Alex Casey ranks a deeply emotional week two of Celebrity Treasure Island. 

Those beans and rice have officially kicked in, because finally we got some gas on Celebrity Treasure Island. The second week let rip with all manner of stolen sausage tension, alliances brewing, demanding physical and mental challenges and brutal team swaps. With the contestants laden with candies and McDonald’s, this week possessed the frenetic energy of a kid’s birthday party, complete with a couple of freak injuries and so, so, so many tears. 

When John Lennon said that life is what happens when you make other plans, I think he meant that injuries are what happens when you make celebrities push an extremely heavy X across an arena. With not one but two huge characters exiting the game due to injuries in the space of a few minutes, you do have to wonder – at what point does a reality TV challenge stop being a gruelling test and start being a matter for WorkSafe?

Anyhoo, onto the rankings!

ELIMINATED: Harrison Keefe

Harrison fought like hell in his elimination battle against certified RoboCop Ben Barrington, managing to hold up two giant vials of cursed black liquid for over 45 minutes and also squeezing in a few fart jokes for good measure. A noble death, but a death nonetheless. 

ELIMINATED: Vinnie Bennett

After being knocked out of the competition by Zion Dayal, Vinnie left his pounamu as an emotional parting gift to Simon Barnett. “My best friend made this, and he told me that you’ll meet someone across your way that deserves to have this,” he told his childhood inspiration. “And that’s you my friend.” Pass the tissues in both a fast and furious manner, please.

ELIMINATED BECAUSE OF A FREAK CALF TEAR: Simon Barnett

The man with the most talked about torso in the land – “he’s got abs on his abs”, said Harrison – revealed that nasal hair trimmers are an essential part of his beauty regime. Alas, even the most aerodynamic of nostrils couldn’t save him from a calf tear during the team face-off, seeing him tragically eliminated. “How lucky are we to take part in a show like this,” he said, tears welling. “I actually got to be present and enjoy the moment.” More (FM) tissues, s’il vous plaît. 

ELIMINATED BECAUSE OF A FREAK CALF TEAR: David Correos

Mere seconds after Simon Barnett’s calf was torn in two along with my fragile heart, David Correos also heard a “pop” and staggered out of the arena in agony. Despite being a charity challenge beast and casually revealing he was a competitive weightlifter, the comedian also joined the injury bench and was soon eliminated from the competition. It’s not all bad news though – at least it was a really good week for blue muscle tape.

10) Frank Bunce

Love everything Frank Bunce is bringing to the island, which this week mostly seemed to be stroking his chin thoughtfully during the puzzle challenge and saying  “I hope I look smarter than I feel right now.” Me too Frank, me bloody too. 

9) Liv Parker

She started the week off by asking “what’s your favourite way to eat a sausage?” but Parker had even bigger questions looming about finding what her strength is on the island. But hey, you know who else had doubts about his abilities and cried a lot while wearing a Juan Bullion hat? Chris Parker. 

8) Georgia Lines

True to her “Lines” name and nature, Georgia got some great lines in as the narrator of sorts this week. While she is yet to make any big moves, she did say she loved to spend “three weeks on a Wasgij” when she’s on holiday. Could that be an advantage as she joins her new look Tākapu tribe? Only time will tell. 

7) Te Ao O Hinepehinga

While many struggled with their lefts and rights during the “blindfolded scramble to a McChicken” challenge, Te Ao yelled the hell out of a groundbreaking “bandanna” and “rock” code which saw Kāhu scurry their way back from failure to a triumphant draw. Bandannas all round. 

6) Louis Davis

He foraged for kina to make up for the great Sausage Steal, but Louis’ most powerful contribution to the game this week was a) wearing a flower crown and b) conquering Frank Bunce in a charity challenge. “I’ll tell all my mokopuna about the time I bumped off an All Blacks legend,” he said, while Bunce probably scratched his chin thoughtfully. 

5) Portia Woodman-Wickliffe

Portia really laid it (her emotions) all out on the field (television) this week, as the Sausage Steal weighed heavy on her heart. “Maybe that’s why women haven’t won so far, because we are empathetic,” she wondered. Although she seemed completely bereft when the original Takāpu was disbanded, at least she’s got a strong alliance moving forward thanks to our next player…

4) Ria Vandervis

Finally someone is striking up some bloody alliances on this here television programme! Ria seized the opportunity to deliver kina to the other team with Portia, and proposed a wāhine alliance between the two of them, along with everyone’s favourite woman… Ben Barrington? What can’t she do!

3) Zion Dayal

Are we sure that this is Celebrity Treasure Island and not Zion Dayal’s vision board come to life? This week he got to report live from the island, do some sort of beep test (for fun?!) against a Black Fern with an All Black commentating, and then beasted out not once but twice in the elimination challenge against Vinnie. A great week for an underrated player who appears to be living his dream.

2) Ben Barrington

He has a game-changing advantage, a kaihautū title, an open invitation into the women’s alliance and a scarily steely determination when it comes to holding large amounts of liquid above one’s head. Ben Barrington seems as unstoppable as a poonami down a Ferndale hallway (yes, we are going to make that joke every week). And yet… 

1) Nix Adams

When I did a tarot reading with all the celebrities before they entered the competition, Nix pulled The Fool. “Foolishness. Could that be my cover? Could that be my front?” she laughed at the time. This week Nix proved there’s so much more to her than just getting eaten by mosquitos and wearing a scary gimp balaclava to bed, as she provided heart-wrenching insights into her life long before she found social media fame.

Sitting on a log with Simon Barnett, Nix opened up about motherhood and losing her son Alaska when he was just 16 months old. “It was the scariest moment of my entire life,” she said. Describing how she fell into a “pit of addiction” for five years, she shared how she still deals with the grief to this day. “His spirit is in my heart,” she said. “He’s right here with me, he’s seeing everything that I’m seeing.”

These are the kinds of revelatory moments that sneak up out of nowhere and remind you of the true magic lurking beneath this goofy show. Not one to keep things too serious, Nix then nailed the innuendo in the straw-sucking challenge – “this programme is way to PG for me to say what I want to say, but I think I’m going to do great” – before leading her team to victory in the McDonald’s face-off and becoming the new kaihautū of Kāhu. 

Even though she hasn’t seen Notting Hill: I am just a power ranker, standing in front of Nix Adams, asking her to please, please take out this damn TV show.