Image: Tina Tiller
Image: Tina Tiller

Pop CultureSeptember 28, 2022

Celebrity Treasure Island power rankings, week four: What’s in the monolith?

Image: Tina Tiller
Image: Tina Tiller

It’s week four of New Zealand’s favourite reality show, and the arrival of a giant ancient structure has sent the game into a frenzy. 

There’s one word on everyone’s lips this week: monolith. Or is it monolisk? Or monolift? Or monowhiff? No wait, that’s just the dead possum. A giant ancient stone structure has been plopped on the island and nobody knows what it is or what it wants. Some say it is a new toilet, others say it is an escape room, a certain Dame thinks it is a peep show. Whatever (or whoever) is inside it, we’re going to have to wait another whole week until it is revealed. If it is the Blue Penguin from The Masked Singer NZ, I’m going to be absolutely ropeable.

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Self-eliminated: Cassie Roma

In yet another twist in this endless Coca-Cola Corkscrew Coaster of emotions, Cassie Roma chose to eliminate herself from the competition to spend more time with her family at home. “Last year all I’ve been doing is packing my bags and leaving my kids,” she said through tears, “I hope when Alex watches this back, she sees she has made me a better Mom.” You’re welcome, Cassie. 

Sent home: Lynette Forday

Raise your kaftans high in the air for a real one. Lynette was the cheese to Dame Susan’s chalk, the champagne to her beer, the Joker to her Batman. It was only right that she was knocked out by the Dame herself in a fierce elimination battle that most closely resembled a toddler’s puzzle. 

The rest

14. Perlina Lau

Wherefore art thou???? I miss last week when you were all “note” this and “note” that. I miss us :(

13. Te Kohe Tuhaka

Our forensic team managed to find one moment from this week where Te Kohe wasn’t dominating the conversation and/or talking about Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Jokes, love u TK.

12. Cam Mansel

He might be playing the ditz for now, but I think Cam secretly contains more surprising depth than a monolisk heaving with giant earwigs. 

11. Shim Shady

Call me naive, but I genuinely believe there is nothing shady about Shim Shady. He is just so stoked every day to be there. 

10. Dylan Schmidt

Three words: Female. Body. Inspector. You know what else has the acronym FBI? F. BOY. ISLAND. Jokes, love u Dylan. Please don’t double bounce me.

9. Karen O’Leary

While everyone else is bothered with “the game” and “strategy” and “what is contained with in the hulking great monolith”, Officer O’Leary has another concern – are her Tim Tams now a shade darker than they used to be? At least someone’s got their priorities straight on this godforsaken island. 

8. Elvis Lopeti

For the third time this week Elvis went “head over biscuit” during a challenge, but picked himself right back up again and kept twerking through the pain. Also, as soon as the tribes merged, he spilled each and every bean of piping hot gossip over a piping hot meal of rice and beans. 

7. Melodie Robinson

Mel knows when it is time to step up and time to sit back, and had a quieter week. But let’s not forget that she is working closely with the “rugby code” alliance and the “Spice Girls” alliance. The devil works hard, but Melodie Robinson works harder. 

6. Dr Joel Rindelaub

Everyone is terrified of Joel this week after he unravelled his PhD to reveal his groundbreaking scientific findings that “mono” means “one”. Who knows what else this man is capable of? 

5. Siobhan Marshall

Queen of all Alliances, whether she knows what she is doing or not. 

4. Ron Cribb

Ron Cribb, aka Thanos, is absolutely everywhere in this game. He’s swapping notes with Dylan, forming alliances with Mel, and splitting his boardies on a see-saw to get his team the W. At this point, I wouldn’t even blink if they crack the monolith open and somehow Ron Cribb is inside it. The man is just that good.

3. Courtenay Louise

Courtenay Louise is so hellbent on representing women in the finale that I am slightly scared she is going to accidentally eliminate all the other women in the competition!!!! But you know what they say: you can’t shatter the glass ceiling without getting rid of Lynette Forday. They literally always say that. 

2. Jesse Tuke

There’s been a lot of King shit on the island so far, but this week Jesse delivered KING SHIT. During the first Celebrity Treasure Island Games, where contestants were forced to play as individuals for the first time, Jesse gave up his lead to go and help Karen O’Leary because she was stuck under a log like a frightened turtle. Not only did he #FreeKaren, but he went on to regain his lead. I’ll have what he’s having (a thick mask of zinc, every single day). 

1. Dame Susan Devoy

Just when you think Dame Susan Devoy cannot get any weirder, she goes and talks about jelly wrestling, foo foo valves and whether or not the monolith actually contains a peep show. All while casually decimating Lynette Forday in a puzzle challenge and barely breaking a sweat. “Jesus Christ it’s Celebrity Treasure Island mate, not the world champs,” she said. Indeed.

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