Alex Casey delivers her second batch of power rankings after the first dramatic week of The Bachelorette NZ. Click here for the first instalment.
The room is spinning, the floor is lava, my nose is running worse than Brendon’s post red-carpet because I have been crying and laughing hysterically since I found out the good news. Nothing will ever be the same as long as I live. I am Mr Krabs in a tumble dryer. I am a book sliced clean in half. I am red mist. I am shrieking in a pitch so high that only Barry the pug can hear me. TWO BACHELORETTES???? TWO WHOLE HUMAN BACHELORETTES?!?!?!
The cocktail party tonight began with a bombshell. “I’m pregnant” Lesina told the gobsmacked men, collapsing into a perfect pile of perfect giggles. She’s kidding, of course. Her double-Bachelorette news is much more miraculous than the creation of human life. “She’s got a secret” the voiceover teased, “and it starts… with an ‘L’”. Hmm, who the hell else on this whole bloody Earth starts with an L? Probably no one, come to think of it. Not a single soul, actually.
The introduction of a second Bachelorette, whose mysterious, mysterious, mysterious identity will be revealed next week, was the cherry on top of what has been a truly genre-bending, crossover-loving and convention-fucking start to the series. Whose reality show is it anyway? Sometimes it is House of Drag, sometimes it is Celebrity Treasure Island, sometimes it is pure Jackass – if Jackass was just bored men with ripped jeans and an air horn.
Oh, and don’t even TALK TO ME about how Lesina stays in the cursed MAFSNZ apartments. They best have saged each and every floor of that place before letting The Good Doctor inside.
Must be some bad energy left in those walls, because Art appeared to become possessed by a Bad Vibe and drop this clanger on national television.
I pray for ye Art, just as I pray for the brave Bachelors who have slipped down the mighty rankings this week.
Hmmm hard to diagnose where Brendon went wrong. Maybe it was when he inquired about Lesina’s sister as a “back-up plan”. Maybe it was when he lashed out in private and said that “if she can’t take a little joke then she’s a not a strong person”. Maybe it was the fact that his sleeve was still drenched in snot from the previous night. Fly high, Brendon.
Nobody in human history has thrown themselves into a job with as much rigour and enthusiasm as The Mole. He’s keeping an eye on “lovesick” Conor (I thought there was a vaccination for that), he’s schooling Flynny on how to be a Real Man and he’s been reclining on MoleCam like David Brent’s long lost brother. Mole is life. Life is Mole.
10PM APOLOGY: Kurt and Marcus
It has come to my attention that I left both Kurt and Marcus off these initial rankings because I am unable to do basic arithmetic. Sorry to these men, but also step it up next week would ya?
OK TVNZ, I’m going to need a six-part true crime miniseries about the bizarro beefcake that is Glenn. First of all, he decided to write Lesina a heartfelt letter about being there for the right reasons instead of, you know, talking to her. Second of all, he told the lads that they would need HIS permission if they wanted to kiss her, completely ignoring the fact that he doesn’t have permission from the New Zealand Police to sit there and eat his KFC with an actual spoon.
He did a terrible rap in the talent contest about making Lesina’s bed rattle and shake, ending with a wank joke and throwing some hand lotion at poor Logan. As if that wasn’t enough of a living nightmare, he then decided to wander into the nearby bushes to pick a lemon before biting straight into it. There’s a special place in reality TV hell for people who bite straight into lemons on camera, and it’s time for Glenn to take his place next to Daniel from My Restaurant Rules NZ.
Permission to approach the bench re: Conor’s lobster Jordan Peterson bowtie? No? OK, how about how he described himself as needing to go “full magpie” before sitting glassy-eyed in the corner of the cocktail party and refusing to say a single word to anybody. Probably just too distracted by Lesina’s glittering Pascoes jewels to form a proper sentence.
It’s weird that Steve is this low in the rankings, but it is what it is. He got the first rose (and an invaluable pat on the back from the mole) this week, but we still haven’t seen nearly enough of the guy. Not a good sign for our quiet karaoke-loving Virgo. And that’s coming from me, a quiet karaoke-loving Virgo.
Much like Steve, there’s not a hell of a lot of evidence that Jesse and Lesina have spoken a single word to each other, but who really needs talking when your clothes are so loud?
Terence achieved basically nothing this week apart from pulling off a bowler hat, bowtie and suspenders – not an easy thing to do in 2020.
10) Mr Wedge
Silent wedge, holy wedge, where is wedge, I want wedge.
Phenomenal pivot from Liam this week, from cocky Aussie surfer to big emo sulk baby. Get that man some salty sea air stat before he buys a My Chem ticket and dyes his fringe.
Drag Flynny is the only Flynny I recognise
This made me laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.
George came away the unlikely victor of the Tough Mudder challenge, which gave him the prestigious opportunity to sit in a car boot with Lesina. What do we know about George? We know that he rocks a crucifix, we know that he has had a few short-lived uni flings and we know that he is bisexual – extremely rare in stuffy old Bachelor-dom. He also works at Walker & Hall, which could test his loyalties on a show sponsored by Pascoes. Assume he also possesses many rare gems, and that magpie Conor will stop at nothing to own them.
5) Magic Marc
Hell of a week for Magic Marc, who was off to a ripper with this extremely cursed indoor hat and dry toothbrush combo.
But that wasn’t even the defining MMM (Magic Marc Moment) this week. During Marc’s talking head interview recapping Glenn’s terrible ‘permission’ joke, Glenn himself WALKED INTO the INTERVIEW and they had the most Kiwi bloke confrontation ever committed to tape. Sorry you felt that way. Mumbling. All good. Yeah nah. We’ll see. Zero eye contact. Mumble. All good. It was only after Glenn left the room that Marc let down his walls, showing the gleeful goblin beneath.
Sweet gentle Logan won the talent contest with his Pak n’ Save stick figure love story which, to be totally honest, nobody could see, nobody could hear and nobody could understand. Why did he have a guitar on his back if he never actually played it? How did he manage to cut his finger on his own story? At least we finally got a translation of his French inscription – “the story begins with a rose”. Cute!
One of the smoothest lines of the week from the engineer with the anti-gravity hair:
Spin my corpse on the Heartbreak Island golden dial of love I guess, because I did NOT see this coming. I underestimated Tavita in a big huge way because of his reality TV past, but even a gnarled old crone with a dusty heart like me can tell that these two have some kinda crazy chemistry. Look at this hand-holding filth!
On their single date, Lesina wasn’t afraid to ask Tavita some of the big questions, like why he acts differently with her than he does in a big group of lads. She was mindset-professionalising the shit out of the mindset professional, and I was here for it. Instead of getting defensive, Tavita genuinely seemed to take the criticism on board instead of calling her a “knob jockey” or frustratedly biting into a lemon. Didn’t seem fazed at all.
The date went so well that he left his undies on the boat, and if that isn’t a Cinderella story then I don’t know what is.
The first single date of the series had our humble food tech teacher frolicking through the treetops on a harness with Lesina. And MAN were those harnesses tight. “I’m not just a piece of meat you know” Aaron chortled as Lesina giggled nervously. It wasn’t long before the tables were turned again, though, and Aaron was left with the jitters. First he knocked the champagne over, then couldn’t stop his hands shaking as he cut a slice of cheese.
Cue the most movie magic line of the week.
I’m fainting. Wake me up next week.
The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.