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Pop CultureJune 7, 2019

What to watch when you feel like bawling your fucking eyes out

alex (22)

Television doesn’t make your eyes square, but it can make them leak. Alex Casey explains the phenomenon. 

Hear ye, hear ye, I am the town crier of Sobsonville Point, and I hereby decree that there are too many things on television that maketh me weep. As if the horrors of our melting planet and the sad people lurching around on it weren’t enough to keep my tear ducts in overtime, I’m now finding it harder and harder to watch the telly without clocking on for another unpaid shift at the local waterworks.

Sure, confident listicles will boast that crying alleviates stress, releases toxins, kills bacteria and provides a natural, dewy rouge, but sometimes I just want to watch Lego Masters without having to wrestle with my own mortality, you know? Nonetheless, here are some television moments that, in the immortal words of Ashlee Simpson, make me want to wah wah, in the kitchen, on the floor.

Let’s start with the most recent, and perhaps most upsetting ad ever made.

*Before you send me an aggressive e-card, there are no movies on this list because they are TOO long and there are TOO many and I can’t list them all because I will, ironically, CRY.  

The Spark wedding speech

It’s the ad that has caused people to blub in darkened cinemas across the country, because how else does one prepare for the wonder of Aladdin, or the monumental showdown of Endgame, than with a heavy dose of grief? The latest offering from Spark’s Haus of Tears combines all the winning ingredients to make a dense terrine of emotion. A dead parent, a sad vlog from beyond the grave, all topped off with a motherfucking wedding for your nerves.

To quote one crestfallen Twitter user, “the new Spark ad puts the ad in sad.” And to think, it’s basically all to sell some lovely, lovely internet. Wi fi? More like I Cry.

One Born Every Minute

If you often find yourself pregnant (with emotion and/or actual human life), then One Born Every Minute is the tear-jerker for you. Love a mother howling in agony then weeping silently with joy. Love a blubbering father holding a newborn like it’s an ancient Fabergé egg filled with explosives. LOVE a no-nonsense midwife. With a guaranteed three cries an episode, OBEM is one of the divine secrets of the wah wah sisterhood. Get amongst.

The Lotto pirate ship ad

Buying a huge stupid boat like that is a colossal waste of money, she wept.

Lost and Found

One glance at David Lomas’ resplendent bald head and I start to well up, for he is the shepherd of the soul-stirring reunion, the archangel of restoring ancient bonds. Tracking down long lost family members across the globe, Lost and Found is another show guaranteed to melt your heart. If your eyes don’t prick at the thought of two people stoically reconnecting after 40 years apart on a park with nothing more than a gruff ‘how are ya’ then I truly cannot help you. Go to jail actually.

Hilary Barry cries on the news

As much as it makes me chuckle now to remember the time that New Zealand absolutely lost it over the end of Campbell Live (guilty as charged) like we would never ever ever ever see John Campbell again, this very bad quality rip still kills me every time. It’s so pure, such a professional queen reduced to wobbly chin catchy voice warbles like the rest of us mere mortals. We’re all absolute jelly and I absolutely love it. Here’s an extra for experts.

Denny dies on Grey’s Anatomy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFgk9PfjKF8

Absolutely ridiculous and absolutely good. God, what I would give to sob in a stupid ballgown and be cradled like a baby by Dr. Alex Karev. I thought this was the saddest thing to ever happen in a hospital, until someone told me about Offspring season four, episode 12.

Anything David Attenborough

Let us find solace in the fact that all the penguins will be dead soon and therefore they cannot feature in anymore Very Sad TV. And the elephants too, of course. And everything else. Any David Attenborough joint is perfect for an almighty wail, both the circle-of-life elements and the end-of-the-world elements providing the unspeakable, paralysing horrors that make a fun night in.

Tim and Dawn finally kiss

Oh, look it’s only the most romantic and most satisfying end to a TV show in the history of ever, no big deal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After two seasons of teeth-shattering cringe, the great unanswered question was whether or not colleagues and obvious forever-loves Tim and Dawn would a) ever see each other again and b) get together. How perfect for them to finally kiss, in the very same hellhole that brought them together, to a song sung by the same band that David Brent mistakenly answered as a Blockbusters question in season one. THE LAYERS. I weep for the layers.

Jim and Pam get married

Look, it’s not my fault that both of the Offices rip into the human soul better than some of our most prestigious dramas ffs I don’t make the rules!! Yes, the song is absolutely cancelled but this scene still makes my heart swell like a big greedy love drunk pufferfish. If looks could kill, Jim and Pam grinning and shrugging at each other would send me straight to the crematorium.

The Pet Refuge ad

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3LZ9x-MbZw

A rare moment where the tugging at our heartstrings is actually serving a worthy cause and not a big scary corporate or evil gambling agency. Truthfully, I can’t get through it. Donate here.

Any kind of makeover show

Whether it’s Queer Eye or Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, there’s nothing like a good makeover scene. Remember Tom Jackson and his on again off again relationship with Abby? Remember godly saint woman Tammye holding Bobby Berk and telling him “it’s OK”? Remember Ty Pennington, the only man with frosted tips that people are actually happy to see?

Dad leaves the Fresh Prince

Truly I am bluer than the genie himself re: this harrowing television moment.

This is Us

I have never watched a second of this show, but by gum does it look glum. With actual real psychologists weighing in on the show’s emotional toll, and the cast sharing photos of themselves crying along with episodes, this seems like a sure fire way to bawl out big time. 

When June gets separated from Hannah

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4aJzpQVkW_Y

I mean, basically any moment in The Handmaid’s Tale is cause for endless scream-crying, but this one fucked me up big time. To quote a kindred spirit in the Youtube comments, “my heart is crying”. Who would ever separate kids from their parents like that? Oh, wait.

Keep going!
Elisabeth Moss in season three of The Handmaid’s Tale, returning to lightbox tonight.
Elisabeth Moss in season three of The Handmaid’s Tale, returning to lightbox tonight.

Pop CultureJune 7, 2019

The Handmaid’s Tale season three recaps: Bonnets off, ladies

Elisabeth Moss in season three of The Handmaid’s Tale, returning to lightbox tonight.
Elisabeth Moss in season three of The Handmaid’s Tale, returning to lightbox tonight.

In the words of wise old owl Aunt Lydia, good things come to those who wait. Tara Ward recaps the first three episodes of The Handmaid’s Tale season three.

Just as tinned tomatoes arrived in the supermarkets of Gilead, our own personal apocalypse was today blessed with three episodes of a brand new season of The Handmaid’s Tale. Three episodes at once! That’s triple the tension and triple the drama, raining down upon us like a radioactive shower from the colonies that leaves us both refreshed and disturbed.

It’s been nearly a year since we last left June standing alone under a bridge, having turned down freedom to save her eldest daughter. What will June do now that she’s pissed off everyone she knows in Gilead? Will Emily and Nicole make it safely to Canada? Is Aunt Lydia made of stainless steel, and will the Waterfords ever play Scrabble again?

These burning questions have corroded my stomach lining for long enough, so let’s dive back into this beautiful nightmare to discover the answers.

Elisabeth Moss in season three of The Handmaid’s Tale.

Episode 1: ‘Night’

June packed so much into this opening hour of season three that may the Lord open a soothing face mask and a Lush bath bomb for her ASAP. Some days it takes me an hour to put my pants on, but in the same time June managed to break into the McKenzies, spend time with a sleeping Hannah, get captured, reunite with the Waterfords and then watch their house burn to the ground.

What a day! What a time to be alive! June also washed some floors, a task I haven’t achieved since 2008, so I take my bonnet off to her.

This premiere episode was a typical Handmaid’s Tale rollercoaster of emotion. One minute June was preparing to snatch Hannah and hoon it over the Canadian border, the next she’s having a bizarre conversation about Golden Doodles and allergies. “You know this ends with you dying on the ground in front of her,” Mrs McKenzie tells June. Mrs McKenzie’s a right barrel of laughs, golden doodle or no.

June’s not the only one having a shitter of a time. Serena’s lost both a baby and a finger, and nobody’s stoked to see June back.  But the Waterfords have bigger problems, because a furious Serena set the house on fire which means the Commander will have to order a new Scrabble board and honestly, we’re never going to hear the end of it.

As the Waterford’s house lies in ashes, June is sent to the Red Centre to be punished. She learns Emily and Nichole made it to Canada, and discovers her new posting is the home of DUN DUN DUN old mate Commander Lawrence. “You’re not going to be any trouble, are you?” Lawrence asks June.

Let’s bloody well hope so.

If you haven’t watched episode two, go and watch it on Lightbox right here before continuing on!

Elisabeth Moss in season three of The Handmaid’s Tale.

Episode 2: ‘Mary and Martha’

Blessed be the tinned tomatoes, because Aunt Lydia has risen from the dead. She’s the Chumbawumba of Gilead, because she gets knocked down and she gets up again, and never suggest otherwise or she’ll cattleprod that shit right out of you. Aunt Lydia’s here for a long time, not a good time, much like those tinned tomatoes.

Aunt Lydia’s right to be suspicious about Commander Lawrence, whose home is a hotbed of underground resistance. June’s stoked, and volunteers to dress as a Martha to help move a bomb-maker closer to the war front. Things take a dangerous turn when an injured Martha turns up just as the Lawrence house is being searched, and when she dies, a furious Lawrence makes June dig the grave.

It’s hard to know what to think about Commander Lawrence. On one hand, he helped Emily escape and took June to the McKenzies. On the other, he’s a bit of a shit. I mean, he was nice enough to President Bartlett in TheWest Wing, he can’t be all that bad, right? Right?!

Over the border, Luke struggles to look after baby Nichole. Emily’s reluctant to contact her wife, partly because her doctor told her to watch her cholesterol but mostly because she’s worried she won’t get her happy ending. Look, I know this is The Handmaid’s Tale, but please for the love of all things red and capey can we have one happy ending? We need great big snotty tears of artery thinning happiness, please and thank you.

Finally, may we tip our bonnets to Mrs Lawrence, whose ‘madwoman in the attic’ routine seems to be a cunning rouse. She’s actually got her finger firmly on the dystopian pulse, so let’s salute both her and her green thumbs.

If you haven’t watched episode three, go and watch it on Lightbox right here before continuing on!

Yvonne Strahovski in season three of The Handmaid’s Tale.

Episode 3: ‘Useful’

Also known as “The One Where June Gets A Lot of Visitors”, this episode marked the turning point for June and Serena. The gender battle lines were drawn, as June entertained the company of Commander Waterford, Nick and Serena Joy, plus a truckload of man-children with shriveled up raisins where their souls used to be.

It was a right old sausage fest as Gilead’s commanders gathered at Lawrence’s to decide how to best continue their obliteration of women from the human race. Some reckoned a “salvaging” would be a cracker idea, while Lawrence preferred to publicly humiliate June to prove women were “useful”. Waterford warns June that Lawrence “doesn’t like to be bored”. Ugh. Waterford is definitely a shit.

But he’s a shit with power, and when June calls him on it, Lawrence takes her to a giant cage where hundreds of women wait to be sent to the Colonies. June refuses to choose which of the women should become Marthas rather than being sent to die, and Waterford gets the upper hand by proving that having autonomy isn’t as cool as June thinks it is.

In other news, Nick announces he’s being sent to the front, and a miserable Serena Joy visits June to grieve the loss of Nichole. June realises they’ll need allies with power to break Gilead down. “We cannot count on them,” June tells Serena, referring to the Commanders. “They hate us”. June takes up Lawrence’s offer and selects five new Marthas for the resistance: a lawyer, a journalist, an engineer, an IT Tech and a thief.

Serena and June make their choice. “We’ll be coming for you,” June says. “Just wait”. Blessed be the fight.

You can watch The Handmaid’s Tale on Lightbox right here, and find all of our coverage of the show here.

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