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Celebrity NZ Citizenship requirements

PoliticsOctober 30, 2019

NZ citizenship requirements for the rich celebs who want to move here

Celebrity NZ Citizenship requirements

What does a celebrity have to do to get a slice of our paradise?

Like the kid in primary school with the yummiest lunch, everyone wants a piece of New Zealand. More specifically, when Americans (and Brits and Australians) don’t like an election candidate, they threaten to move to New Zealand. The day after George W Bush was re-elected in 2004, New Zealand’s immigration services website was visited 10,300 times by Americans, four times its usual daily traffic. When Donald Trump was elected in 2016, that number jumped to 17,000.

Of the 17,000, more than a few have been popular figures with a lot of money. Some (Silicon Valley entrepreneurs) have already bought land here with the intention of relocating as the world crumbles. With the country’s interests at heart, I’ve established individualised requirements for these immigrants before their big move.

James Comey

Background: Former FBI-director and terrible social media user James Comey alluded to observing American politics “from my new home in New Zealand” if Trump was re-elected in 2020. It appeared to be a joke, but with Comey it’s hard to tell what’s a joke and what’s not. For example, shortly after the release of the Mueller Report, he tweeted a photo of his very tall self standing alone in the woods with the caption, “so many questions”. You just know he thinks the trees will talk back to him after watching The Lord of the Rings. 

Requirements: Never, ever, ever, ever post a photo like this to social media while on New Zealand soil.

Status: I’m confident that Comey would not be able to help himself in the ‘grammable New Zealand forests and therefore his request is denied.

Ed Sheeran

Background: Famous pop star Ed Sheeran has loved New Zealand since before it was cool. He’s talked about his love for the country a number of times over the past decade, culminating in asking the prime minister to help him gain citizenship. Jacinda Ardern’s response was soft, asking only for his take on jandals and pineapple lumps. Sheeran has influence and that influence must be used positively if he is to become a New Zealander.

Requirements: The cost of citizenship for Ed Sheeran is a letter of reference from his close friend Peter Jackson. The letter of reference must include a promise from the director to stop trying to take over the whole of Wellington and to stop influencing law changes that prevent his cast and crews from unionising. Also an ongoing financial contribution to the Women’s Refuge.

Status: Pending withdrawal of Peter Jackson from Wellington Domination Project.

Peter Thiel

Background: Peter Thiel has already been granted citizenship but hasn’t lived in New Zealand for any extended period of time. He owns a lot of land in the South Island and has reportedly built a panic room in which to see out an apocalypse. Thiel is also a billionaire. Did you know that if you earned $5000 a day and worked seven days a week for 500 years and didn’t spend a single dollar, you still wouldn’t be a billionaire? Peter Thiel is a billionaire.

Requirements: The cost of citizenship for Peter Thiel is the sponsorship of 100 refugee New Zealanders. The cost of hosting a refugee New Zealander is approximately $100,000 per year for the first three years. That’s $300,000 per person. That’s $30m total. The cost of that to Peter Thiel, a billionaire, is the equivalent of me donating $12.50 a week to a charity for one year. Equity over equality.

Status: Pending. No one should have that much money.

Matt Lauer

Background: In 2018, former NBC host and personality Matt Lauer paid $18m for Hunter Valley Station, a frankly huge property sitting on Lakes Wanaka and Hawea. In order to maintain the lease on the land, Lauer is required to continually demonstrate that he is ‘of good character’. In 2017, Lauer was fired by NBC after allegations arose of continued sexual harassment of female staffers. It was revealed that Lauer had a button under his desk which allowed him to lock his office door from the inside without getting up. In October 2019, it was reported that one of the earlier allegations of sexual misconduct was an allegation of rape.

Requirements: Do not pass go (New Zealand), do not collect $200, do go directly to jail.

Status: Denied.

Billy Crystal

Background: He was good in When Harry Met Sally and the first time he hosted the Oscars and sitting courtside at LA Clippers basketball games. But is that enough for Billy Crystal to become a New Zealander? Crystal said in 2016 that if Donald Trump won the election he “might consider finding a nice little ranch in New Zealand.”

Requirements: No comedy gags about New Zealand. Never meet Peter Jackson. Must become lifetime courtside supporter (and owner) of the nearest NBL basketball team.

Status: Pending. Likely to be granted as New Zealand Basketball could really do with some money.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Background: Ruth Bader Ginsburg is currently the second coolest politically-minded person in America behind Jane Fonda. In July of 2016, the Supreme Court Justice  joked that her late husband would say “now it’s time for us to move to New Zealand” prior to the general election. At 86, she’s been through the wringer, three different types of cancer, the most recent being two cancerous nodules cut from her lungs. And returning to work in the Supreme Court mere days after fracturing three ribs in a fall. The woman needs to rest. She’s Buck Shelford with a law degree and New Zealand would be lucky to have her.

Requirements: Please don’t die immediately upon arrival.

Status: Granted.

Keep going!
UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, pictured trying to ignore whatever UK PM Boris Johnson was saying (Getty Images)
UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, pictured trying to ignore whatever UK PM Boris Johnson was saying (Getty Images)

PoliticsOctober 30, 2019

Cheat sheet: A general election for Brexit Britain in less than six weeks

UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, pictured trying to ignore whatever UK PM Boris Johnson was saying (Getty Images)
UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, pictured trying to ignore whatever UK PM Boris Johnson was saying (Getty Images)

Once again, Britain is going to the polls in an attempt to dig themselves out of the utter mess they’re in around Brexit. Will this one finally sort it all out? 

What’s all this then?

A dream outcome for those who want nothing more than the chance to see big, dramatic elections: The home of Westminster democracy is going back to the polls.

Didn’t they just have one?

For a country that is meant to hold elections every five years, they’ve been busy, with general elections in both 2017 and 2015.

Does this mean they’ve finally got Brexit out of the way?

Absolutely not. Brexit was meant to happen tomorrow. There were firm commitments from the recent arrival as prime minister, Boris Johnson, that October 31 was the day the UK would leave the EU, with or without a deal, come hell or high water. But a range of parliamentary manoeuvres proved there was no majority to support that position, and now the deadline for Brexit has been extended out to next year. This election is the latest effort to sort out the deadlock.

And how will the election actually do that?

It’s been a turbulent few years, and a lot of MPs are in danger of losing their seats. Since the referendum, dozens of MPs have either switched allegiances, or had “the whip” removed – basically being kicked out for defying the party line. One way or another, the election is meant to give expression to the will of the people, and thus deliver a parliament that will be able to make a firm and final decision.

And will it? 

Doubt it. It’s possible that there will be a massive swing one way or another, and a party will end up capturing a huge share of seats. But party allegiance hasn’t been at all defining for how an MP feels about Brexit – there are Labour leavers and Conservative remainers. And if Brexit is the defining issue for voters, then a roughly equal split of leavers and remainers being reelected is likely, because the country itself remains roughly equally split. Another referendum is also possible, or at least a confirmatory referendum on whatever final deal gets agreed to.

Here’s an indication of how Brexit affected the last UK PM

Where do the polls stand right now?

It’s a very split picture, and some relatively like-minded parties could end up cancelling each other out because of Britain’s antique First Past the Post system. A relatively small number of swing seats could define the outcome. The Conservatives under Boris Johnson will be running very firmly on a pro-Brexit platform, but they could bleed support to the even more brexiteering Brexit Party, led by the Brexit poster boy Nigel Farage. In the recent European elections, the Brexit Party ended up winning the largest number of MEPs.

But it could happen to other parties too. Currently the Liberal Democrats are polling in the high teens to early 20s. They’re by far the strongest remain voice currently in parliament. Labour’s position on Brexit is murky and weird and hard to sum up in a single line, which reflects that their constituents are similarly split. The party is hoping that an election will make voters focus on non-Brexit issues, and the appeal of their socialist-leaning manifesto can carry the party’s fortunes above the mid-20s that their polling currently languishes in.

Is the timing of the election important?

It’s certainly interesting. The election required two-thirds of MPs to vote for it, because of the Fixed Term Parliaments Act, which mandates that elections can only be held every five years. It will also be the first time an election has been held in December – a bloody grim time of the year in Britain – since 1923. And finally, it will be held on the 12th of December, not the 9th, as some sought – that seems like a weird distinction, but basically it was an attempt by the parties with more young supporters to have an election while students were still at university.

Who’s going to win?

At the moment polling strongly suggests the Conservatives will win the most seats, and potentially even a majority. That would almost certainly allow Boris Johnson to “get Brexit done”, as he keeps repeating. But in the 2017 campaign, the Conservatives fell away badly, with Labour and Jeremy Corbyn making huge gains among young voters especially, despite the party being horribly internally divided. It’s still horribly internally divided, Corbyn is still the leader, and there’s still a good chance they could make it happen again.

But moreover, the seat share of other parties will be crucial, particularly regional parties. Currently the government is propped up by the Northern Irish DUP, who have 10 seats and are unlikely to pick up many more. The Scottish National Party have 35, and could go quite a bit higher. The Liberal Democrats have 19, far more than they won at the last election since many remain-supporting defectors have ended up under their banner. The Brexit Party don’t hold any seats right now, but will have a few targets, and could try and do a deal to not stand against the Conservatives in certain key seats. Even the Greens could make gains, from their current solitary seat.


What about the preferred PM stakes?

Boris Johnson has arguably made himself much less popular during his tenure as PM, and is now recording hugely negative personal approval ratings. And with the country at large, Jeremy Corbyn is even less popular. Whoever Britain decides to elect, it’s fair to assume a large majority of the public will hate them.

Could England winning the Rugby World Cup change things?

Come on, they’re not New Zealand. Every English rugby supporter is already a Tory anyway. There was a minor tabloid kerfuffle recently when Corbyn was pictured sleeping on a train while the game against the All Blacks was on.

So the most likely outcome? 

A very hard call, but we’re guessing a minority government, and certainly more likely a Conservative minority government. It’s an incredibly unpredictable picture ahead of us, with the only certainty being six weeks of mayhem.

Politics