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Pop CultureOctober 26, 2015

TV: Shortland Street Power Rankings, 26 October – Love in a Hardware Store?

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Tara Ward brings you this week’s Shortland Street Power Rankings, highlighted by Ferndale’s own Rawshark, Dayna finding love in a hardware store and a diagnostic demon in ED.

1. Damo is Dick of the Week

Damo was batshit crazy this week and Shortland Street was all the better for it. Jealous of Chris’ superior wealth, intellectuality and hair volume, Damo hacks into Chris’ email and signs him up for multiple Eastern European brides.

Hilarity ensues! Dr Warner is ridiculed by colleagues and acquaintances! His reputation is in tatters!

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Chris reckons Damo is the cause of his distress. “My hacker is the definition of dick. If you look up dick in the dick-shonary, there’s his picture.’

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Chris’ dictionary also notes that ‘dick’ is Shortland Street’s most over-used insult of the year; indeed, the dick is everywhere. What popular affront will 2016 bring us? Tosser? Bell-end? Berk?

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Damo takes great pleasure seeing Chris stranded in technological wilderness with neither a Russian bride nor IT specialist to assist him. But when Mo attempts to act as peacemaker, Damo mistakes Mo’s gentle, calm approach as plain old pants-filling harassment.

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Scared witless by the two Hannah thugs, Damo flees to the safe haven of the IT basement. I’ve no idea where his office is, but aren’t all IT departments in subterranean caves near the earth’s core? If not, they should be.

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Best running exit, ever. Damo for Prime Minister.

2. Stevie settles in with the super dooper Coopers

Blimey, only one week old and already this kid flies straight to #2 on the rankings.

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After a dramatic arrival, Stevie hopes for some quiet time at home with some quality feeding and crying. Sadly, her tool of a father has other ideas.

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Yep, that’s a moment Stevie will look back on fondly. Jimmy aside, the love at the Cooper house overflows like jaffas rolling down Baldwin Street, as Wendy and Bella celebrate the endurance of the recessive red-haired gene in the new generation.

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Stevie decides to liven things up and stops breathing for a second or two — just for long enough to put the shits right up her parents. “Just jokes,” she cries at the hospital after they get the all clear. “If you think this is terrifying, just wait until we start toilet training”.  

3. Dayna falls for her perfect knob

Dayna needs a knob. She discovers the perfect one at the local non-branded hardware store (totally a Bunnings, btw). He’s dark, brooding and oozes hipster chic from every slightly grubby pore.

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Pheromones aren’t the only thing flying. Bewitched by this unexpected vision of flannel and follicles, a distracted Dayna knocks a staff member off a high ladder. If only she’d met The Knob in the soft Pink Batts aisle.

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Of course, The Knob is great in a crisis. He rotates the patient’s head like it’s a bladder on a stick and shouts, “DON’T MOVE HIM IT’S DEFINITELY A SPINAL INJURY’. Such carry-on suggests The Knob’s medical training was purchased over the phone during a Good Morning infomercial segment.

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Alas, Dayna’s Knob disappears before they can enjoy a quick pash among the cisterns and s-bends. Will we ever see The Knob again?

4. Esther diagnoses an acute case of try-harditis

TK’s niece is the new House Surgeon at Shortland Street. Her job mostly involves diagnosing slightly sick people with fatal illnesses and being yelled at by her uncle.

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Way to go, Esther! Some people work their whole lives without being yelled at by their superiors, but you managed it on your first week.

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Esther is young and desperate to impress. TK is a grumpy bugger who wants her to know he’s in charge. The result is peak family conflict, so it’s no wonder Esther and Kylie have to practice their tae kwan do or whatever the heck that weird exercise thing is.

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Look at this face, TK. Have a heart and cut the girl some slack, for the sake of future peaceful Samuels Christmases.

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5. Victoria embraces her inner wisdom

Victoria is a beacon of love and light amongst a low-lying fog of infected breast implants. Drew’s underage boob job operation continues to haunt him like a catchy Justin Bieber melody, and it’s up to the ever-chirpy Victoria to keep him motivated.

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Prepare yourself, Drew, as Victoria offers some advice to blow your mind. “Nobody likes a whinger,” she proclaims. So speaks an expert with first hand experience.

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Join us next week for more of Victoria’s pearls of wisdom, such as ‘smiling gives you wrinkles’ and “thunder only happens when it’s raining’.

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6. Drew does the harem shuffle

Rachel won’t let Drew play with his toys until he’s cleared by the Medical Council. Until then, he surrounds himself with his harem of nurses so they can remind him how amazing he is.

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But Drew has bigger worries to face. The father of the underage boob job arrives at Shortland Street, ready to swing for the “smug ponce” who operated on his teenage daughter.  

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What a week that was, filled with twists and turns, ups and downs, dicks and knobs.

Let us hope that Stevie settles down, that Esther successfully diagnoses a rare disease, and that Kylie treats us to another impression of a confused Russian Bride. But most of all, let’s cross our fingers that Dayna finds her Knob—because everyone deserves to have a Knob in their life, right?


Click here to watch Shortland Street on TVNZ Ondemand

This content, like all television coverage we do at The Spinoff, is brought you thanks to the excellent folk people at Lightbox. Do us and yourself a favour by clicking here to start a FREE 30 day trial of this truly wonderful service.

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Group ThinkOctober 23, 2015

Television: The Spinoff’s TV Week – HDPA Buys a Gun, Peter Williams Rides a Glideboard

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HDPA gets fired up over firearm rules

It started with a hidden camera sting exposing a dodgy real estate practice, a fearsome Heather Du Plessis-Allan doorknock and Duncan Garner cutting off a home detention bracelet. TV3’s Story returned to its early roots on Wednesday with its boldest bit of proactive stunt journalism yet, when Heather Du Plessis Allan bought a gun. She bought it online despite not having a gun licence, using a fake name and quoting a made-up licence number. “It was way too easy,” said Garner. “We think that the rules [around buying firearms online] need to be tightened up and tightened up quick smart.”

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We were ushered inside Du-Plessis-Allan’s strangely normal home – mismatched cushions, exercycle, Sky decoder next to an open sewing box – where the courier delivered her new three-hundred dollar .22 caliber rifle. “It’s arrived. I can’t actually believe that this has actually arrived,” she beamed. Christmas had come early in the form of a slam dunk story. We went to David Tipple, millionaire owner of Gun City, who had sold the gun. He put his head in his hands and groaned, “this is so bad.” Then he came out swinging, saying Du Plessis-Allan had broken the law and promising to bring her down with a private prosecution. Meanwhile, police announced they would immediately enforce new rules to tighten up online firearms purchases.

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It was a battle won for HDPA, and for what looks to be becoming Story’s signature style of journalism – sharp, righteous and instantly gratifying stings in contrast to Campbell Live’s deep, patient campaigns. But should Gun City’s David Tipple go ahead with his prosecution promise, who will win the war?

Peter Williams goes Back to the Future

On the same day that Marty McFly travelled to in Back to the Future, Peter Williams – who started working at TVNZ six years before the movie was released – rode a hoverboard. Well, it was a ‘Glideboard,’ but close enough. Weirdly the two events were not linked – the Glideboard was brought into Breakfast for a segment by ‘Gadget Guy’, who, along with fellow chaperone Sam Wallace, led Williams on a strange and uneasy dance around the studio floor.

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“Do you feel like you’re mastering it?” asked host Nadine Chalmers-Ross. “No, not at all,” was Williams’ tight-lipped answer. “I feel completely and utterly out of control.” This was almost certainly the closest the distinguished broadcaster has ever come to being on drugs. “It’s pretty freaky though… seriously freaky.” Let him off!

This was not a good advertorial for the Glideboard. Earlier, a barefoot Chalmers-Ross fared even worse than Williams. She glided helplessly over Gadget Guy’s toes, veered violently to her right as soon as she finally set two feet on the board, and only narrowly avoided a Healthy & Safety disaster with her dismount.

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John Oliver shows NZ’s dick pic to the world

If there’s one thing New Zealanders love it’s when our funny little country gets a mention on an overseas TV show. Luckily(?) John Oliver seems to be developing a mild obsession with our Prime Minister, resulting in what must be an unprecedented level of New Zealand mentions of late – first the ponytail debacle, then the flag debacle, and now his interview on the Hauraki breakfast show, where he weighed in on topics as diverse as whether the Virgin Mary was really a virgin (“no”), if he wees in the shower (“yes”), and whether he had ever sent a dick pic (“no,” but note the word ‘sent’ – this doesn’t completely rule out the possibility he may have taken one).

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“I actually think the only time he might have lied is during the dick pic question,” speculated Oliver, “because of course he has sent one, and I’ll tell you why…” Oooh this is gonna be good. “When you are Prime Minister John Key, every pic is a dick pick.” (Click here to watch the collected works of John Key on the John Oliver Show)

Cryogenically frozen TV show from 1983 returns

Saturday night saw the rebooted University Challenge return for another season on Prime, this year promoted to a plum 7:00pm slot. Defending champions the University of Canterbury had no trouble whatsoever in seeing off the challenge from the University of Waikato team. The show remains remarkably unchanged from its 80s origins, and therein lies its charms, writes Duncan Greive:

University Challenge is not The Block, My Kitchen Rules or The Bachelor. It is not even the deeply 70s Dancing with the Stars. It’s simply a quiz show, with a new cast of oddball brainiacs each week, thrust under hot lights with their most mildewy general knowledge challenged in a sporting setting.

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Despite its age, it is not broken, and does not need fixing. Host Tom Conroy might be the most old-fashioned thing about the setup – he betrays little humour or affection for the participants. No joking, no allowing slipups to slide. If he’d been in charge of Scotland versus Australia Cheika’s mob would be on a plane. His rigour is commanding, his authority absolute.” (Click here to read the full review).

Watch: Funny Girls on TV3 at 10:00pm Friday – The final piece of TV3’s Friday night comedy Death Star is finally about to be put in place. (Click here to read Duncan Greive’s feature about watching the show being made).

Binge: Lipstick Jungle on Lightbox – the lesser-known Candace Bushnell TV adaptation, following Sex and the City, is a “ridiculously watchable” guilty pleasure of Sam Brooks. (Click here to read his overview of the show).

Movie: Austin Powers 2: The Spy Who Shagged Me on TV2 at 8:55pm on Saturday – Enjoy the long weekend with a truly shagadelic masterpiece.


This content, like all of our television coverage at The Spinoff, is brought you thanks to the truly wonderful people at Lightbox. Do us and yourself a favour by clicking here to start a FREE 30 day trial of this amazing service.