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Image: Tina Tiller with photos from Watercare.
Image: Tina Tiller with photos from Watercare.

SocietyJanuary 27, 2024

One year on from the Auckland Anniversary floods

Image: Tina Tiller with photos from Watercare.
Image: Tina Tiller with photos from Watercare.

Today marks one year since the catastrophic floods in which four people died, many lost their homes, and the infrastructure of the city was broken. How has the city changed since then?

When the heaviest rainfall ever recorded in Tāmaki Makaurau crashed down on January 27 2023, the city was woefully unprepared. Roads turned to rivers, parks turned to lakes, cars were washed away and water rushed into homes. People were confused and terrified. Official communication channels were silent, and instead TikTok informed people as the rain pounded down. Slips cut residents off in Muriwai, Piha and Karekare. The airport flooded, trapping thousands of people inside. People walked for hours in the rain because there was no other way. Four people died, and emergency rescue staff were pushed to breaking point. It was carnage. Then barely three weeks later, Cyclone Gabrielle arrived. 

“The Auckland Anniversary Floods were an important wake-up call,” said mayor Wayne Brown in a statement on Friday, implying the sleep that comes before waking. He says he’s proud of the “long overdue” work done across council groups since. The immediate emergency response by officials has been much criticised, as being too slow and inadequate. Now that’s over and we’re in the recovery phase. Experts have reviewed, money has been allocated, and a year has passed, so how is the city doing now?

Auckland Transport is building back better

Auckland’s deadly deluge highlighted how unprepared the city is for extreme weather, as its transport network was stretched to its limits. Public transport routes were closed or detoured, and cars that weren’t underwater were stuck in absurd traffic. For example, a normally 20-minute drive from Mount Smart stadium to Newmarket took more than three hours. Following the floods, millions of dollars worth of repairs were necessary to fix the city’s transport infrastructure, and some are still ongoing. 

Auckland Transport’s infrastructure and place director Murray Burt explains that AT is still recovering from the floods which, alongside Cyclone Gabrielle, caused 2000+ issues. One year on, “we’ve made some good progress on fixing over 75% of these sites,” he says,” but there’s a lot left to do.” That includes 430 road repairs still to go. While Burt says they’re trying to minimise disruption, he admits that some repairs “are very complex, and it won’t be until the end of 2025 before most of these are complete.” 

Alongside their extensive repair programme, AT has also made essential routes more resilient. Burt explains: “Though our flood repair programme is focused on recovery, we are taking the opportunity to build back better where we can.” One example is North Shore’s Glenvar Road, which “required an extensive rebuild, and now has improved pedestrian safety and a much stronger road foundation that will allow it to last into the future.”

a section of damaged road reduced to one lane near Tititrangi
A section of damaged road reduced to one lane near Tititrangi in July 2023. (Image: Shanti Mathias)

As well as rebuilding infrastructure, AT has updated its protocols for emergency situations. The floods necessitated faster, more reliable and more consistently accurate real-time transport service information, which has continued since. As well as collecting practical experience and data to inform responses to future extreme weather, staff gained experience in improving contingency planning across Auckland’s transport network – for example, proactively monitoring vulnerable areas. 

Armed with lessons from the Anniversary Weekend floods, AT is confident it can provide better guidance to operators and customers in the future. The experience also holds warnings for transport organisations across the country. Responding to extreme weather “is not a challenge exclusive to Auckland,” Burt says. “Many parts of the country will need more resilient infrastructure ahead of further weather events. There is a lot of work to do nationwide.”

Flooding on Te Atatu Road during the January floods in 2023. (Photo: Ben Gracewood)

Temporary repairs are holding together the water and wastewater networks

After last summer’s storms there were more than 200 issues, many due to landslips, affecting Auckland’s water and wastewater networks. Many weren’t immediately apparent – new damage reports came in for months. The recovery programme is ongoing. While at least 60 issues have been resolved, many other repairs are underway – for example at the water treatment plant in Pukekohe, which is still out of service.

Initial emergency repairs and bypasses have been replaced with temporary solutions that are expected to last “a couple of years”, says Suzanne Lucas, Watercare asset upgrades and renewals general manager. The temporary solutions allow time for thorough planning and design, ensuring the eventual permanent solutions will be fit for a future with more intense weather events. 

Ironically enough, Lucas says one of the biggest challenges to fixing the water networks has been the weather. At many sites work had to stop immediately when rainfall safety thresholds are exceeded, and 2023 turned out to be Auckland’s wettest year on record.

The estimated cost of Watercare’s flood recovery programme is $100 million. More than $20 million has already been spent, and the rest is expected to be spent in the next two years.

Spider digger at landslip that damaged Watercare wastewater pipe behind Birkenhead College. Photo: Watercare.

There’s a new first consideration in the real estate market

“Did it flood?” is the first question buyers ask real estate agent Ben Buchanan at Harcourts open homes. If it did, the next question is about insurance. If it didn’t, some home buyers will ask if it’s in the flood zone. But many prospective buyers know all this already – they’ve learned to read LIM reports and are checking the council’s new tool, Flood Viewer.

If the house is no longer insurable, it will be “extremely hard to sell” because people will not be able to get finance, Buchanan says. And even if it is, fewer buyers are interested in flood-prone properties, all of which affects the method of sale (auctions are out since there wouldn’t be much, if any, bidding) and ultimately the price. Buchanan has seen prices hundreds of thousands of dollars less than they might otherwise have been.

He thinks with time and infrastructure upgrades the worries around flooding will ease, but at the moment, “it is a very hot topic.” Still, not all flooding risks can be mitigated by infrastructure, and consents are still being approved in floodplains.

Insurers are adapting to a new reality

In the wake of last year’s floods, When the Facts Change host Bernard Hickey spoke to Massey University banking and insurance expert Dr Micheal Naylor. They discussed how climate change-induced extreme weather events will affect property insurance. “One in four homes in Auckland are subject to flood damage, so it’s not a small matter,” explained Naylor. 

Hickey said that after the floods, “House by house, street by street, drain by drain”, insurers will recalculate premiums. They’ll be “adapting their models, adapting their maps to account for the rising temperature and the rising extremity and frequency of events,” he added. The reason that insurers are adapting their flood maps from the council’s general floodplain maps to a property-specific model is because the floods proved historical floodplain data to be irrelevant. “If you look at the properties which were flooded in Auckland, a number have not been affected in the past,” said Naylor. 

Because of those adapted maps and recalculated premiums, Naylor explained, “we’re facing a future where properties will have huge increases in premiums or become uninsurable” while homeowners are still expected to pay their mortgages. The insurance expert estimated that recalculated premiums will rise by four, five or even 10 times the original figure. Some properties will be categorised as so high risk that they will become uninsurable. Naylor said he’s concerned that once recalculations are completed, whole areas will become uninsurable. 

Another warning from Naylor: some homeowners whose properties are still insurable, but only with increased premiums, will forgo insurance, asking instead for direct government compensation when disaster strikes. “If it’s a few people, that’s fine, but if it becomes one-fourth of the population [the amount of Aucklanders with flood-risk properties], the government simply can’t do it; there is no money.” Naylor warned. “My fear is that this will turn into an insurance crisis, then a banking crisis into a government debt crisis.” 

a pile of rubble with some trees above it
A destroyed shed in French Bay. (Image: Shanti Mathias)

West Wave pools are open again

The West Wave pools in Henderson had 250,000 litres of brown river water poured into them over the course of the floods. It took four days to pump it all out, and four months later, The Spinoff reported that NZ’s biggest swimming complex was mostly out of action. The lap pool, dive pool and learn to swim pool opened several weeks after the floods, but the more exciting leisure (aka wave) pool, hydroslides and spas and saunas didn’t reopen until October 9

Repairs were complex since “everything got fried”, says Sarah Clarke, the facility’s manager. The council has replaced the entire electrical wiring and heating systems, and completed maintenance and seismic strengthening work. Impressive.

West Wave’s lazy river pool area, ready to welcome visitors again in October 2023. Photo: Auckland Council.

The city is spongier

In July last year, The Spinoff’s Shanti Mathias reported that a spongier city was rising from the aftermath of the floods. Sponge cities provide the opposite of impermeable tarmac roads and concrete footpaths that channel water through cities into enormous storm drains, and wipe out roads and houses when those storm drains fill. Instead, they work with natural systems to absorb water into soil, refilling groundwater supplies instead of depleting them. New designs for the city’s infrastructure include more porous elements like rain gardens and tree pits to help with stormwater management.

Parks and reserves are still waiting for fixes

After the floods and Cyclone Gabrielle the council was faced with 1,459 parks and community facility repair projects. Of those, 64% have been completed.

On January 4, RNZ reported that on the North Shore, four reserves are still completely closed, and 30 tracks are fully or partially closed. Members of conservation groups are worried that boardwalks installed to protect against kauri dieback won’t ever be repaired or replaced given the current tightening of purse strings

Out west, the Arataki Visitor Centre reopened on December 2, and while many tracks have reopened, eight are so damaged they will be out of action “for some time”, with three awaiting “further investigation”.

Repairs out west. Photo: Auckland Council.

Auckland Council says it’s more prepared for emergencies

Reviews last year found that Auckland Council’s emergency response was slow and inadequate. Much has been said about mayor Wayne Brown being missing at key moments, but the failure was system wide, not the fault of a single person. In short, Auckland Council’s emergency management system and leaders were “not prepared for an event of this magnitude and speed”, according to the first official review.

Adam Maggs, head of capability and strategy at Auckland Emergency Management (AEM), told The Spinoff “we have learned an awful lot in that time since then, about how we can prepare better, and be better prepared to respond more effectively moving forward”.

A key strategy document, the Civil Defence and Emergency Management Group plan, has been reviewed and is now with the minister of emergency management to be approved. This lays out the guiding principles for dealing with emergencies – reduction, readiness, response, recovery – and outlines actions within each. It describes the management and governance systems, monitoring and evaluation, and the hazards Auckland faces.

Some common phrases from a review into the emergency response.

On the ground, the department has been restructured, adding 10 more roles. They include people who work specifically with each of the 21 local boards to develop readiness and response plans specific to their area’s hazards, demographics and facilities. “That will be instrumental,” says Maggs. Similarly, they are building relationships with 19 iwi, so that they can  “supplement what [the iwi are] already doing”.

Also new is a severe weather standard operating procedure, which AEM didn’t have before. It sets out thresholds for weather and a plan of what to do when weather reaches them. Capacity has been increased to monitor weather and water levels live 24/7. “There’s always eyes looking” so when they hit thresholds, “it creates a trigger for us to be able to respond.”

After much criticism of the absence of Mayor Brown during the floods, Auckland Council has developed standard operating procedures for key roles, “so that they know exactly what they need to do, what their responsibilities are, and what they need to report on and take action on.” Similar guides have been made for elected officials and the mayor, so they know the role they are expected to play in an emergency. “That was something that we didn’t have prior to the storm events,” says Maggs. AEM has recruited a senior communications role to ensure internal communications go smoothly in emergencies.

AEM has also been training staff within council and partner organisations – 700 have had response training, and in October last year they carried out a multi-agency exercise to test readiness to respond to a similar storm event. 

Another change we can expect to see is a revamped AEM website.

Climate change and resilience did not become a dominant election issue

Even though many commentators thought the floods and Cyclone Gabrielle would put climate change on the election agenda, polls showed that what people were mostly concerned about was cost of living, the economy, healthcare and crime. In one survey only 8% said they were concerned about the environment.

“Climate-based risk and infrastructure investment hardly raised a ripple in the various election debates of 2023,” says John Tookey, professor at the school of future environments at AUT. “Irrespective of political perspective there is an absolute need to prioritise infrastructural investments. Failure to do so will inhibit future growth and housing provision, impact cost effectiveness, as well as compromise the sustainability of our current communities.”

We are not managing a retreat

Since the floods 1,415 new house consents have been granted on Auckland flood plains. That’s about 10% of the total consents. 

That’s also the opposite of what community-led organisation West Auckland is Flooding (WAIF) is calling for. They want managed retreat – the purposeful and planned movement of people out of the worst-affected areas, and building away from risks. The group, made up of flood-affected Westies, say that last summer’s event wasn’t the first major flood in West Auckland and it certainly won’t be the last. They argue that because the council consented to building homes in areas that flood, it has an obligation to find solutions that don’t put people at risk, and don’t take years to action. In other words, the council should buy people out and stop consenting in at-risk areas.

The council and government have yet to make a plan for relocations to reduce risk, says Ilan Noy, an expert in the economics of disasters and climate change at Victoria University of Wellington. The current arrangement “seems to incentivise more poorly-planned developments and investments in high-risk areas, and a refusal to recognise that the risks are changing because of climate change.”

“Nothing has been done,” he says. “It seems that when another inevitable disaster will happen, we will again improvise a response that will again fail to deal with the underlying risk from climate change.”

Floodwater in the Waikumete stream.
Floodwaters rise in the Waikumete Stream on January 27. (Photo: Dylan Reeve)

Roads out west are patched up, but not improved

Te Henga Bethells Beach community didn’t suffer too much from the Auckland anniversary deluge, but it did water-log everything. And then “Gabrielle came in and really smashed us,” says Scott Hindman, resident and chair of the local emergency resilience group. Roads were flooded, washed out and slipped away. The power went out. Today, things are far from fixed. Some parts of Bethells Road and Te Henga Road are still down to one lane, and there’s a whole car park and walking paths Hindman describes as “completely gone”. 

“So far, the few repairs that they have done are just patching up what’s broken – they’re not doing anything to stop it happening again, or to make the road stronger. You can already see other bits of the road that will slip away next,” he says. “It’s almost like we’re still in emergency mode.”

a phalanx of road cones and a big slip with some black plastic over it. Some orange cones are at the bottom. "I don't know why people think it's so fun to chuck them," Patrick told me sadly.
Covering this slip with plastic will hopefully mean it isn’t eroded by winter rainfall as repairs take place. (Image: Shanti Mathias)

The Domain lake is gone

Covered up, filled in and rerouted historic waterways across Auckland resurfaced during the floods, including the lake in Pukekawa/Auckland Domain. It was the first time this lake had reappeared since settlers filled it in during the 1860s. When the lake resurfaced, birds and dogs flocked to bathe in it, and people risked their health to kayak, kite surf and paddle board in the water. The lake, which covered much of the Domain’s sports field area, held so much water that it lessened flooding on other properties. Pukekawa successfully siphoned floodwaters away from neighbouring properties because its flooded section (the southwest corner adjacent to Carlton Gore and Park Road) was historically a volcanic crater lake into which runoff naturally funnels. 

The lake dried up by March, but not for good. Throughout 2023, when Auckland experienced abnormally high rainfall, the lake resurfaced on several occasions. In fact, the lake didn’t dry up fully until October 2023, nine months after Auckland anniversary weekend. While we might not be able to see it right now, the lake is lying in wait till the next deluge when it can reappear as a novel inner-city water feature once again.

A photo showing Pukekawa (Auckland Domain) in its ordinary dry, sportsfield state – juxtaposed with it returning to its historic form as a wetland because of the Auckland anniversary weekend flooding.
During the Auckland anniversary weekend floods a number of former waterways reclaimed their historic aquatic states, including the Waihorotiu awa and (pictured here) at Pukekawa/Auckland Domain. (Design: Archi Banal. Photos: Getty Images and Supplied)

157 red and 935 yellow placards are still in place

In the aftermath of the floods, 5,455 white, yellow or red stickers were placed on houses that were deemed to have immediate risks. Almost 3,000 were red or yellow, meaning those homes had restricted or prohibited access. A year on, 157 red and 935 yellow placards remain in place; red meaning they are uninhabitable, and yellow meaning partially uninhabitable.

A flooded street in Epsom, Auckland, on 2 February 2023. (Photo: RNZ / Rayssa Almeida)

More than a thousand people are waiting for their damaged homes to be categorised

“It can never be enough. We can never go fast enough. And we never get things done quickly enough. You know, every extra day that passes for somebody who can’t live in their home, which is beyond repair, is a day too long,” says Mat Tuker, the head of the council’s Tāmaki Makaurau Flood Recovery Office.

Categorisation is the first step to getting a buy-out or other support. More than 2,400 properties have been signed up for assessment. Unfortunately, risk categorisation is a complicated process that takes time and specifically trained professionals, of which there aren’t many. “We expect to have got through most of [the assessments] by mid this year,” says Tuker. In the meantime, many homeowners are struggling.

Lyall Carter, chair of WAIF, says that “while on one hand, we totally get it, it’s still really frustrating for those that are caught in the middle”. He says most of the people he’s spoken to in West Auckland with damaged homes are first home buyers and young families who are being hard hit financially; some have to pay both mortgage and rent. “We have people that are running out of money,” he says. “Even after all of this process, there are going to be people that are left in a really bad financial state.”

Four homes have been bought out

Before Christmas, four buy-out settlements were completed. Properties must be designated as risk category 3, meaning they have an intolerable risk to life which cannot be reduced, to be eligible for a buy-out.

Another 60 property owners are actively working towards buy-outs and the council expects to buy out about 600 homes all up. Another 100 properties are expected to be category 2P, meaning they will receive financial support to make their homes safe, through fixes such as lifting homes and creating overland water flow paths.

The first relocations and deconstructions are scheduled for March. “Nobody wants empty boarded up houses next to them in their community. It’s not a nice thing, aesthetically, and it’s actually a safety risk as well,” says Tuker. As much as possible of their materials will be saved, reused and recycled. Then the community will be consulted on how they want the land used – it could be a community garden, playground, or something else.

People are struggling with their mental health

For many, the floods and their aftermath have been “harrowing” says Carter of WAIF. He says the group has had a number of reports that children and young people are struggling with their mental health, particularly with PTSD. “This is going to have a lasting impact.”

He says that while some parts of Auckland have all but forgotten the flooding, “we have streets that are empty, that were once filled with the laughter of children. Now they are overgrown and rat infested and constantly being looted. So it continues to be a living disaster.”

Flooding at the Redwood Park Golf Club in Swanson, West Auckland, January 2023 (Photo: Genna Hukui/Supplied to Stuff)

Communities have banded together

“I think one of the things that has come out from this is community, grassroots-led advocacy, like WAIF, and a number of other advocacy groups around Auckland,” says Carter. He thinks the groups have shown the power of democratic participation and community and wants to see more community-led organisations that look after each other, no matter who is in government. “I’ve been involved in community work most of my adult life, and this has been the best thing that I’ve ever done,” he says.

We should be getting ready for more

“If our habits don’t change, we will see wetter and wetter extreme rainfalls around the country, and heavy rainfalls will happen more often,” says James Renwick, professor of physical geography at Victoria University of Wellington. “I hope the lessons are not being forgotten and that we can all become more resilient and more prepared to deal with extreme rainfalls in future. Because they will come.”

But not this weekend. This week, MetService and Auckland Emergency Management have been keeping an eye on a cyclone forming in the Coral Sea. MetService has now said it’s not going to hit New Zealand at all, says Maggs. “Auckland is going to have a nice weekend.” The forecast, though, is rainy.

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SocietyJanuary 26, 2024

Don’t be a dingus: The best New Zealand schoolyard insults that time forgot

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Are you a tryhard, a sad guy, or a gumbus? We look back at the most memorable schoolyard insults of yesteryear.

The school year is looming which means children across Aotearoa will soon be flooding back to the playground to unleash a litany of confusing and sometimes extremely regionally specific insults upon one another. Today we can report from our rocking chairs that “simp” (wanting attention from girls) is apparently a big one with the kids, along with “sussy baka” (suspicious idiot) and “flexy” (a show-off).

While we of course don’t endorse any kind of bullying, and won’t be including any of the many overtly sexist, racist, homophobic, ableist or otherwise not-OK insults that were once common, we do enjoy ourselves a good dose of nostalgia – even when it’s painful. So we took a walk down memory lane to dredge up some of the most powerful insults that time forgot. 

Egg

When I lived overseas and ended up working with an Australian who relentlessly teased my (mild compared to his) accent, I called him an egg. Which only fuelled the ribbing. It soon became known in the office that the top New Zealand insult was to call someone an egg. And look, I’m proud that a corner of Belgium knows this and hopefully has adopted it (the word for egg in Flemish is “ei”). It is the single greatest and funniest and strangest mudsling there is. The best time of year is obviously Easter when you can say, “Happy Easter, eggs.” / Claire Mabey

Gripper

In Karori in the 1990s, the worst thing you could be called by a teenager was a gripper. The exact definition is contested – one of my two older sisters says it’s “a massive nerd who is also a touch unpleasant”, while the other defines gripper as “an annoying tryhard loser”. Either way, it was brutal. I was generally too young and meek to wield the insult myself but was certainly at the receiving end often enough, as was fellow Karori expat Madeleine Chapman. Born in 1994, she’s almost a decade younger than me, suggesting gripper hung on until around the turn of the millennium, at least in the Chapman household. How much it spread beyond Wellington suburbia is not clear, though one of my sisters recalls cries of “gripper!” ringing regularly through the halls of an Otago uni hall of residence circa 1996. / Alice Neville

Hardup 

“Hard up” has been a part of the New Zealand vernacular for decades, usually as a phrase to describe one’s financial situation – “sorry I can’t pay you back, I’m a bit hard up at the moment.” But at my Invercargill primary school in the mid-90s it was also a catch-all insult used to describe anything that appeared cheap or didn’t meet an eight-year-old’s benchmark for quality, from pencil cases to haircuts to shoes. The fear of having my clothes described as “hardup” ultimately drove me to dress head-to-toe in Charlotte Hornets merch from Stirling Sports despite never having watched or played basketball in my life. / Calum Henderson

Not pictured: psychically damaging regionally specific insults. (Photo: Getty Images)

Kissarse/eatarse

Both meaning a sycophant, kissarse and eatarse were used interchangeably depending how little you like the person. Undoubtedly born from some classic NZ homophobia, eatarse has potent energy, a truly forceful insult given to those who are both lame and really trying too hard to be cool. Who decides what’s lame and what’s cool? No one knows. But in a sign of New Zealand progressive rainbow attitudes, eatarse is most often heard now as simply “eats”. / Madeleine Chapman

Hardout

A phrase where the prefix and pronunciation is everything. For a kid to say “far, that’s hard out” meant something was exceptional, flash, impressive, grandiose. If someone asked if you wanted to go to the pools and you said “yeah, hard out”, that meant you really, really, wanted to go to the pools. But everything changes as soon as you lose the space between the words, and run it all together: what a hardout. To be a hardout was to be so hard out into something that you have likely brought shame upon your family name. Exists in the same universe as “tryhard” but slightly more affectionate. For example: “She’s such a hardout for Winnie the Pooh, but it was real tryhard to write a whole speech about it” (my bullies, 1998). / Alex Casey

Sluzza

“What a sluzza!” For girls and young women, the grade of insult changed at high school from generic to sexually charged as you got sorted into a group based on the inescapable good girl/bad girl stereotypes. Sluzza seemed to be a particularly virulent strain of insult at all-girls high schools. It’s the softer iteration of “slut” and was whispered on Mondays as news leaked out about who’d pashed who or been “felt up” over the weekend at a garage party. You could be a sluzza for a week based on one story, or branded one for the entirety of your time at high school. / Anna Rawhiti-Connell

Manus/marnis

The drink driving PSA “Oi Jeff” found here in all its 144p glory, tells the tale of a good bloke who is worried his mate Jeff is about to drive home from a party after too many beers. Our hero rushes outside to stop Jeff getting in his car, only to discover Jeff was just grabbing a rugby ball. They have a good laugh, and then call each other “a manus”. The ad took the playgrounds by storm, and it was not a good time to be a self-conscious kid with the surname MacManus. No one seemed to know how to spell it (Manus/Marnis/Munnus?), or even what it meant (Menace? Male anus? Man-ass?). Every time I made the mistake of asking for a definition, other kids gave me increasingly outrageous and hurtful answers. 

Story within a story: I still don’t know if manus is a real insult or was created specifically for the ad. The earliest internet record I could find was a 2006 forum on nzhondas.com. Most of the commenters thought it an invented term, but a couple insisted it was an old insult. The user ‘aazaa’ seemed convinced it referred to Ketjap Manis, the Indonesian sweet soy sauce. Someday, I will get to the bottom of this and finally track down the ad executive who ruined my intermediate school existence. / Joel MacManus

Goose/silly goose 

I was an egg guy, for a while. I liked how inoffensive it was, as a hard note of resistance to the algorithmic amplification of offence that has characterised the social media era. If you’re really bad you’re a rotten egg. That worked – until I happened upon goose. Even though I’m old, it was never part of my upbringing.  It feels like it was the state of the insult art between the world wars, so mild as to barely be an insult at all – a goose is just a nice bird whose only crime is not to be a swan. I started using it on my children when they forgot to do something and it landed with almost no sting. When they were really out of line – silly goose. Meaningless. Perfect. / Duncan Greive

Scody

Definitely remember this pithy number on the mean streets of Tauranga in the late 90s. It could be applied to anything really but I distinctly recall it being used on frequent op-shop trawls (for old-man pants, petticoats and bootleg jeans). You definitely did not want to have the word scody applied to yourself but it’s an excellent choice when assessing the quality of poo-brown pants and whether they’re simply too rank for the $2 price tag. / CM

Dropnuts

For a long stretch of my late adolescence, dropnuts was about as close as an insult could get to perfection. To be a dropnuts was more than just to be a coward, it was to be a disappointing coward. Here you were, two nuts at your disposal, and rather than do a Run it Straight challenge in your university accomodation’s third-floor corridor, or jump off that shop awning into a box hedge, or prank call your old principal at 3am on a Tuesday, you’ve been cowed. Shirked at the challenge. You had the opportunity to sack up, and look what you did instead. Certainly there were worse things to be called. But there weren’t many other insults I’d so gladly risk (or receive) a concussion to avoid. / Matthew McAuley

Pork chop 

In Adam Parore’s autobiography The Wicked-keeper, which I recently re-read (it’s still good), he describes himself as “behaving like a pork chop” on multiple occasions, usually while ratarse drunk on a night out with Cairnsy or in the midst of an uncontrollable cricket rage. Parore attended Auckland’s St Kentigern College in the 1980s, for what it’s worth. / CH

The real Gumby

Gumby

I was well out of primary school when I realised that gumby was the name of a rubbery turquoise humanoid character and not a word specifically created to articulate my existence. In the 90s, “gumby” would mostly arise during displays of awkward physicality. Missed the ball in T-ball? Gumby. Started running in the 100 metres before that scary wooden clapper thing had clapped? Gumby. Slipped over in a Jolly raspberry puddle at the disco? Gumby. And, much like a Flybuys programme, if you earned yourself enough gumby points, you could ascend to the schoolyard honorific of being “a gumbus”. Celebrity gumbuses (gumbii?) include Sir John Key, Shortland Street’s Damo from IT and What Now’s Camilla the Gorilla. / AC

Tryhard 

Years ago the director Joel Kefali described the New Zealand indie posture as “trying’s lame”, which seemed apt then and now. If you must succeed, make it look like you could barely be bothered doing the thing. It feels deeply ingrained in our national psyche, that the very worst thing you can do is to take a big public swing and fail, followed closely by a big swing that succeeds. If you have to be successful, at least be mortified by it and act like it was just an accident. You get all that from tryhard, a schoolyard insult which cut the recipient to ribbons in the 90s, an irrecoverable wound. / DG

Foolish sucka

In the iconic New Zealand movie Eagle v Shark (2007) Jemaine Clement’s character Jarrod amps himself up for a confrontation phone call by spitting out “Sucka, foolish, foolish sucka” and a mid-2000s insult (of the fond variety) was born. I was at university in Ōtepoti by this time and have fond memories of this phrase as common usage, whether bellowed, murmured or slurred. / CM

Label basher

Oooof. This one hurt. Label basher was a common-use shame out that hit its peak in the late 90s / early 2000s, around about the time that Barkers trackpants, Dickies, anything Volcom and Vans were the must-have accoutrements for pre-teens (at least in Tauranga). Label basher is a jealousy-tinged slight on your lack of personal style and creative chic. I half suspect that accusations of label bashing was partially responsible for the shift into grunge: no labels in sight during that era, just scody  (see above) second-hand petticoats over bootleg jeans. What a look. / CM

Bots

On an etymological level, bots/botz is the Samoan equivalent of both a smartarse and an eatarse. Short for fia poto (fia = to be, poto = smart or clever) a bots or a fiabots is someone who thinks they know something but in fact knows nothing. Applied to knowledge, practical skills and general vibe, bots is unique in that while it is absolutely a catch-all insult, it burned hardest when it was actually true. If you heard “don’t bots it” after talking up your own skills or charm, and then were called a bots for years because you caked it… well, they’re not wrong. A genuine bots guy – someone who is always acting like the smartest person in the room despite being far from it – is truly one of God’s greatest punishers. / MC

Mrrrr 

Not an insult so much as an expression of pure tweenage disdain, “mrrrr” is easily the largest publishable word in the word cloud of my late-90s Dunedin intermediate experience. The oral equivalent of rolling your eyes, pronounced with a brutally hard R, “mrrrr” became an instinctive response to anything we deemed stupid, annoying, childish or cringe (a concept we didn’t know about back then but would have wholeheartedly embraced if we did). Mum says you can’t get dreads? “Mrrrr.” Canteen sold out of Cookie Time $1 cookies? “Mrrrr.” Someone wore head-to-toe Charlotte Hornets merch on mufti day when everybody else had moved on to wearing Australian surf brands? “Mrrrr.” / CH

tfw you realise you need a Billabong T-shirt and you need it yesterday

Sad guy

“Don’t be a sad guy!” This choice pairing has a couple of meanings in my memory, on the one hand it was the ultimate peer pressure tool (“you have to come to the hall party, don’t be a sad guy!”) and on the other it could be used as a take down of someone who was being mean, “what a sad guy”. These days I’m the former sort of sad guy on the regular (enjoy a 9pm bedtime and a zero alcohol beer (not at the same time) and wish I could tell my 15-year-old self that turning down the Spumante would not be a sad guy move at all. / CM

JI 

An acronym of “joiner-inner” (or perhaps joiner-innerer). To be a JI in the Wairarapa in the 90s was one of the worst things you could possibly be. JI’s were people who hadn’t been invited into the conversation, the netball game, the sleepover. I just wish someone had told me that being a JI is actually good practice for growing up. Ironically, in this modern climate of much-adored “hustle” and “moxie”, only the very finest JI’s rule the roost. / AC

Dickhead

Still really enjoy this. It’s somehow softer than your straight “dick” and a lot funnier. Dickhead has enjoyed a long history of usage in New Zealand and is generally understood to mean someone who partakes in pretty shitty behaviour. A quick google of “dickhead NZ” brings up a vibrant raft of news stories in which the word stars, including this 2020 report about a complaint against Mediaworks for displaying the word during the 6pm news in a segment which asked participants to describe, using one word, the then-leader of the National Party, Simon Bridges and the prime minister, Jacinda Ardern: “One of the words used to describe Mr Bridges was the word ‘dickhead’, which was displayed in the word-cloud in medium-sized text.” The complaint was not upheld. / CM

Honourable mentions: Munter, hungus, dur-brain, brrrtz, rats, dingbat, drongo, ning nong, druff, mole, pillock, dingus, stain.