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SocietyMarch 29, 2024

Real friends: Jesus’s 12 disciples, ranked from worst to best

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Jesus had dinner with his 12 disciples right before he died. Noted historian Madeleine Chapman finds out who really deserved to be there.

First published in 2018 but let’s be honest, the subject is timeless.

As you sit on your couch this Easter Sunday, eating a chocolate egg you know will never fully leave your ageing body, remember the true reasons for the season. Death, suffering, betrayal, and children’s joy. We all know the vague details surrounding Jesus dying on the cross to save us from sin, but what about the supporting characters? Were they cool like Jesus or did they just have nothing better to do with their time? No adult has that many friends so some of them must surely have been duds. Here, now, at last, is the definitive, canonical ranking of Jesus’s 12 disciples, from worst to best. Hallelujah.

12 Angry Men was inspired by Jesus’s friends

12) Simon the Zealot

Having “zealot” be an official part of your name is a spoiler that you were super annoying and nobody liked talking to you. Like a vegan who tries to sell veganism to you every time they see you eating a chicken nugget, Simon was a bit…intense. You just know he definitely started spouting some off-brand political theories after his third glass of water-wine.

11) Bartholomew

Barthomelew didn’t do a lot in the Bible and basically just hung around Philip. After he died, the people of Lipari carried his statue through town. The longer they carried it, the heavier it got, and they had to keep putting it down. Seconds later, a wall further along on their path collapsed and would’ve killed them if they had been near it. This miracle was credited to St Bartholemew. I dunno, though. A heavy thing feeling heavier the longer you carry it sounds a lot like…science.

10) James the Less

Have you ever come across a group of friends, gotten to know all of them on multiple occasions, then introduced yourself to a new face only to be told that you’ve met five times already? That forgettable face was James. He was even called James “the Less” which should’ve been enough for him to hand in his apostles badge and go do something else with his life.

9) Peter (born Simon)

Simon/Peter/Simon Peter, supposedly best friends with Jesus and haver of not just two first names but two boring first names. If your name is Simon and you want a different one, aim a little higher than Peter. Make people call you something ridiculous like “Danger” or “Cheese”.

Everyone thinks of Simon Peter as the OG apostle and the best one because he was the first to see Jesus rise again and was deemed “The Rock” of Jesus’s church. First of all, there’s only one “The Rock” and he’s Sāmoan. Secondly, let’s not forget that SiPetermon denied Jesus and acted like they weren’t even friends three times. So much for “ride or die”, Simon. If that even is your real name.

8) Andrew, brother of Peter

I feel for Andrew. Having eight older siblings means until very recently I too was most often referred to as “so-and-so’s sister”. It’s a savage burn every time and great motivation to do something interesting with your life. Unfortunately Andrew stayed boring and the best he could do was be related to Peter, who’s now heaven’s bouncer.

7) Matthew

Matthew is the bad boy turned good. Also known as Levi (classic bad boy name), Matthew was a bad guy tax collector. Calm down, socialists, he was also cheating people out of money and running a scam. Tax is good etc. Then one day he met Jesus and completely turned his life around. I know a lot of people who have a particularly tragic night out on Saturday and then show up at church on Sunday as new people. And much like my thoughts of Levi, I do not trust these people.

6) Judas Thaddeus, also known as Jude

I went to church every week for 18 years and had 11 years of Catholic schooling and this is the first I’m hearing of a second apostle named Judas. However, he’s the patron saint of lost causes and is therefore a #relatable #millennial #leader

5) John, brother of James [the Great]

He might be the “brother of James”, but John made himself known. He wrote five chapters of the Bible and Bible print is tiny so that’s like 40,000 words. Probably handwritten with dirt or something as well. Whatever the case, John had receipts. But also, imagine if the first time you were introduced to someone, they said you were “James’s brother” and then never stopped referring to you as James’s brother even though they knew your name was John. Still waiting for someone to publish John’s burn book that he definitely wrote.

4) Philip

When Jesus held his sermon on the mount and didn’t organise catering for his 5,000 fans, it was Philip who asked him how he was going to fix the problem. This sort of pragmatism and interest in food is what ranks Philip so high. Otherwise he was incredibly underwhelming, so much so that he is now the patron saint of hatters.

3) James the Great

“James the Great”. What a name. If there are two people with the same name in a friend group they shall hereby be known as “the Great” and “the Less”, like the two Jameses were. James the Great was one of only three apostles to see Jesus’s Transfiguration, which was Jesus lighting up like a beacon and speaking to Moses and Elijah before being spoken to by God. Much like when you’re little and your parents drive a five seater, Jesus could only invite his three best friends to his Transfiguration party and James was one of them. Jesus referred to James and his brother John as “sons of Thunder” because of how angry they could get. At one point, they tried to call down heavenly fire on a town but Jesus told them no. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen my brother drunkenly try to call down heavenly fire on a bouncer who didn’t let him into a club so James sounds great.

2) Thomas

Thomas is known as Doubting Thomas because he was the only apostle who didn’t believe Jesus had risen from the dead. He only believed after he’d literally poked his finger through the holes in Jesus’s hand, which is gross. Though his doubting was frowned upon at the time, it’s admirable. He’s the only apostle who, if they were alive today, would not have bought any Kony 2012 merch.

1) Judas Iscariot

I bet you thought Judas would be last, didn’t you. Judas is the Severus Snape of the Bible. You can’t help but hate him while reading and then you finish the last book and go oh, he had to be a dick or else everything would’ve fallen apart. Now we’re all free of sin thanks to Judas and also thanks to Hogwarts potions professor, Severus Snape.

Beside’s King Herod, Judas has the best songs in Jesus Christ Superstar because Judas is the closest character to a regular person so is allowed to be interesting. Perhaps the reason so many people claim to hate Judas is because deep down we all know we’d betray our friends with a kiss if a stranger paid us five weeks’ salary. We read books to escape our reality, not to look into a grim mirror. I await the day when calling someone a “Judas” means calling them a three dimensional person with flaws and temptations, who’s just trying their best #justiceforjudas.

Keep going!
Royal gala apples(Image: Shanti Mathias)
Royal gala apples(Image: Shanti Mathias)

KaiMarch 28, 2024

What’s behind the explosion of apple varieties at the supermarket?

Royal gala apples(Image: Shanti Mathias)
Royal gala apples(Image: Shanti Mathias)

Apples are available year-round, but the wide variety on offer involves intensive scientific research – and large-scale commercialisation. 

What’s beautiful, red, sweet and crunchy? Tony Martin’s favourite kind of apple: Sassy. The CEO of apple and pear breeding organisation Prevar, Martin’s fondness for Sassy represents professional success as well as personal preference. 

Sassy comes complete with a snazzy website (sample marketing copy: “a pleasant balance of sweet zing and a mild after-taste”) and trademarked name. But given the fruit is not widely available to the public yet, it’s slightly unfair of Martin to wax lyrical to a journalist who didn’t have enough breakfast.

New Zealand is a world leader in apples: about 80% of our crop is exported. Mainly grown in Hawkes Bay and Nelson, the industry is incredibly valuable. Last season, the apple exports from the port of Napier were valued at $61 million, which is about two thirds of the total crop. Karen Morrish, the CEO of Apples and Pears New Zealand, says that this year’s crop is estimated to be about 21 million cartons, 18kg each. 

Nestled tightly and safely into boxes, then loaded into ships that keep them cool, this bounty of apples mainly goes to Asia, where apples from Aotearoa can command a premium. The shift to exporting is one of the reasons varieties have changed, because Asian customers prefer sweeter, redder fruit, rather than tarter and greener traditional apples. 

“Red and Golden Delicious, those are still grown, but much less,” says Ryan McMullen, Woolworths New Zealand’s head of produce. Out of the hundreds and hundreds of apple varieties out there, he’s one of the people who decides which ones make it into the apple shelves at your local supermarket – which look quite different to a couple of decades ago. “When I was younger, my favourite apple was a Splendour, but you’d struggle to find that now,” McMullen says. These days, he likes sweeter varieties, like Sweetango and Pacific Rose. 

In both Woolworths and Foodstuffs supermarkets, one apple variety reigns supreme: the appropriately named Royal Gala, red with yellow streaks. McMullen says the variety is also responsible for Jazz apples, which are a cross between Royal Gala and Braeburn; mottled and easily fitting in a palm. Initially bred in 1984, it took nearly two decades until Jazz apples became widely available in the early 2000s – a pretty standard timeline. Developed in New Zealand, Jazz apples are now grown around the world. 

“You need to cross a few apple varieties, wait a year to see how it performs, if it isn’t right you cross it again,” Martin explains. The process is iterative; and once the variety, called a cultivar, is producing consistent results, it has to be scaled up by growers grafting it onto their rootstock. This means Prevar is trying to develop varieties that people will buy, but the varieties also need to appeal to growers, because adding a new variety to a pip fruit orchard is a significant financial commitment. Is there a desire for an early or late season apple, so all the fruit aren’t ripe at the same time? Is there a need for more productive trees?

lts of apples that are red and yellow on shelves in a supermarket
A pile of Sweetango apples in a Countdown supermarket (Image: Shanti Mathias)

Creating a new apple variety “definitely involves people in white lab coats,” Martin says. But the research process is also organic, because even the highest tech apple is still a plant which needs sunshine and earth and water to grow. The research block has hundreds of different trees at different stages and sizes: wee seedlings protected in glass houses, young trees being trained to grow flat like grapevines, older trees adorned with baubles of ripe round fruit. “There are all shapes and colours and flavours, like walking into Willy Wonka’s factory if it was full of apples,” he says. 

This image is entirely delightful, but there’s a flip side to this explosion in the commercial possibility of apple varieties. When I ask Martin about this, it’s difficult to remember that he’s talking about apples at all. “We protect our intellectual property, so if anyone wants to grow [a variety] they have to do so through a licensed supplier,” he says. “You protect the variety to capture value – if you give it away there isn’t value to be captured.” There’s also brands to protect – that’s why apple varieties have their own websites and their names are trademarked. “Sassy, Dazzle, Rockit, there is value in the brand.” 

Apples don’t grow true to seed, which advantages breeding organisations like Prevar (a joint venture between New Zealand Apples and Pears and Plant and Food Research). If you just had the most delicious apple you’ve ever eaten and then chucked it into the ground and nurtured it, you wouldn’t have any guarantee that the fruit it started producing a few years later would taste anything at all like the original. “You can’t just copy the fruit from a core,” Martin says; breeding restrictions are essential Turnitin for the fruit, and there was an outcry in 2000 when growers in Chile were found to be producing unlicensed Pacific Rose and Southern Snap apples. 

Older heritage apples can also be lost, or at least become difficult to find for sale. Morrish, the Apples and Pears boss, has memories of sinking her teeth into juicy Cox’s Orange apples fresh off the tree during her childhood in the UK. “You’d struggle to find those now,“ she says without regret. “Apple varieties now are more scientifically developed, it’s been fantastic for innovation.” 

Royal Gala apples grown in a Plant & Food Research greenhouse. Left, Fruit with an additional apple gene to make it red throughout. (Photo: Plant and Food Research)

Even Braeburn apples, which are nearly as popular as Royal Gala in the South Island, are becoming less frequently stocked in supermarkets. “We want to bring in a new variety every year or so,” McMullen says. His team are currently looking into the Cosmic Crisp apple, which might be in supermarkets soon. “But that means that some of those older favourites, dropping off, Cox’s Orange, Braeburns etc. But if customers want them and buy them then we’ll keep stocking them, and growers will keep growing them.” 

These traditional varieties hold up less well to cool storage, a reality of modern apple consumption. When you’re used to apples piled as hundreds of shiny orbs in the supermarket, it’s easy to forget that they’re seasonal fruit. Right now, early autumn, is peak apple season: the trees have been sucking up sunlight and water all summer and turning them into clusters of sugar. To stop apples getting soft, they’re put into what are essentially giant fridges. “It presses pause on them maturing,” Morrish explains. “It’s possible to pick an apple in April and sell it in November. The apple shortage reported at the end of this summer was because of a small gap in the supply of cool storage, just before the new season’s apples came in." 

“Red and Golden Delicious are good-looking apples but they go soft – they’re delicious off the tree but they don’t keep long," Martin says. "Apples these days spend more time getting from A to B, so we need varieties that can be looked after and stored and still eaten 12 months later, so you can eat apples all year around."

I ask him if he has any expectations for the future of the apple industry, and the presumably delicious varieties that haven’t come to market yet. But apples aren’t the only fruit Prevar is developing, and the explosion in science and diversity seen in apples might soon be coming to the next most popular pip fruit. “Pears are pretty exciting,” Martin muses. “There are lots of opportunities for innovation – to help people fall back in love with pears.”