It’s a shocking week in paradise, as our favourite celebrities continue to battle it out to raise money for charity. Tara Ward power ranks.
Get in here you lot, because week three of Celebrity Treasure Island was an absolute pearler. The tides of change washed ashore and three teams merged into two, and after nine days of getting sand in all sorts of cracks, tempers began to fray. New alliances formed and old ones weakened, a gender divide opened up, and teams bonded by playing “broccoli broccoli, cabbage cabbage” because that’s how celebs roll these days.
We also waved goodbye to one of the biggest threats in the competition. Art Green was having a lovely time until he was eliminated, but you know who’s enjoying CTI the most? Matt bloody Chisholm. The Chizz is loving life on CTI, watching this bunch of clowns crawl around with their heads banging into other people’s butts, all in the name of charity.
He’s loving it! Can’t get enough!
You know what else we can’t get enough of as a nation? These celebrities and their beachy hijinks. Let’s rip into the power rankings for week three.
Despite the power of these tiny pigtails, Tammy was beaten in the elimination challenge by Candy and sent home. What outrageous fortune, indeed.
Absolutely shocked, stunned and completely amazed to write Art Green’s name in the sands of CTI time. It seemed he would glide his way to the bitter end, given he was physically strong, he understood the game, and he got along with everyone. Is Art Green human or a robot? Maybe that was going to be the big reveal in the finale, but now we’ll never know.
That’s because we hadn’t factored in Richie’s bold move (or brain fart) of putting two strong players up in the elimination challenge, especially when one of those players was Puzzle Queen Brynley Stent. Could you say Art was… framed? It was over too soon and Art Green was gone, beaten in a tense game of rolly-polly-bally-ropy and banished from the CTI kingdom.
Now there’ll be no more Art Green shirtless walking, no more Art Green shirtless talking, no more Art Green shirtless power breathing. You did not receive a rose, Art Green, but you were definitely here for the right reasons.
Tegan broke her toe and had to head back home this week. She was “devo”, we were devo, her toe was devo. Who do we blame for this tragedy? Poo cave, I’m looking at you.
14) Buck Shelford
What to say about this silent man mountain? He barely speaks and rarely smiles, and don’t even think about asking him for advice. Is he having a good time here? I’m too scared to ask.
13) Joe Daymond
This is what happens when you wear the same pair of undies for seven days, which is six days longer than legally permitted. It’s a crime against both clothes and bums, so no go, Joe.
12) Lana Searle
Lana was the only original Katipō member to make it into the new Katipō team, and proceeded to play it cool by telling her new teammates everything written on Brynley’s clue. She’s an open book in an open game, but will this bewildering tactic of “complete honesty” get her all the way to the final? Sure, why not.
11) Anna Simcic
Bloody love Anna Simcic’s commitment to CTI, even when she’s chucking a goblet on her forehead and strolling down a beach in the midday sun. A true gold medal performance. This is what we need from our Olympic athletes in this day and age, and all of New Zealand salutes her.
10) JJ Fong
Although she missed her original teammates, JJ Fong proved she has a killer arm, knocking down blocks in a Face Off Challenge to take her team to within a whisker of winning. Whiskers are of no use to anyone on CTI, but knocking down blocks is kind of handy. Bravo, JJ.
9) Kim Crossman
This week Kim Crossman smashed an egg hard on her head, just because she could. This is exactly the kind of uplifting content we need out of CTI, making Kim a true hero for eggs and heads everywhere.
8) Lance Savali
Just when he was enjoying not being captain, Lance was made captain. LOL! It’s tough at the top, and after losing the captain’s challenge to Richie, Lance decided to nominate Candy for the elimination challenge, even though most of his team voted for Edna. LOL! The captain laughs just keep on coming.
7) Edna Swart
“This campsite is shit,” Edna said on arrival at the new Repo camp and, even though she’s annoying her new teammates, Edna doesn’t care. She managed to lip read “jumping on a trampoline and Joey has a bad arse” during the charity challenge, so what else does she need? Absolutely nothing. What else does Joey need, other than a new trampoline? Also nothing.
6) Chris Parker
“I’m just trying to win the challenges and eat my eggs,” Chris Parker said of his CTI experience. Put it on a poster and wallpaper the beach with it, because isn’t that what we’re all trying to do in this madcap world? Isn’t life just one big dirty pan of scrambled eggs and senseless challenges that wear you out until you can go back to your hōpuni to change your hat?
No? Fine, just me and Chris Parker then.
5) Candy Lane
Sweet Candy Lane smashed the elimination challenge this week, proving to everyone that she should not be underestimated or dismissed any longer. In fact, Tammy admiringly called her “an absolute beast”. Indeed, she is a challenge machine disguised in a Godmother singlet. Pity the fool who ignores The Candy. Free The Candy! Love The Candy! Be The Candy!
4) Jess Tyson
Jess is proving to be challenge powerhouse, but the real reason she ranks so highly this week is thanks to this incredible, practical, inspirational ensemble:
It’s power dressing on the power rankings, and socks and jandals is strategy at its finest. Socks and jandals say “I am ready for anything”, but also, “Do not feel threatened by me, I wear socks and jandals”. Has Jess been eliminated yet? Of course not, the socks and jandals keep her safe. They are her secret weapon. Never forget.
3) Brynley Stent
She’s a puzzle queen, she’s a battle queen, and now she’s the noodle queen. Brynley pulled some rope and moved some balls and BOOMFAH! She eliminated old mate Art Green from the competition. Not bad, considering she started the week with her face so far up Buck’s arse she claimed to see another dimension, and then wanted to spend her prize pirate coins on some two minute noodles. What a legend.
2) Angela Bloomfield
Ange had a hell of a week, with too many men, too many egos and not enough balls in the hole. Women didn’t win the vote to put up with this shit, but as they say in Hollywood, she who wears the battle braids shall have the last laugh. In Ange’s world CTI will be an all female finale, while in my world, they will all be wearing socks with jandals. This is what feminism looks like in 2021, just an evil genius playing “cabbage cabbage, broccoli broccoli” until the queen takes her rightful place on the throne.
1) Richie Barnett
Controversy, thy name is Richie Barnett. Richie spent most of the week enjoying a muscly bromance with new BFF Art, until he made the last minute decision to put Art up in the elimination challenge. An innocent move that went horribly wrong, or an incredible power play to get rid of his biggest competition? Or both? Or none? Is Joey’s arse really OK? You decide.
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