For the past three decades, there’s only been room for one Dr Love in Ferndale. Until now.

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In its 32 glorious years, Shortland Street has given us a cornucopia of memorable celebrity cameos. We’ve had Ed Sheeran strumming his guitar in the IV, Rachel Hunter asking for change at reception, and even Hils Baz filming a Seven Sharp crossover episode. But last night, we saw the cameo to end all cameos, when American comedian Conan O’Brien made a brief but thrilling appearance on our longest-running soap.

O’Brien was visiting Aotearoa to film his travel series Conan O’Brien Must Go and, as well as popping into Shortland Street, he joined a world record haka attempt, hung out in Lyttelton and surprised two Christchurch fans. It’s not the first time Shortland Street has been popular with American late night talk show hosts, but after seeing what unfolded last night, no other celebrity appearance has ever been this deliciously absurd. The scene may have only lasted two minutes, but it was powerful enough to destabilise everything Shortland Street holds dear.

O’Brien played Aiden Archer, a visiting American doctor and an old foe of Dr Chris Warner’s. Their reunion was awkward. Chris asked Aiden if he was still a doctor, despite Aiden wearing purple scrubs and standing in a hospital. Aiden called “Chrissy” and revealed he’d come “down under” for a “woman”. Warner nodded. He understands better than anyone that the suction power of a good woman can pull grown men across both hospitals and hemispheres.

In this brief moment, under the fluorescent lights of publicly funded healthcare, time fell away. The longtime frenemies were now hornbags united – until Archer uttered seven words that would shatter Chrissy’s heart into a million little pieces.

“They don’t call me Dr Love for nothing.”

For the past three decades, there’s only been room for one Dr Love in Ferndale. This was a battle of l’amour. Who did this new Dr Love think he was, sauntering into town with his exotic accent and a swagger that just won’t quit?

We’ll never know, because things took a surprising turn. Yes, Archer was still jumping out of planes in his spare time, but he’d found a new hobby. “I’ve also gotten into bears lately,” he revealed. You heard him right: he’s gotten into bears. “Sometimes they don’t want to die, but there’s something about a bear’s flesh on my skin, that’s just…” The new Dr Love paused, trying to find the words to express whatever the hell was going on here. He sighed and looked skyward. “It’s a rush.”

Chris Warner may have been divorced five times, attacked, shot, framed for murder, assaulted, and fallen off a flying fox, but he has never murdered a bear and nestled into its dying flesh. A life half lived is no life at all Chrissy, which is probably why Warner quickly decided his only option was to distract Archer from whatever batshit thing was going to come out of his mouth next.

Dr Warner had a medical quandary, and old mate bear killer was the only one who could help.

What followed was like no other Shortland Street conversation we’ve seen. Over the next 60 seconds, the two Dr Loves unleashed a spectacular barrage of complicated medical terminology at one another, batting “hypoparathyrodism”, “pseudohypoparathydoism” and “pseudopseudohypoparathyrodism” back and forward like a magnificent game of big word ping pong.

Their eyes locked as their tongues twisted excitedly over hypocalcemia, hyperphosphatema and persistent paresthesia. No consonant was safe, no condition left unsaid. It was like they were each other’s mirror. Before our very eyes, the two Doctor Loves were merging into one.

But what of the poor creature who ailed in the bed behind them, her medical future resting in the soft hands of two men with giant egos and even bigger hair?

Her name was Tracey. She was definitely not a bear, but one of Chrissy and Aiden’s favourite things: a woman. “I had a girlfriend named Tracey once,” Archer sighed, as he led Chrissy into Tracey’s room. The pair were now joined in medical matrimony, with Love being the winner on the day. The scene was complete. Conan O’Brien’s astonishing two minute performance was over, but frankly, the questions had just begun.

Shortland Street streams on TVNZ+ and screens Monday-Friday on TVNZ2 at 7pm.