How soon is too soon?

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Heya Hera,

After a few years of rough flings, I’ve met someone who feels right for me. We’re just at the early stages of getting to know each other, but I’m pretty stoked!

Something about me is I’ve suffered hardships and trauma in past relationships. 

I’ve been cheated on, and had a breakdown a few years later that took a wee while to gain confidence from after. 

I’m wondering at what stage and how to bring this stuff up? Or even to do so in the first place?

I’m scared that if I don’t say anything, it’s a bit like getting someone hooked in, then telling them this later on, in like a “too late, you need to deal with this baggage now” way. But there is also a hopeful part of me that is hoping the baggage never “bags”, and so I can keep it private, since I’ve done so much work and have learned to heal.  

But this considered, if the baggage did bag, then I feel like being upfront about it early on would be better. So should I be brave and bring this up soon in a confident way? Like, “I’ve been through these couple things, but don’t worry, I’ve learned a lot over the years so it shouldn’t crop up as a problem. But? just keep in mind, faithfulness is really important to me.”

The final thing is a handful of my friends (and, unfortunately, acquaintances) are aware of what I’ve been through. It’s possible that if I don’t tell this new person about my history, they could find out another way. Would that upset them?

What if being upfront turns them off?

Oh the struggles of the early stages. Wish me luck!

Thanks,

Pondering 

Dear Pondering,

There are different tiers of relationship baggage. There’s the oversized and fragile stuff, like golf clubs and live alligators, which need to be declared before takeoff. In a relationship analogy, this might be things like “I have children from a previous relationship who I hate and don’t speak to,” or  “I have a serious gambling addiction,” or “a witch put a curse on me, and I turn into a white bear each night at the stroke of midnight.” This is the kind of information you have an obligation to share as soon as possible in case it’s an automatic dealbreaker.

Then there’s relationship carry-on luggage like “I used to be a lesbian but it didn’t work out,” or “my dirtbag ex cheated on me with a bassoonist, and now I have a panic attack whenever I listen to Peter and the Wolf.” This kind of information is up to you to share when you feel ready. 

It’s normal to feel nervous about bringing baggage to a new relationship. But from what you’ve described, there’s nothing here that could reasonably be considered a dealbreaker, and you shouldn’t feel like you have to schedule an urgent appointment to disclose it, like unearned income from a criminal enterprise. 

You ask if you need to share it at all. I suppose technically there’s no obligation to do so. But here’s my feeling about the situation:

The reason people trade painful relationship anecdotes and mental health episodes isn’t because they’re ethically obligated to do so. It’s because part of being loved is allowing yourself to be known. Being able to talk honestly about your life is both a relief and an act of generosity.

It may feel safer to conceal all of the painful and unpleasant aspects of yourself in order to present a vision of devastating psychological wellness. But realistically, you will only be able to keep up the charade for so long. I also think that as you get to know each other better, you will discover you actually want to share this information and eventually feel ready to do so. 

That doesn’t mean you have to rush into it. You can wait for the moment to feel right, whether that’s next week or three months from now, when you accidentally burst into tears during a screening of Pixar’s Cars because the Radiator Springs scene hits a little too close to home. It’s likely your crush will have equivalent baggage. Most people who have been in enough long-term relationships have a few experiences or anecdotes they’re nervous to share.

If it makes you feel better, you can always start with the crib notes version and save the full Icelandic saga for further down the line. But you don’t need to treat your pain like a valuable lesson you’ve successfully metabolised. You can simply tell it how it was, and have faith your partner will treat your confidence as an honour, rather than a shameful admission of personal weakness. It’s flattering to be confided in, especially by someone you have a massive crush on.

You’re obviously worried that allowing someone to see your vulnerabilities will cause them to recoil in abject horror. But it’s also one of the thrilling parts of falling in love. The delicate tension between the excruciating ordeal of being known and the universal yearning to be understood. Love is deeper than just letting someone see your best qualities. Sometimes love is when someone you really like drinks way too much cask wine, tells you an embarrassing secret and then throws up in their bed. When you like someone enough, this kind of humiliation will only endear them to you and cause you to walk home, tall as the king of Denmark, with your heart on fire. 

What I’m trying to say is when it’s right, it’s right, and unless you have a collection of human scalps under the floorboard, it’s really hard to scare the right person away by revealing too much of yourself. By the same token, there’s nothing you can do to trick someone into loving you by carefully concealing the aspects of yourself you’re ashamed of, so you might as well let it all hang out, because trying to present a flawless visage is only going to exhaust you and delay the inevitable. 

I can see that you really like this person and are nervous about letting them in, given your past experiences. But you don’t have to force the process. If you stay together, they will eventually get to know you, whether you like it or not. Be brave, be patient, trust in the moment, and know that your past is nothing to be ashamed of. If this person is right for you, they will treat your confidence as an honour, not a liability. 

Good luck!