It seems brutally unfair to expect the newly bereaved to do anything, besides lying face down on the carpet.

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Hi Hera,

My dad has terminal cancer and we’ve been told it’s unlikely he’ll live for longer than a month or two. This isn’t a shock to me and, despite him being the love of my life, it’s not as bad as it could be: he’s had cancer for over 15 years now, has lived way, way longer than any of the doctors predicted, and we’ve had enough warning that the end is coming to really make the most of our time left with him. I know I’ll be devastated when he goes, but at the risk of sounding like Roman Roy, I have actually had a long time to get my head around this and think I will be OK with the grieving part. 

My question for you is how to deal with my dad’s death – not in the sense of grieving it, which I will do however I do it, but how to deal with the actual end of my dad’s life. My mum has serious mental health issues and will not cope with funeral admin and closing bank accounts, and my two siblings live overseas and are similarly fragile and unreliable. I’m barely sure I know what to do and it’s almost certainly going to end up falling on my shoulders. Where do I even begin? 

Sincerely,

Pre-grieved

Dear Pre-grieved,

First of all, I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. It seems brutally unfair to expect the newly bereaved to do anything, besides lying face down on the carpet, breathing in ancient dust particles. It’s even harder if you’re expecting to deal with the brunt of the administration alone. 

I don’t have any sage wisdom to impart about surviving a major grief, because I haven’t experienced one. I’ve lost relatives I loved, but it’s not the same as losing a parent, and I’d hate to be dishing out glib wisdom and platitudes from the cheap seats. But if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s paperwork. 

If you’re preparing for a death, you’re in a slightly different position to people suffering an unexpected bereavement, because your family has had a chance to speak with your dad about his wishes and make advanced preparations. This means you don’t have to waste time searching for wills, dealing with coroners’ inquests, or repatriating bodies. 

If you know the administrative burden is going to fall squarely on your shoulders, I would strongly recommend having a conversation with your father and suggesting he appoint you as the executor of his will. (I’m assuming your dad has already made a will, but if not, this would be a good time to get his wishes on paper.) You becoming an executor is something your father will need to arrange with his lawyer, but it will make the process a lot easier if you have the appropriate permission to act on your family’s behalf. It’s also a good idea to discuss your dad’s will with him beforehand. This will help you to understand the nuances of his estate, clarify any special requests regarding funeral plans and bequests, and get up to speed on any insurance or funeral payment plans he might have made. 

After your dad passes, depending on whether he died in hospice care or at home, the first thing you need to do is let someone know. You can call the police and ambulance if you choose, but in the case of a natural or expected death, many people prefer to do this through their family GP. If his death occurred during the night, you can wait until the next morning to inform the doctor, who will then arrange to come to your house and sign a death certificate.

It’s best practice to keep the room containing a body as cool as possible and turn off any heaters or electric blankets. 

Most people choose to use a funeral director. This advice is written with that scenario in mind, but it’s not mandatory, and if you prefer to make arrangements yourself, you absolutely can. It’s possible that your family has already made funeral arrangements, in which case you need to contact the funeral director, who will typically arrange for the collection of the body. (In some cultures, it’s important the body stays with the family prior to the funeral, in which case you just need to let your funeral director know, and make appropriate arrangements for caring for the body at home.)

The first few days after the death

• Take time off work. Depending on your work situation, you might be eligible for bereavement leave. 
• Share the news. This is one of the hardest jobs, and ideally, the burden shouldn’t fall on just one person. Because your dad’s had time to prepare, it probably won’t come as a shock to those that knew him well, but it’s still a hard job, and could be a good responsibility to share with your siblings, or another trusted relative, who might be willing to ring around all the great aunts and second cousins. 
• Register the death with the Department of Internal Affairs, within three days of his passing. If you have a funeral director, they can do this for you. 
• Put a death notice in the paper. This is optional, but it can be a good idea, especially if you’re planning a funeral and want to share the details. You never know who wasn’t on your dad’s rolodex, but might still want to pay their respects. 
• Organise the funeral. This is the big one and deserves more than one bullet point. Your family may have made some advance preparations for this, but if not, some things to begin thinking about are: 
  • Deciding whether you want a cremation or a burial.
  • Hiring a funeral director, if you haven’t already done so, and contacting any appropriate religious authorities you want to be involved at the service.
  • Figuring out who is going to give the eulogy or speak on your family’s behalf. 
  • Who to invite, and whether you want a private service just for family or a larger memorial. 

Funerals are probably the most administratively stressful part of the process and could be a good opportunity to delegate some tasks to the less administratively competent members of your family, such as hiring the 50 white doves your dad wanted to release from the belltower at noon, organizing a photo board or playlist, or preparing the sausage rolls and whiskey shots. 

If you or any members of your immediate family need to travel urgently, some airlines offer compassionate fares if you provide them with a death certificate. 

If your dad has life insurance or any kind of funeral plan, you can use those funds to pay the cost of the funeral. There are also a few grants you can apply for if you fit the criteria for financial need. Otherwise, the cost of the funeral can usually be retrospectively deducted from that person’s estate. 

The next few weeks

There are a number of other, less urgent people to notify in the weeks after a death. These might include: 

• The deceased person’s insurance provider (if he had one)
• The Inland Revenue
• Work and Income (if he was receiving any kind of benefit or superannuation)
• His bank and KiwiSaver provider
• The NZ Transport agency (if he owned a car)

There is a service called myTrove which sounds like a goblin-themed cryptocurrency service, but is actually a free way to close bank accounts, finalise tax, make insurance claims and cancel passports through one website. 

Depending on whether your dad had any internet presence – or left any instructions as to whether he wanted his tweets obliterated or carefully archived and leather bound for future generations – you can close various social media accounts here: Facebook, Google, Twitter, Instagram. Alternatively, you can keep them alive as memorial pages, if you want inappropriate birthday reminders for the rest of your life. 

Some websites such as Google allow you to plan who gets access to your accounts in case you die, so you don’t have to risk people reading all your unfinished Naruto fanfiction. But that’s something for your dad to think about. 

Administering an estate 

The next part of the process involves winding up your dad’s assets. Once you’ve located a copy of the will, the next steps are to: 

• Check the will for beneficiaries, and contact them to let them know.
• Find a record of the deceased person’s assets and debts. If he had an accountant, they can help with this. 
• Apply for probate, which is a court order recognising the will as authentic. This can take up to four to six weeks. 

If your father and mother own a shared property, you will need to apply to get the title transferred to your mother through LINZ, who recommend getting a lawyer to help with this. 

Most of this information, by the way, is second-hand and comes from the useful guides on the Citizens Advice Bureau website and the NZ Government website, so feel free to check those out for further detail. 

I’m sorry you’re going through this. My best non-administrative advice, apart from getting a recording of your dad’s voice, is to ask for help from the people that love you. If you don’t give them a job, they’ll only follow you around with concerned expressions, making you various inedible casseroles. So use them. Even if they didn’t know your dad. Even if “help” just means making you endless pots of tea, while you’re on hold to the insurance agency.

Take care of yourself, and I hope you get to spend some meaningful time with your dad before he passes. 

Want Hera’s help? Email your problem to helpme@thespinoff.co.nz. Read the previous Help Me Heras here.