A bald man in a suit stands in front of a notecard labeled "Quarterly Action Plan" with checkboxes for "BIG ROCKS" and "restore mojo," the latter underlined in red. The background is blue and textured.
Christopher Luxon has lost his greatest passion. (Image: Tina Tiller)

Politicsabout 7 hours ago

A quarterly action plan for restoring Christopher Luxon’s quarterly action plans

Senior writer
A bald man in a suit stands in front of a notecard labeled "Quarterly Action Plan" with checkboxes for "BIG ROCKS" and "restore mojo," the latter underlined in red. The background is blue and textured.
Christopher Luxon has lost his greatest passion. (Image: Tina Tiller)

The prime minister has lost his passion for plans. He needs a plan to restore his plan passion.

Politics has a way of killing people’s spirits. Chris Hipkins used to wander the streets of Napier in petrol station sunnies and a raggedy Abercrombie and Fitch hoodie. Now when someone asks how he’s doing, he says “my four priorities are jobs, health, homes and the cost of living”. David Seymour once wanted councils to stay out of urban planning. He’s spent the last few months campaigning for the council to administer the death penalty to apartments in Parnell. Chlöe Swarbrick, 22, is now Chlöe Swarbrick, nearly 32. Only Winston Peters has remained unchanged for decades, absorbing his peers’ lifeforce like a reverse picture of Dorian Gray.

A man wearing sunglasses, a baseball cap, and a dark hoodie stands on a city street. In the background, there is a building with signs reading "Irish Pub" and "The Rose.
Remember what they took from you.

Prime minister Christopher Luxon has long tried to resist parliament’s personality-killing pressures and stay true to the business executive at the centre of his organisational chart. He’s persisted with corporate jargon over the increasingly desperate screams of his media advisers, routinely telling interviewers he’s focused on operationalising our core competencies. But on Wednesday, the Herald revealed that politics had finally got the best of National’s leader, reporting that the government has quietly killed its quarterly action plans for the public service. 

The move would have been a devastating blow to Luxon. As the former chief executive of the airline Air New Zealand, there’s nothing he loves more than quarterly plans, strategic growth summaries or indeed KPIs. Killing off quarterly plans is tantamount to killing Luxon himself. If he’s ever to recover the pieces of his broken mojo, he’ll need to execute a quarterly action plan.

Goal one: Live your mojo

Start with the big rocks. Due primarily to a relentless bullying campaign from The Spinoff’s Toby Manhire, Luxon has stopped saying mojo. It’s hard to recover your mojo when you’re afraid of even using the word. Luxon needs to stop saying nojo to mojo if he’s to growjo out of this lowjo.

Support required: Regular self-affirmations. Mojo nojo nomo.

Goal two: Massage the numbers

Whenever the PM looks like regaining confidence, a breaking news banner appears saying “no one likes you”. The media has taken no small joy in reporting Luxon’s flatlining preferred prime minister numbers and plunging approval rating. It’s hard to supercharge growth while constantly battling against the headwinds of your nation’s negative mindset. Sunsetting polling, approval ratings or indeed measurable outcomes is the first action item in getting back on track. 

Support required: Military action against The Post/Freshwater Strategy.

Goal three: Squash the competition

If it’s not the polls betraying you, it’s your so-called “top ministers and government coalition partners”. Luxon has been undermined by New Zealand First leader Winston Peters, who has accused him of sabotaging the economy by introducing tax cuts with the support of New Zealand First. Act keeps undercutting the story the government is telling to customers by boasting about saving billions on pay equity or reining in the “woke Waitangi Tribunal”. Worst of all, according to Stuff’s Andrea Vance, housing minister Chris Bishop has been plotting a strategic acquisition of the prime ministership. When faced with this organisational misalignment, the most game-changing manoeuvre is to engage in a full c-suite restructure.

Support required: Sign-off from Erica Stanford.

Goal four: Know your customers

As the saying goes, “he waka eke noa”, and now the waka has been purged, it should be smooth sailing ahead. But even the best company needs to move in lockstep with the market. The time for talking is after the client speaks and Luxon has already engaged in some active listening, taking on board the concerns of a diverse array of villa owners on housing density. A day off-site talking to everyday New Zealanders in the Koru Lounge should further attune him to demand trends, preferably followed by a short cruise spent workshopping with Chuck and Mary.

Support required: A small favour from some former colleagues in the aviation industry.

A man in a suit sits at a radio studio desk with a microphone, speaking to someone off-camera. The headline below discusses a Prime Minister addressing tourist safety and begging in New Zealand.
We’re all working for Chuck and Mary.

Goal five: Go to market

Now the big rocks are rolling, displacing small rocks as they hurtle down the hill and crash headlong through the negative, wet, whiny, inward-looking barriers to supercharged growth. A new All Blacks coach can’t be far away. The art deco community can’t stay angry for long. It’s time for the prime minister to take his original mission statement to market. With restored quarterly plans and mojo, there’s no doubt he’ll ace his performance appraisal on November 7.

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