Get in here you lot, and welcome to week one of the Celebrity Treasure Island power rankings for 2022.
After a long, bleak winter, the return of Celebrity Treasure Island feels like sunshine on a cloudy day. Twenty-one New Zealand celebrities are about to battle it out on a Northland beach to win money for their chosen charities, and while CTI is often an emotional game, this season saw tears fall from the very start. Monday night’s episode began with an emotional tribute to former All Black Va’aiga Tuigamala, who was scheduled to appear on the show but tragically died before filming began.
These famous people represent approximately 85% of New Zealand’s total celebrity resource, and it was tricky to get to know all 21 contestants in a mere three episodes. Some celebs lurked in the background, while others swung from the inflatable coat hanger of CTI dreams, desperate to play the game.
We had an intruder, a possum, a spaghetti thief and a shocking elimination; Bree Tomasel revealed Matt Chisholm has a “downstairs mullet”, and Dame Susan Devoy said the word “vag” on national television. Thank goodness you’re back, Celebrity Treasure Island. These celebrities might be hunting for gold, but I think the real treasure here is you.
The tide’s turning, so let’s get stuck into week one’s power rankings.
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Eliminated: Guy Montgomery
Look, a quick game’s a good game, but this is going too far. Guy Montgomery came with hopes and dreams, but left with the sound of a thousand corn kernels spilling into his nightmares. Dame Susan Devoy put Guy into the corn-shovelling elimination challenge, but it was a slippery slope to kernel chaos. Matt Chisholm farewelled Guy by saying he was “one of the funniest Guy’s he’s ever met”, but now we’ll never find out how many Guys The Chiz actually knows. Gone too soon, Guy Montgomery.
The rest:
20. Ron Cribb
Former All Black. Intruder. Not yet officially in the game.
19. Mike King
Also not officially in the game, but already talking up a storm. “When I walk into whatever camp I walk into, they are going to be in fear of me,” Mike promised. The trees shook with terror, or maybe it was just the wind. Ominous.
18. Cam Mansel
The radio host played a terrible potato game in the celebrity challenge, and once you offend the potato, it’s over. Sorry, we don’t make the rules.
17. Shimpal Lelisi
A quiet beginning, but it’s only week one. Some of these celebrities are playing a long game.
16. Perlina Lau
A quiet week for Perlina too, but I suspect she’s likely to make a killer move when we least expect it, probably during another tense game of “throw the potato in the hole”.
15. Jesse Tuke
Seems to be having a lovely time.
14. Dylan Schmidt
Spent the week doing the splits, but sadly, this legs akimbo approach can only take a celebrity so far.
13. Siobhan Marshall
An absolute delight. Also appears to be having a lovely time. This can’t go on.
12. Karen O’Leary
“At the end of the day, it’s night time,” Officer O’Leary declared after her first CTI challenge, and a truer word has never been spoken.
11. Eds Eramiha
The controversial chip-abstainer has a great attitude, despite claiming to have never watched an episode of CTI. “They ain’t losses, they’re lessons,” was the lesson he took from his first loss, which is the sort of big sky thinking that gets you all the way to the final.
10. Courtenay Louise
Major threat alert. A huge CTI fan, Courtney knew Mangō needed to win the first challenge to choose team captains. They did not win the challenge. I’m ropable on her behalf.
9. Elvis Lopeti
Potatoes are tricky little fuckers, but Elvis chucked his spud in the hole and won $5,000 for his charity. He also taught his team a TikTok dance that involved moving their arms “like you’re punching someone’s head in”. LOL! Dancing is fun.
8. Dr Joel Rindelaub
Anyone who asks a potato if they are “too good for their hole” deserves a top five finish, so it’s a shame Joel lands at number eight. Joel is distracting the competition with rap hijinks and spud antics, but behind that wacky mullet lies a strategic mind. Maybe the treasure is under there too. Only the follicles know the truth.
7. Iyia Liu
Slayed the competition during the captain’s challenge with her superior drinking talent. “I have had a lot of water consumption,” Iyia boasted, which is exactly what Sir Edmund Hillary was rumoured to have said on top of Everest.
6. Alex King
Captain of Team Kuaka. Formed an alliance with Eds, and spewed in the flaxes after eating rice and beans. One to watch.
5. Cassie Roma
Cassie Roma is the Lord David Attenborough of CTI, a quiet figure who watches from afar and an astute observer of the human condition. She could probably befriend Team Kauri’s feral possum if she wanted to. She also shoots hoops like an absolute beast. Love to see it.
4. Lynette Forday
Lynette Forday hates camping, loathes rice and beans, and makes farty noises when she blows up her inflatable coat hanger. Lynette doesn’t belong on CTI, and yet, somehow she is CTI. When Susan Devoy turned up to Camp Kauri and claimed both the captaincy and the spaghetti, Lynette was fuming. “SUSAN JUST ATE ALL OUR SPAGHETTI!” she yelled, no doubt wishing the governor general could pull some spaghetti strings and send The Dame down in flames. Sadly, the Queen’s representatives also think rice and beans can suck it. The spaghetti must be protected at all costs, and so should Lynette Forday.
3. Melodie Robinson
The ex-Black Fern captain appears to have some shady history with Susan Devoy, doesn’t get on with Spaghetti Queen Lynette, and she isn’t afraid of a bit of “argy-bargy”. Run for your lives.
2. Te Kohe Tuhaka
TK is like the CTI possum, fierce and unpredictable and determined to show everyone who’s in charge. Should TK have spoken over his team captain Iyia? No. Should he have sent Susan Devoy to Team Kauri? You betcha. That was the best CTI move since Dr Joel rhymed “kākāriki” with “make it look easy”. Team Dad is in this to win.
1. Dame Susan Devoy
After only two days in the game, Susan Devoy is already a CTI legend. There’s no bullshit with Dame Suzy D, no biting of the tongue, and the truths she spoke turned the game on its head. Yes, Melodie keeps telling Susan what to do. Yes, Lynette was cheating in the challenge. Yes, Blind Jim the Possum has a vagina. The Dame has come to play, and if “Jim’s got a big vag” doesn’t end up as quote of the year, both me and Vaggy Jim will riot.
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Celebrity Treasure Island screens Monday-Wednesday nights at 7.30pm on TVNZ 2 and streams on TVNZ+.