked Peters about working with Seymour the other day, he said: “I don’t see too many married couples that go around town describing how the marriage is going on, so I’m not going to be talking about that to you.”
Anyway, the point is that given the animus of the past, Christopher Luxon – “struggling”, per Peters – has proved himself a relationship counsellor of the very highest order, the glue man in this marriage à trois.
The Message of the Year Award
In a year that will be remembered for huge demonstrations in defence of the Treaty of Waitangi, the simplest and strongest message came at one of the first gatherings. At January’s national unity hui – convened at his urging – Kīngi Tuheitia told 10,000 attendees: “The best protest we can do right now is to be Māori. Be who we are. Live our values. Speak our reo. Care for our mokopuna, our awa, our maunga. Just be Māori. Māori all day, every day. We are here. We are strong.”
The Misfire Award for Trigger-Happy Criticism
Ginny Andersen apologised to Mark Mitchell after a talkback debate for saying he was “paid to kill people” and asking “did you keep a tally on how many you shot?” Mitchell was a private military contractor during the US-led invasion of Iraq.
Pull Shot of the Year Award
Congratulations to Australian cricketer Usman Khawaja, who revealed a bit of classic lads banter with Christopher Luxon, who had told him Premier House was “condemned”, sparking the prime minister’s “entitled to the entitlements” shocker and quick repayment of an accommodation allowance.
The Absolutely Positively Wellington award for fighting WFH
Nicola Willis, who issued an edict to get public sector workers back into the office, figuring, presumably, that if they couldn’t get the mojo back into the people, they could at least get the people back into Mojo.
The OTOH award for encouraging WFH
Simeon Brown for making public transport pricier.
The Absolutely Negatively Wellington Award
Capital councillors for forcing us to spend way more time thinking about local government than we should have.
The Harvey Dent Award for Winston Peters’ Peak Duality
On a single day in December, the deputy prime minister both banned greyhound racing and claimed credit for ending “woke out-of-touch guidelines” that teach schoolchildren about sex education and consent.
The John Clarke Memorial Prize for Significant Contribution to Political Comedy
Todd Stephenson, the Act spokesperson for arts and culture who couldn’t name a single New Zealand book.
The Glittery Sole Most Golden Jandal Imaginable Award for Politician of the Year
And so to the denouement: the big and bedazzled rubber gong for the politician of the year. In the last two editions of the Golden Jandals, Christopher Luxon took this home, but that run comes to a halt in 2024 and what he would say to you is he gets it.
Instead the winner is – heavens to Betsy, we have a tie! The jandal pair is to be split.
The right jandal is going to the government’s most impressive minister, Chris Bishop, who has reform agendas under way in his three meaty portfolios of housing, infrastructure and planning, all the while adding an unapologetically yimby flavour to the coalition. It was far from inevitable that his boisterous debate-club oppositioning would translate to government but he’s more than proved his policy mettle: across the details, National’s top salesman and campaign chair, and leader of the house, running the show in parliament. Indefatigable.
The left jandal is on its way to Hana-Rāwhiti Maipi-Clarke for tapping the zeitgeist and inspiring a new generation of Treaty defenders. Even before that haka, the youngest Kiwi MP in 150 years was already making waves as the brightest communicator in Te Pāti Māori’s new pack. Her parliamentary response to the Treaty principles bill was certainly standards-breaking, but sometimes it’s worth breaking the rules. The moment of the year and it’s not even close.