I leave every social interaction cringing at my own behaviour. How do I stop being so insufferable?

Want Hera’s help? Email your problem to helpme@thespinoff.co.nz

Dear Hera,

I’m writing you this off the back of a meeting in which I was the most annoying person alive. I don’t know what it is about me. I could tell you that it is so annoying when you are in a meeting and someone goes off agenda, derailing the whole thing. I get annoyed at others when they interrupt people. I hate it when people yabber incessantly or say they have a question but just state an opinion. But I still do all these things all the time! 

I leave social interactions cringing at all the things I said and all the cues I clearly missed. I do take some comfort in knowing at least I’m not a white man so people hopefully view my assertiveness as purposeful instead of the major character flaw it actually is.

Is this a common feeling? Is everyone constantly holding their tongues so that they are not the only ones talking 100% of the time, or am I alone in my insatiable need to take up space?

How do I become one of those people who listen instead of talk? How do I stop being so insufferable?

Help!

Chatty Cathy

Dear CC, 

I cannot wait for everyone reading this to email me asking “Is the writer of the letter a woman called [common female name] who works at the [geographical region] [place of employment] 👀👀👀?” (My lips are sealed.)

First of all, thank you for this extremely funny letter. While not everyone will relate to being a chronic yabberer, everyone has annoying traits. Most of us probably don’t even know what our most annoying traits are, and for that, we should all count our blessings. I definitely don’t think your problem is ubiquitous. I often have the opposite problem and hear myself zoning out mid-conversation and saying increasingly banal things like “well a good lawn mower is expensive” to fill the ever-widening silence. 

I love a freelance yapper. Some people are born to talk shit, and although they might exceed their recommended daily word limit, there is such a thing as a natural conversationalist, who cannot help but derail every social interaction with fascinating but unrelated anecdotes about their new side hustle building hammocks for mice, or the time their uncle tried to rob an aquarium. I personally feel these people bring a little cheer into an otherwise boring existence. Having said that, we all know a few extremely dull people who will take any opportunity to discuss their daughter-in-law’s distended bowels at length.  

The first step to being less annoying is recognising you have a problem. Of course, you could be totally delusional. There’s always the possibility that you’re making lots of valid and meaningful contributions to the work meeting and everyone is deeply grateful for your input. If you’re simply pointing out things that need to be said and you find you need to be assertive in order to get your point across, I would urge you not to worry about it. 

But if you constantly find yourself nervously derailing every work meeting with pointless anecdotes about how much you hate bees, or which yoghurt flavour gives you the worst gas, perhaps it’s time to reassess your conversational strategy. 

The first thing you need to do is figure out what’s going on for you. 

Did you grow up in a house of overtalkers and have to constantly interrupt everyone in order to be heard? How comfortable are you with silence? Are you like this in every social interaction, or is it worse at work? Do you feel listened to in other aspects of your life?

Are you getting trapped in an anxiety spiral, by saying something you fear is dumb, and then quickly saying something else to cover up the last dumb thing you said? 

When you hear yourself talk, do you usually feel like you’re trying to subconsciously defend/explain yourself? Or do you have very powerful opinions that are hard for you to hold back? 

I think knowing where the “yapping” comes from is probably the first step to meaningfully addressing the issue. If you’re feeling lonely or unheard, perhaps there’s another way to get that need met, whether that’s in therapy, writing a diary, or scheduling a gossip with friends. If you’re deeply uncomfortable with silence, maybe meditation would help. If this is a family/culture issue, you probably just need to practise better conversational etiquette while you’re in a professional context. 

Next time you feel it happening, see if you can pinpoint the emotional trigger and start developing an awareness of when it happens and why. The more you notice yourself interrupting, the easier it will be for you to stop. 

It’s never a waste to learn to become a better listener. I feel like a common “chatty Cathy” archetype is a person who feels intensely socially anxious, overshares to compensate/explain their behaviour, and then leaves every conversation feeling exposed and humiliated. The best antidote to this is to practise hardcore listening skills. Develop an intense curiosity in those around you. Practice redirecting the attention away from yourself, and back towards the person talking. 

Pretend you are a freelance talk show host, and the person you are chatting with is Hollywood behemoth Tom Cruise. People love talking about themselves, and the more you can draw someone else out, the less embarrassed you’ll leave these interactions feeling. There are lots of resources out there on how to improve your listening skills, and you can probably find them by googling “how to improve my listening skills.” 

HOWEVER. This advice is strictly off the clock. The last thing you want to do is drag a compulsory work meeting out by asking a lot of nuanced questions about the ins and outs of houseboat ownership, while everyone else is dying to get away and have a quick fag. 

Until you develop a deeper understanding about why this is happening, here are some practical tips for shutting up in the moment, gleaned from spying on relevant “oversharing” Reddit threads: 

• Carry an enormous bottle of water, and every time you want to say something take a big sip instead. You may end up needing to pee every 15 minutes, but your skin will be glowing and healthy. 
• If you need to say something, try using a calm and authoritative tone. I have no proof that this will help, but if your problem is related to anxiety, trying to project a calm demeanour can sometimes help relax you. 
• Take notes at meetings. Not only will this keep you occupied, but if you write down your thoughts before you say them aloud and sit with them for a moment, you might feel less compelled to blurt them out. 
• Gamify your problem. Allow yourself 50 syllables per meeting. Distribute them wisely. 
• If all else fails, cover your mouth with your hand, like Rodin’s thinker.

Ultimately, it’s hard to know if you really have an issue, so if you have any friends you really trust, it might be worth asking them for a reality check. 

But if you’re naturally a yappy person, don’t sweat it. Some people just have the gift of the gab, and I would hate for you to go prematurely mute if your talking isn’t actually a problem. The goal isn’t to shut you up. The goal is for you to walk away from social interactions feeling confident in your contribution, instead of embarrassed and anxious. 

I think you should use your conversational prowess for good. Write a gossipy email. Visit a retirement home, and find a lonely fellow prattler. Call a talk-back radio station and tell them what you really think about your local traffic intersection. As long as you can hold it in when the situation calls for silence, there’s nothing wrong with letting loose every now and again. 

Good luck!